Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

We had kids later and I went through many rounds of IVF as well as losing a child. When we had our twins, I ended up passing out on the delivery table due to blood loss and ended up in ICU in an induced coma. I went to back to work at 3 months and was still recovering. I told my husband that I feel like I am overwhelmed, depressed and about to have a nervous break down. I asked for a break from work to recover and concentrate on our kids. He was not supportive. I told him I can't do it all, managing the house, finance and working a demanding job. I even gave him the option of being a SAHP since I have a great income potential but he does not want to be a SAHP and does not want me to be a sahm.

We have a net worth of 4M including a home that is paid off. Both of us make the same amount of money. I feel we have plenty of money for one of us to be a SAHP. Recently he wants to build a $1M home. Again I iterated that I was overwhelmed with the children, stressed with work and don't want to live paycheck to paycheck to build this dream house. I cancelled the build contract and he is extremely upset. He can't buy the house without my paycheck. He couldn't be supportive about me being a stay at home mom even temporarily to recover, why should I suck it up and work my butt off so he can have his dream house.

He refuses to go to counseling and the resentment is growing on both side. What can I do besides short of divorce?

[Anonymous]

Hire two nannies - one for each kid.

[Anonymous]

SAHM is a joint decision.

If both parties do not agree on it, then it would only create resentment from the other party. This can kill your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would just take the time off. You need recovery time and you have the money. He will get used to the idea and will likely appreciate having you less stressed and exhausted. Especially if you're in a field you know you can return to, just do it! I waited far too long. My mental and physical health suffered as did my family. We are much happier now. Not as wealthy but happy.

[Anonymous]

You do know that if you divorce, you are permanently giving up any possibility of being a SAHM, right?

[Anonymous]

Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just take the time off. You need recovery time and you have the money. He will get used to the idea and will likely appreciate having you less stressed and exhausted. Especially if you're in a field you know you can return to, just do it! I waited far too long. My mental and physical health suffered as did my family. We are much happier now. Not as wealthy but happy.

Your advice if to just quit her job, and stay at home?

OP, don't do this.

[Anonymous]

This is one for counseling, not for DCUM.

If counseling is out, then find a lawyer. There is no in betwen if one isn’t hearing the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.

Sure. And he doesn't have to do do what she wants - support her while she stays at home.

Look, the default in this country is that adults work, in order to pay the bills. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. I agree with a PP that in a relationship, if one person wants to stop working, it needs two yes votes. Without consensus, the default - everyone works - continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.

Yeah he's never going to figure that out when he sees the W-2s and looks at the tax returns, dumbass.

[Anonymous]

You have a home that is paid off, there's no reason to buy another and get into more debt. After going through all that you should definitely take time off. At least until the kids are in school. Him not being supportive during all you went through is very troubling. He sounds pretty selfish.

[Anonymous]

Take all that money and hire a great nanny (or 2), a good house keeper, and a good enough cook. You won't be so overwhelmed. Money fixes everything.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to go to counseling yourself and figure out what happens next. Right now prioritize your children and yourself. Whittle down what you need to do at home to your children and yourself. Hire out as much as possible- have someone come to clean every week. Don’t worry about the yard for a few months. Get groceries delivered for the food you and your children need. If you children are not eating solid food yet, consider buying premade meals for yourself. Who does drop off and who does pick up for children care? Only do your and your children’s laundry (or have the every week housekeeper do it). Are you breastfeeding? How old are your children now? Are they sleeping through the night yet?

How are the child responsibilities divided up between your and your spouse? What are your working hours out of the house and what are his? Do either of your travel? How flexible are your hours and how flexible are his? DO you qualify for FMLA? If so have you used it up?

[Anonymous]

How do you have the type of wealth you describe and a paid off home, but cannot afford a 1 million dollar home without living paycheck to paycheck?? What is your HHI and what is your current home worth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM is a joint decision.

If both parties do not agree on it, then it would only create resentment from the other party. This can kill your marriage.

It's not a joint decision if her health is at risk. If she can get leave from work and can get approval from her employer she should take it. His financial goals do not trump her health or their family. What do you think couples do when one of them has cancer or gets laid off. They cope.