Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you both make around the same and he doesn't want you to be a SAHM, I'm confused why you would ask him if he would stay home. He wants two incomes. If you can afford not to work but just maybe not the same lifestyle and savings accumulation and he isn't willing to budge that is hard to get past. How old are the kids? Perhaps you can take a several month- year leave of absence? Or is working from home an option? There is a ton of benefit to kids having a parent home with them in those early years and I would make that case as strong as I could. If he still didn't agree and you still feel strongly about it, don't work. If you can afford not to be can't force you to. There will be resentment if you work or don't work from one of you. Him resenting you for staying home and nurturing your kids is pretty low- but at least your kids benefit

Really? So when he views her quitting work unilaterally as a betrayal and initiates divorce proceedings, she won't be forced to go back to work?

Depends how much alimony and child support he would be paying she may not have to go anytime soon. He would be an idiot to divorce and would lose way more money than if he would come to terms for her being a SAHM at least temporarily

Or, he could quit working too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you both make around the same and he doesn't want you to be a SAHM, I'm confused why you would ask him if he would stay home. He wants two incomes. If you can afford not to work but just maybe not the same lifestyle and savings accumulation and he isn't willing to budge that is hard to get past. How old are the kids? Perhaps you can take a several month- year leave of absence? Or is working from home an option? There is a ton of benefit to kids having a parent home with them in those early years and I would make that case as strong as I could. If he still didn't agree and you still feel strongly about it, don't work. If you can afford not to be can't force you to. There will be resentment if you work or don't work from one of you. Him resenting you for staying home and nurturing your kids is pretty low- but at least your kids benefit

Really? So when he views her quitting work unilaterally as a betrayal and initiates divorce proceedings, she won't be forced to go back to work?

Depends how much alimony and child support he would be paying she may not have to go anytime soon. He would be an idiot to divorce and would lose way more money than if he would come to terms for her being a SAHM at least temporarily

You can't get those years back, I would and did stay home. She can always go back to work, he can just stuff it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you both make around the same and he doesn't want you to be a SAHM, I'm confused why you would ask him if he would stay home. He wants two incomes. If you can afford not to work but just maybe not the same lifestyle and savings accumulation and he isn't willing to budge that is hard to get past. How old are the kids? Perhaps you can take a several month- year leave of absence? Or is working from home an option? There is a ton of benefit to kids having a parent home with them in those early years and I would make that case as strong as I could. If he still didn't agree and you still feel strongly about it, don't work. If you can afford not to be can't force you to. There will be resentment if you work or don't work from one of you. Him resenting you for staying home and nurturing your kids is pretty low- but at least your kids benefit

Really? So when he views her quitting work unilaterally as a betrayal and initiates divorce proceedings, she won't be forced to go back to work?

Depends how much alimony and child support he would be paying she may not have to go anytime soon. He would be an idiot to divorce and would lose way more money than if he would come to terms for her being a SAHM at least temporarily

You can't get those years back, I would and did stay home. She can always go back to work, he can just stuff it.

And when he decides not to just hand over his paycheck, how happy do you think she will be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you both make around the same and he doesn't want you to be a SAHM, I'm confused why you would ask him if he would stay home. He wants two incomes. If you can afford not to work but just maybe not the same lifestyle and savings accumulation and he isn't willing to budge that is hard to get past. How old are the kids? Perhaps you can take a several month- year leave of absence? Or is working from home an option? There is a ton of benefit to kids having a parent home with them in those early years and I would make that case as strong as I could. If he still didn't agree and you still feel strongly about it, don't work. If you can afford not to be can't force you to. There will be resentment if you work or don't work from one of you. Him resenting you for staying home and nurturing your kids is pretty low- but at least your kids benefit

Really? So when he views her quitting work unilaterally as a betrayal and initiates divorce proceedings, she won't be forced to go back to work?

Depends how much alimony and child support he would be paying she may not have to go anytime soon. He would be an idiot to divorce and would lose way more money than if he would come to terms for her being a SAHM at least temporarily

You can't get those years back, I would and did stay home. She can always go back to work, he can just stuff it.

And when he decides not to just hand over his paycheck, how happy do you think she will be?

He chose to get married and have children. At this point he has no choice but to hand over his paycheck either willingly or by court order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you both make around the same and he doesn't want you to be a SAHM, I'm confused why you would ask him if he would stay home. He wants two incomes. If you can afford not to work but just maybe not the same lifestyle and savings accumulation and he isn't willing to budge that is hard to get past. How old are the kids? Perhaps you can take a several month- year leave of absence? Or is working from home an option? There is a ton of benefit to kids having a parent home with them in those early years and I would make that case as strong as I could. If he still didn't agree and you still feel strongly about it, don't work. If you can afford not to be can't force you to. There will be resentment if you work or don't work from one of you. Him resenting you for staying home and nurturing your kids is pretty low- but at least your kids benefit

Really? So when he views her quitting work unilaterally as a betrayal and initiates divorce proceedings, she won't be forced to go back to work?

Depends how much alimony and child support he would be paying she may not have to go anytime soon. He would be an idiot to divorce and would lose way more money than if he would come to terms for her being a SAHM at least temporarily

You can't get those years back, I would and did stay home. She can always go back to work, he can just stuff it.

And when he decides not to just hand over his paycheck, how happy do you think she will be?

He chose to get married and have children. At this point he has no choice but to hand over his paycheck either willingly or by court order

Not if they earn the same amount and have joint custody, you moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just seems like you are both digging in your heels on all or nothing - there are a million options or scenarios that would be between here and there - I would start with individual counseling for you - you need support and life has been really tough. I would also try to talk to your husband in a heart to heart problem solving mode of how to make things more manageable.

+1

[Anonymous]

If she quits and stays home there aren't making the same. And she may not have the same job available or same income if when she wants to go back. MORON. Any way you slice it divorcing her will be WAY more expensive than her staying home and staying married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she quits and stays home there aren't making the same. And she may not have the same job available or same income if when she wants to go back. MORON. Any way you slice it divorcing her will be WAY more expensive than her staying home and staying married

Depends on what state. Voluntary job quit is considered in some states and income can be calculated based on past earnings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she quits and stays home there aren't making the same. And she may not have the same job available or same income if when she wants to go back. MORON. Any way you slice it divorcing her will be WAY more expensive than her staying home and staying married

Depends on what state. Voluntary job quit is considered in some states and income can be calculated based on past earnings.

If that isn't considered, he still has the option to quit work too. Never underestimate the power of spite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since when is a million dollar home a dream home? That's cheap. I live in Toronto. My networth is 2.5 million and my home is worth 2.4 million.
Its not even extravagant.

Cool story.

[Anonymous]

OP should have saved more to finance her lifestyle of choice. Never depend on someone else for what you want.

[Anonymous]

Given the state of your marriage and you and your DH's inability to talk about priorities and compromise, no way would I quit my job unless you have the type of career where you could easily re-enter and make a similar amount.

You are digging your heels in about being a SAHM and he is digging his heels in about the house. Neither of those are going to solve your problems. You need to find a way to talk about what you need (not what you want) and how to make that happen. I think there is likely a way where you can get a bit of a break, focus on your health and your well-being and he can still have the security of a two-income family. Things like he needs to fully take over for a good bit of the kid or house stuff, you need to hire more help (outsource all of your housework and more of the childcare), you could see about cutting back a bit at work, taking a medical leave (talk to your doctor), etc.

Spend more time uncovering what is behind what you both want and jointly work on a plan to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she quits and stays home there aren't making the same. And she may not have the same job available or same income if when she wants to go back. MORON. Any way you slice it divorcing her will be WAY more expensive than her staying home and staying married

Yea, you’re still the moron. If she quits and he files for divorce there will be no alimony. She isn’t a long term SAHM with no skills. She’s a woman who just voluntarily quit her job. She can choose not to go back to work, but she won’t get alimony. And since they’ll impute income for child support, and they make the same, there’s no child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I understand it takes 2 people to support being a sahm. After awhile, how much more money is enough? It doesn't seem enough for my husband but it's enough for me. I would rather stay home and spend time with my young children as well as working on my mental health. Divorce is the last resort but a marriage of resentment and unhappiiness isn't a much of a better life.

How old are your twins now? How long have you been back at work? These are real issues you are struggling with but when I went back to work after having my twins (who had health issues and a LONG hospital stay), there were more days than not that I fantasized about divorce. And frankly, my husband was doing the same. Not before or after did we both feel so ready to toss the other out the window. It's a big hormone filled exhausting cluster those few months.

So, frankly, it sounds as if you are both being overly dramatic. He is being a baby insisting he needs this fancy new house now. He doesn't but he likely feels kids have changed all his life and lifestyle, he deserves his life and fancy things dammit, and he's too tired to be rational about why he can't build a house he doesn't need right now.

And, you are likely being a bit melodramatic about the health issues. Though, PPD is real and you should be seeing someone if you feel you might have it. You have money. You will be okay getting through this first year and then the second will be easier and then at 2.5 twins will be easier than two kids of different ages. You want to quit your job but like he can't build his fancy house, that's not reasonable for your family right now. (Though, seeing about 1 month of extra leave might be.)

But I would STOP arguing to him that you don't need your income while also arguing you can't afford his house. Those thoughts don't make sense put together. You are saying you two have enough money to do what you want but not what he wants.

First priority, tell him maybe in a year you build a house but now you are in survive twins mode. Make a list and divide. If you he wants you to work, fine. He pays the bills while you pump. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she quits and stays home there aren't making the same. And she may not have the same job available or same income if when she wants to go back. MORON. Any way you slice it divorcing her will be WAY more expensive than her staying home and staying married

Yea, you’re still the moron. If she quits and he files for divorce there will be no alimony. She isn’t a long term SAHM with no skills. She’s a woman who just voluntarily quit her job. She can choose not to go back to work, but she won’t get alimony. And since they’ll impute income for child support, and they make the same, there’s no child support.

Most SAHMs at one time had a job and left when they had children. That is usually how it works. And you are saying if she quits work and stays home, even without his "approval" he is going to file for divorce the day after she quits? Right got it.