S/O Question for people who wouldn't go to a wedding if your kids aren't invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure many of you have read (and giggled about) the kid-free wedding rant thread.

Plenty of people weighed in, and I noticed a lot of people saying that if a couple had a child-free wedding, they would not go. Many of these people ALSO said that it was up to the couple getting married who to invite to their wedding, and they would not be mad or annoyed at the couple for choosing not to invite kids to the wedding, so that's not the issue.

For those of you who would not go to a wedding that your kids weren't invited to, why? If it's because you don't have childcare for the night, or the weekend if its an out of town wedding, I understand 100%. It is expensive, not everyone has family who can help (or sometimes that family is also going to the wedding). If childcare isn't the issue.....what is? Do you just not like weddings and want an excuse not to go?

Please know that I am not trying to be snarky or judgmental. I have so much fun at weddings and we have managed to make it to all of the weddings we've been invited to post-kids, and even when they are invited, we never bring them.

They could do everyone a favor and just stay home and stop making evreything about them, that would make everyone happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

Actually I'm an introvert. And I do think it's sad that people can't see beyond themselves and make time for their friends. Getting married is a big deal, and it's crappy to not even try to go.

I'm the one you are criticizing for liking family time. I think it's the opposite of sad that I'm prioritizing the needs of my children above the needs of my old college roommate who I see once a year. It's practically the opposite of "can't see beyond myself". It's putting my kids ahead of casual friends.

I Hess if you don’t want to HAVE any friends and have your life be all about your kids, that’s fine. But I have friends I’ve known way longer than kids have been alive and I feel it’s jmoirtant to make the effort.

Honestly, I'm sensing that you don't have kids. No one with kids would say that putting your kids needs ahead of your friends needs means "you don't want to have any friends and want your life to be all about your kids". What a strange thing to say.

[Anonymous]

I’m someone who generally goes if we can or sends a representative but have had to say no at times and kids not being invited was part of the difficulty.
Timing matters when juggling childcare. In one recent one that I was invited to but had to say no, I didn’t get a save the date and knew a small wedding was being planned. I assumed I wasn’t invited and was ok with that. Then 6 weeks out I got a no kids invite. I was surprised to get it and just really couldn’t figure it all out in 4 weeks (say rsvp was due two weeks ahead of wedding) so had to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

Actually I'm an introvert. And I do think it's sad that people can't see beyond themselves and make time for their friends. Getting married is a big deal, and it's crappy to not even try to go.

I'm the one you are criticizing for liking family time. I think it's the opposite of sad that I'm prioritizing the needs of my children above the needs of my old college roommate who I see once a year. It's practically the opposite of "can't see beyond myself". It's putting my kids ahead of casual friends.

I'm not criticizing you for liking family time, but you are obviously being defensive. When did we start talking about an old college roommate who you see once a year? Keep changing the goal posts if you need to in order to make your argument stronger.

What? I specifically said that if it were a close family member or friend, I'd go alone (or my DH would go alone) or for a VERY close family member we would leave our kids behind. But most wedding invites are for old college friends or more distant family members. Anyways, I was just answering the OP's question honestly and I'm not sure why that offends you, but when you have kids one day I'm sure you'll understand why my kids are more important to me than , for example, my old freshman year roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all pretty interesting. I understand the prioritizing involved - i really do - but I think it's crappy to not go to a wedding solely because it's inconvenient (NOT because of an actual lack of finances or childcare) now that you have kids.

I am married and have one child. My best friend is single and kid-free. She has gone to every bachelorette party, every wedding, all over the place, for her friends for years. If she were to get married soon and many of those friends didn't come solely because of the inconvenience or not wanting to be away from their kids for the weekend, I think that would be crappy.

I absolutely agree with the situation you describe (skipping your best friend's wedding just because you don't want to be away from your kids for one night is shitty). But that's not at all what most people are referring to when they say they don't attend most out of town weddings unless their kids can come. There are always going to be exceptions- and in the situation you describe, that would be an exception for almost anyone.

[Anonymous]

What do you all do with your kids at weddings when it's past their bedtime? Roll the stroller into the hallway and tell your toddler to go to sleep in it? Or are you all leaving early because you schlepped your kids to a wedding? I think it's rude to leave a wedding early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

I'm an introvert (and work full-time) and just had a girls' weekend in Vegas with my sister and cousin. It was a blast. I'm glad my children know that mommy and/or daddy can go away for a few days, and it is fine. My sister/cousins know me and if I went back to the room to rest or down to the spa for a hot tub session by myself for some alone time while they kept shopping, it was no big deal. We ate at great restaurants, saw Celine, had a BLAST. Meanwhile, my kids had fun with Daddy and went hiking, had pizza for dinner one night and cleaned up the house to make it special for me when I got home.

I was a camp counselor and had a few girls in their tweens and late teens who had never been away from their parents before, even for a weekend with grandparents. How do you think that went? You think they were secure, confident, well-adjusted girls?

This is all totally off topic.... ? Wanting to spend time together as a family on weekends when your kids are young does not mean you never give your kids a chance to learn independence or be away from mom and dad. I actually posted back on page 1 or 2 that my DH and I go away for a trip without our kids once a year, as an example. And we go away separately from time to time as well. What you are posting about has nothing to do with out of town weddings that don't allow kids and whether or not parents prioritize going to these events despite incovenience/ costs/ etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It’s really not though - that discounts the inconvenience, cost, etc. that childless people took on to come to that wedding. We all have things going on. I know we all like to think we are the busiest, but that implies your time is more valuable when you have kids and that’s really icky to me.

Your time and money aren't necessarily more valuable when you have kids, but they are more finite. I don't view weddings as some sort of tit-for-tat thing, where someone choosing to accept your invitation to your wedding automatically obliges you to attend theirs no matter the inconvenience. Unless someone is very wealthy, I don't think the thousands of dollars for flights, hotels, attire, gifts, etc. could merely be viewed as an "inconvenience." Unless I'm exceptionally close to you, I'm not spending thousands of dollars on your wedding. I guess I'm in the clear though, since my wedding was a local, low key affair and no one spent much money to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

Actually I'm an introvert. And I do think it's sad that people can't see beyond themselves and make time for their friends. Getting married is a big deal, and it's crappy to not even try to go.

100% agree. And I bet the couple getting married showed up at their wedding.

I don’t disagree but just sharing that I think it’s somewhat comparing apples to oranges unless the couple now getting married already had kids when they attended the other wedding.

It’s really not though - that discounts the inconvenience, cost, etc. that childless people took on to come to that wedding. We all have things going on. I know we all like to think we are the busiest, but that implies your time is more valuable when you have kids and that’s really icky to me.

My time is definitely not more valuable than someone's who is childless I don't think anyone is trying to say anything like that at all. I do, however, prioritize the needs of my kids over the needs of casual friends. If attending the childless wedding of a casual/social friend out of state means that I'm going to not be able to spend the weekend at the local beach with my kids and instead send them to their grandparents house (which they don't love)- that's a no brainer to me. If the friend were a close friend, or i felt that my presence at the wedding was truly necessary and that I'd be missed- it would be a different story. But most weddings aren't like that at all. And if they really prioritized their friends coming to their wedding they'd include kids in the invitation. (No judgment that they didn't- just they can't complain if people with kids decline the invite. And in my experience, no one does complain)

This makes perfect sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I LOVE kid-free events, and I'm from the NYC area where almost all weddings are kid-free affairs with lots of food and have an open bar. However, for us, it comes down to expense.

Additionally, over the years, I have spent thousands attending out of state weddings that didn't work out. So, therefore I no longer view a wedding as something I want to spend a bunch of money on, especially when the couple gets divorced within five years. If it is a local wedding for a close friend, sure. If it is an out of town wedding for a close friend, we usually "send a delegate". I'm not hiring a weekend sitter to go to a wedding.

For what it is worth, I never understood the whole "just make a weekend out of it!" argument. I don't want to spend my vacation time and money, both of which are finite resources, attending a wedding. If I'm going to invest the time and money to enjoy a weekend away with my spouse, we are going to do exactly what we want to do. But all that is kind of a hypothetical anyway, as we no longer have someone to watch our kids for a weekend (grandparents in ill health).

I disagree with that last paragraph mainly because, even though I might bitch and moan a little bit to DH about having to go to a wedding in the middle of nowhere, if it's going to be a big reunion of friends, it will be fun no matter where it is. At this stage in our lives, we rarely get to see friends from high school, friends from college, and friends from grad school UNLESS it's at someone's wedding, and if that means leaving our kid once or twice a year with grandma to schlep to Schitt's Creek for a wedding, so be it. (Again, if you don't have the money or the trusted childcare, that is different).

Look, I’m with you and I feel my life is full with friends and family. To the others who won’t go if kids aren’t invited, do you ever complain here that you don’t have friends? If not, then I guess you’re happy doing what you’re doing and that’s good.

I have lots of friends (most of whom have kids, FWIW) and to be perfectly honest, most people invite kids to their weddings if they are out of town because most people just want everyone to be able to make it an enjoy themselves. For the people who don't want kids to come AND the wedding is out of town, I find that they fully expect most parents of young kids to not attend and it's a non issue. I've never had a friendship deteriorate over my lack of attendance to an out of town wedding that didn't include my kids. Which is what this post is about (despite you trying to make it about how I must have a general life philosophy that I don't value friendships and that I'm selfish)

[Anonymous]

I have four young kids. Going to a child free wedding costs a fortune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure many of you have read (and giggled about) the kid-free wedding rant thread.

Plenty of people weighed in, and I noticed a lot of people saying that if a couple had a child-free wedding, they would not go. Many of these people ALSO said that it was up to the couple getting married who to invite to their wedding, and they would not be mad or annoyed at the couple for choosing not to invite kids to the wedding, so that's not the issue.

For those of you who would not go to a wedding that your kids weren't invited to, why? If it's because you don't have childcare for the night, or the weekend if its an out of town wedding, I understand 100%. It is expensive, not everyone has family who can help (or sometimes that family is also going to the wedding). If childcare isn't the issue.....what is? Do you just not like weddings and want an excuse not to go?

Please know that I am not trying to be snarky or judgmental. I have so much fun at weddings and we have managed to make it to all of the weddings we've been invited to post-kids, and even when they are invited, we never bring them.

They could do everyone a favor and just stay home and stop making evreything about them, that would make everyone happy.

I do stay home. Without malice. And send a gift. I thought you were complaining about the fact that I DO stay home....?

[Anonymous]

Someone on here is Big Mad that she had a child-free wedding and people chose not to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you all do with your kids at weddings when it's past their bedtime? Roll the stroller into the hallway and tell your toddler to go to sleep in it? Or are you all leaving early because you schlepped your kids to a wedding? I think it's rude to leave a wedding early.

We usually leave around 9 (receptions usually end at 10 and you're crazy if you think anyone cares- grandmas, young kids, blacked out drunk cousins all leave on the "early bus"!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you all do with your kids at weddings when it's past their bedtime? Roll the stroller into the hallway and tell your toddler to go to sleep in it? Or are you all leaving early because you schlepped your kids to a wedding? I think it's rude to leave a wedding early.

We all stayed to dance. I have a cute video of my 2 year old dancing at 11pm and then asleep on two chairs later on. But then my kids behave and then fall asleep nicely, they don't whine and scream and disturb people.