S/O Question for people who wouldn't go to a wedding if your kids aren't invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

Actually I'm an introvert. And I do think it's sad that people can't see beyond themselves and make time for their friends. Getting married is a big deal, and it's crappy to not even try to go.

100% agree. And I bet the couple getting married showed up at their wedding.

I don’t disagree but just sharing that I think it’s somewhat comparing apples to oranges unless the couple now getting married already had kids when they attended the other wedding.

It’s really not though - that discounts the inconvenience, cost, etc. that childless people took on to come to that wedding. We all have things going on. I know we all like to think we are the busiest, but that implies your time is more valuable when you have kids and that’s really icky to me.

Not worth more, but kid-free time is much more precious when you actually have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

I'm an introvert (and work full-time) and just had a girls' weekend in Vegas with my sister and cousin. It was a blast. I'm glad my children know that mommy and/or daddy can go away for a few days, and it is fine. My sister/cousins know me and if I went back to the room to rest or down to the spa for a hot tub session by myself for some alone time while they kept shopping, it was no big deal. We ate at great restaurants, saw Celine, had a BLAST. Meanwhile, my kids had fun with Daddy and went hiking, had pizza for dinner one night and cleaned up the house to make it special for me when I got home.

I was a camp counselor and had a few girls in their tweens and late teens who had never been away from their parents before, even for a weekend with grandparents. How do you think that went? You think they were secure, confident, well-adjusted girls?

You’re talking about teens and tweens, and it sounds like your kids are older if they’re going hiking. That’s different from leaving your infant/toddler for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is turning into another thread like the mommy wars threads where we need to be specific about kids ages. Can you be mad if your friend with a 6-year-old won’t come to your wedding? Maybe. Can you be mad if your friend with an infant wont come? I don’t think so.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what kind of weddings you all are going to but I spent my late 20s schlepping to mostly really fun evening weddings all over the place for college/grad school friends - of the probably 20+ weddings we have been to not one has been in my own town so it is just normal for us to have to travel. I look back fondly on those days of carefree drinking and dancing! I love my toddler but the idea of bringing him to one of these events sounds miserable, and thetravel to get him there, ugh no thanks. Even at a family wedding, I’m sure I’d be forced into bringing him if he were invited and all the relatives would claim they’d watch him but I know it’s end up being me, so ugh no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all pretty interesting. I understand the prioritizing involved - i really do - but I think it's crappy to not go to a wedding solely because it's inconvenient (NOT because of an actual lack of finances or childcare) now that you have kids.

I am married and have one child. My best friend is single and kid-free. She has gone to every bachelorette party, every wedding, all over the place, for her friends for years. If she were to get married soon and many of those friends didn't come solely because of the inconvenience or not wanting to be away from their kids for the weekend, I think that would be crappy.

They she should invite kids to the wedding!

Hard no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what kind of weddings you all are going to but I spent my late 20s schlepping to mostly really fun evening weddings all over the place for college/grad school friends - of the probably 20+ weddings we have been to not one has been in my own town so it is just normal for us to have to travel. I look back fondly on those days of carefree drinking and dancing! I love my toddler but the idea of bringing him to one of these events sounds miserable, and thetravel to get him there, ugh no thanks. Even at a family wedding, I’m sure I’d be forced into bringing him if he were invited and all the relatives would claim they’d watch him but I know it’s end up being me, so ugh no thanks.

PREACH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Overnight childcare is expensive and I don't have anyone to watch that I'd trust. My parents will watch the kids for some nights, but I don't want to waste that on a child-free wedding -- those precious nights are spent on a vacation with DH and me.

Also, honestly, the kid-free weddings I have been to have been really boring and tedious, even before I had kids. They felt like work events, not something truly enjoyable. It's not that having kids at the wedding is so important, but I think that the people who can deal with kids are more relaxed and fun, and therefore their weddings are much more fun. Since getting childcare is such a hassle, and I don't think the event will be one I would enjoy much, I don't see the point.

I think people are totally fine choosing kid-free weddings, by the way. I would never complain about a kid-free wedding or ask to bring my kids anyhow, of course. I just think they are more likely to be stuffy, uptight affairs.

Np here. Do you realize how lucky you are to have that luxury?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what kind of weddings you all are going to but I spent my late 20s schlepping to mostly really fun evening weddings all over the place for college/grad school friends - of the probably 20+ weddings we have been to not one has been in my own town so it is just normal for us to have to travel. I look back fondly on those days of carefree drinking and dancing! I love my toddler but the idea of bringing him to one of these events sounds miserable, and thetravel to get him there, ugh no thanks. Even at a family wedding, I’m sure I’d be forced into bringing him if he were invited and all the relatives would claim they’d watch him but I know it’s end up being me, so ugh no thanks.

PREACH.

+1

Plus, it is usually the parents who claim that someone will watch their toddler, but no one ever does, and the toddler ends up running roughshod, and no one truly enjoys that - but the parents are not going to tell you as much. Also, the parents claim it is some sort of "family reunion" (even if they don't call it that). In reality, if the parents want a reunion so much, they should plan it themselves. It is the bride and groom's day, not anyone else's. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is turning into another thread like the mommy wars threads where we need to be specific about kids ages. Can you be mad if your friend with a 6-year-old won’t come to your wedding? Maybe. Can you be mad if your friend with an infant wont come? I don’t think so.

I don't think that many brides and grooms care who does not show up. Most parents who refuse to go without their small children are just making it about them, anyway. It's rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I LOVE kid-free events, and I'm from the NYC area where almost all weddings are kid-free affairs with lots of food and have an open bar. However, for us, it comes down to expense.

Additionally, over the years, I have spent thousands attending out of state weddings that didn't work out. So, therefore I no longer view a wedding as something I want to spend a bunch of money on, especially when the couple gets divorced within five years. If it is a local wedding for a close friend, sure. If it is an out of town wedding for a close friend, we usually "send a delegate". I'm not hiring a weekend sitter to go to a wedding.

For what it is worth, I never understood the whole "just make a weekend out of it!" argument. I don't want to spend my vacation time and money, both of which are finite resources, attending a wedding. If I'm going to invest the time and money to enjoy a weekend away with my spouse, we are going to do exactly what we want to do. But all that is kind of a hypothetical anyway, as we no longer have someone to watch our kids for a weekend (grandparents in ill health).

I disagree with that last paragraph mainly because, even though I might bitch and moan a little bit to DH about having to go to a wedding in the middle of nowhere, if it's going to be a big reunion of friends, it will be fun no matter where it is. At this stage in our lives, we rarely get to see friends from high school, friends from college, and friends from grad school UNLESS it's at someone's wedding, and if that means leaving our kid once or twice a year with grandma to schlep to Schitt's Creek for a wedding, so be it. (Again, if you don't have the money or the trusted childcare, that is different).

[Anonymous]

We usually do things as a family, and someone's wedding is not a good enough reason to go to the trouble of finding and paying for care for our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We usually do things as a family, and someone's wedding is not a good enough reason to go to the trouble of finding and paying for care for our children.

Huh.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 10 and 13 now, so I'd go to an out of town wedding that was no kids and leave them in the hotel alone. When they were MUCH smaller, though, we turned down a couple and in one case the person was little pissed (it was a friend, but not a childhood friend). But simply too hard when breastfeeding to leave with a random person in a hotel room. Luckily we never ran into this situation when the kids were 4-10 years old. N(Not that they nursed til 4, but the younger was above 1).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I LOVE kid-free events, and I'm from the NYC area where almost all weddings are kid-free affairs with lots of food and have an open bar. However, for us, it comes down to expense.

Additionally, over the years, I have spent thousands attending out of state weddings that didn't work out. So, therefore I no longer view a wedding as something I want to spend a bunch of money on, especially when the couple gets divorced within five years. If it is a local wedding for a close friend, sure. If it is an out of town wedding for a close friend, we usually "send a delegate". I'm not hiring a weekend sitter to go to a wedding.

For what it is worth, I never understood the whole "just make a weekend out of it!" argument. I don't want to spend my vacation time and money, both of which are finite resources, attending a wedding. If I'm going to invest the time and money to enjoy a weekend away with my spouse, we are going to do exactly what we want to do. But all that is kind of a hypothetical anyway, as we no longer have someone to watch our kids for a weekend (grandparents in ill health).

I disagree with that last paragraph mainly because, even though I might bitch and moan a little bit to DH about having to go to a wedding in the middle of nowhere, if it's going to be a big reunion of friends, it will be fun no matter where it is. At this stage in our lives, we rarely get to see friends from high school, friends from college, and friends from grad school UNLESS it's at someone's wedding, and if that means leaving our kid once or twice a year with grandma to schlep to Schitt's Creek for a wedding, so be it. (Again, if you don't have the money or the trusted childcare, that is different).

Look, I’m with you and I feel my life is full with friends and family. To the others who won’t go if kids aren’t invited, do you ever complain here that you don’t have friends? If not, then I guess you’re happy doing what you’re doing and that’s good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

Actually I'm an introvert. And I do think it's sad that people can't see beyond themselves and make time for their friends. Getting married is a big deal, and it's crappy to not even try to go.

100% agree. And I bet the couple getting married showed up at their wedding.

I don’t disagree but just sharing that I think it’s somewhat comparing apples to oranges unless the couple now getting married already had kids when they attended the other wedding.

It’s really not though - that discounts the inconvenience, cost, etc. that childless people took on to come to that wedding. We all have things going on. I know we all like to think we are the busiest, but that implies your time is more valuable when you have kids and that’s really icky to me.

My time is definitely not more valuable than someone's who is childless I don't think anyone is trying to say anything like that at all. I do, however, prioritize the needs of my kids over the needs of casual friends. If attending the childless wedding of a casual/social friend out of state means that I'm going to not be able to spend the weekend at the local beach with my kids and instead send them to their grandparents house (which they don't love)- that's a no brainer to me. If the friend were a close friend, or i felt that my presence at the wedding was truly necessary and that I'd be missed- it would be a different story. But most weddings aren't like that at all. And if they really prioritized their friends coming to their wedding they'd include kids in the invitation. (No judgment that they didn't- just they can't complain if people with kids decline the invite. And in my experience, no one does complain)