Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one for counseling, not for DCUM.

If counseling is out, then find a lawyer. There is no in betwen if one isn’t hearing the other.

This. You're not on the same page with parenting decisions or lifestyle choices and need help getting there, and not from an online forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to go to counseling yourself and figure out what happens next. Right now prioritize your children and yourself. Whittle down what you need to do at home to your children and yourself. Hire out as much as possible- have someone come to clean every week. Don’t worry about the yard for a few months. Get groceries delivered for the food you and your children need. If you children are not eating solid food yet, consider buying premade meals for yourself. Who does drop off and who does pick up for children care? Only do your and your children’s laundry (or have the every week housekeeper do it). Are you breastfeeding? How old are your children now? Are they sleeping through the night yet?

How are the child responsibilities divided up between your and your spouse? What are your working hours out of the house and what are his? Do either of your travel? How flexible are your hours and how flexible are his? DO you qualify for FMLA? If so have you used it up?

Yeah, there's no way that will backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire two nannies - one for each kid.

agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM is a joint decision.

If both parties do not agree on it, then it would only create resentment from the other party. This can kill your marriage.

It's not a joint decision if her health is at risk. If she can get leave from work and can get approval from her employer she should take it. His financial goals do not trump her health or their family. What do you think couples do when one of them has cancer or gets laid off. They cope.

OP didn't indicate that she has ongoing health issues, only that she's stressed.

Also, cancer is not something that people decide to do, you nitwit. It's something to be endured and pushed through. One parent deciding to remove him or herself from the workforce is a decision.

And for the record, my wife stayed at home with our kids for 10 years, and just recently went back to work. But that's a decision we made - both for her to SAH initially, and then to re-enter the workforce. Neither of those decisions was unilateral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM is a joint decision.

If both parties do not agree on it, then it would only create resentment from the other party. This can kill your marriage.

It's not a joint decision if her health is at risk. If she can get leave from work and can get approval from her employer she should take it. His financial goals do not trump her health or their family. What do you think couples do when one of them has cancer or gets laid off. They cope.

She was just out for 3 months. FMLA will.not cover more than that. I don't know where she works, but my employer doesn't allow extended leave beyond FMLA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.

Sure. And he doesn't have to do do what she wants - support her while she stays at home.

Look, the default in this country is that adults work, in order to pay the bills. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. I agree with a PP that in a relationship, if one person wants to stop working, it needs two yes votes. Without consensus, the default - everyone works - continues.

I understand it takes 2 people to support being a sahm. After awhile, how much more money is enough? It doesn't seem enough for my husband but it's enough for me. I would rather stay home and spend time with my young children as well as working on my mental health. Divorce is the last resort but a marriage of resentment and unhappiiness isn't a much of a better life.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to do what your husband says; that is right. Worst case scenario: you divorce and use your $2 million to finance staying at home yourself till they’re in high school. You can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.

Sure. And he doesn't have to do do what she wants - support her while she stays at home.

Look, the default in this country is that adults work, in order to pay the bills. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. I agree with a PP that in a relationship, if one person wants to stop working, it needs two yes votes. Without consensus, the default - everyone works - continues.

I understand it takes 2 people to support being a sahm. After awhile, how much more money is enough? It doesn't seem enough for my husband but it's enough for me. I would rather stay home and spend time with my young children as well as working on my mental health. Divorce is the last resort but a marriage of resentment and unhappiiness isn't a much of a better life.

The world is full of people who would rather not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.

Sure. And he doesn't have to do do what she wants - support her while she stays at home.

Look, the default in this country is that adults work, in order to pay the bills. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. I agree with a PP that in a relationship, if one person wants to stop working, it needs two yes votes. Without consensus, the default - everyone works - continues.

I understand it takes 2 people to support being a sahm. After awhile, how much more money is enough? It doesn't seem enough for my husband but it's enough for me. I would rather stay home and spend time with my young children as well as working on my mental health. Divorce is the last resort but a marriage of resentment and unhappiiness isn't a much of a better life.

I am the "two nannies" poster, and I wasn't entirely kidding.

First things first - are you able to take any leave from your job? Annual leave, sick leave, even unpaid leave? If so, take it. That doesn't mean stop working, but you sound like you really, really need some time. Your husband may disagree, but if you have the time I think you should take it. Find a therapist for couples counseling.

Second, if you don't already have a nanny, hire a nanny. Hire a housecleaner. Make like life easier so that when you are home from work you can hang out with your kids.

Third, stick to your guns on no new house - at least for the time being. Building a new house that's going to stretch your finances when you are already at your breaking point is a bad idea. Your husband can be mad about it, but that's the truth.

TBH, if I were you I would not stop working. Your husband sounds a bit unrealistic and doesn't seem supportive based on your posts. You ought to make sure you are able to support yourself if you find yourself in that situation.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Divorce isn’t going to help you because you still don’t get to be a SAHM. It’s a huge stress to be the sole breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.

Sure. And he doesn't have to do do what she wants - support her while she stays at home.

Look, the default in this country is that adults work, in order to pay the bills. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. I agree with a PP that in a relationship, if one person wants to stop working, it needs two yes votes. Without consensus, the default - everyone works - continues.

She is paying the bills with $4M that is her money .. she makes more than him.

In 9 months the kids will be much older and she can go back full time.

Btw working part time is not NOT working, especially when you make more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to do what your husband says; that is right. Worst case scenario: you divorce and use your $2 million to finance staying at home yourself till they’re in high school. You can afford it.

Then when the kids are in HS, she will be 50-60, broke and unemployed. Not a great plan

[Anonymous]

OP - I would find a way to cut back, even a little bit at work but still remain a mostly full-time employee. I didn't have health issues, but found the stress of 3 kids and a full time job were worth the 20% pay cut (I took fridays off). GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I would find a way to cut back, even a little bit at work but still remain a mostly full-time employee. I didn't have health issues, but found the stress of 3 kids and a full time job to be so overwhelming that it was worth the 20% pay cut (I took fridays off). GL

edited above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do know that if you divorce, you are permanently giving up any possibility of being a SAHM, right?

Yes, but she would probably get some free days if he's a good dad and wanting shared custody. Also, living with someone you resent is hard. At least she wouldn't have to do that.

OP, I was sort of in your shoes for a while. My DH didn't want to give up the lifestyle he'd become accustomed to. I was resentful. Our sex life tanked because I just couldn't get turned by someone I resented. In my situation though, DH was doing some of the house/child care.

Long story short, I ended up quitting and being a sahm for a while. I don't know if DH ever felt resentful of me doing this, but he doesn't show it. Our marriage is so much better now, including our sex life. I think that makes up for any resentment

If I were in your shoes, my DH would absolutely understand wanting to cut back on work. Your DH is an ahole.