Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So - what exactly is wrong with your inlaws?

I find most of these complaining about in-laws posts reflective of an inherent selfishness and self-centered nature. They are family. They are your husband's parents and your children's grandparents. You can suck it up and be polite and nice to them for five days out of the year. If you can't do that they you're more a bad daughter in law.

No I see most of the inlaw issues as communication issues between weak sons and his parents. And because there's no communication, inlaws don't help, they're out of the loop and demand a lot of DILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age of the kids matters here. If your kids are, say, 2 and 5, and you come down and get a cup of coffee and go back to your room alone to read every morning, I'm going to think you're a brat. Parents of young children don't get to not be morning people. That said, bowing out of one "out to eat" breakfast seems reasonable, and the older the kids are the more space both you and your DH can take without it seeming like you are just being lazy.

Yep! And this is what my inlaws don't get. They want constant holidays and vacations but it's SOOO much work being "on" with toddlers and babies. I need a break and can only get a break when DH and I go on vacations by ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We spent two weeks in Spain this past Christmas with my parents. We were together pretty much the whole time. We shared apartments, saw the activities together. My parents went out on their own maybe twice out of the two weeks. And it was great.

I think you're not being frank about your relationship with your in-laws. By your admission they are fine people. Five days isn't a long time. I don't have much sympathy. You're probably more self-centered and self-absorbed than you realize. Which is usually the case. And I can tell because you're making this all about you. It's all about what you want. Not what other people want. You even don't want to go and resent the trip, despite that you say your in-laws are fine and your kids love them. When it comes to family we often do things for the family, not just for ourselves. And you're forgetting this.

If you're really bothered by your in-laws chattering it's pretty simple. Firmly say you're getting up late in the mornings because it's vacation. And at some point during the day say you're going out for a short walk to think through something at work (or any other excuse). And smile brightly and be nice. Just don't make a drama out of it.

It's different if you're with your own parents vs your inlaws. You can be yourself around your own parents and you're probably closer to the woman's parents. My DH finds my (amazing to me) parents overbearing and stressful. I wouldn't do that to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don’t operate this way. When we vacation together, people get up when they want, eat meals when they want, sight see when they want, nap when they want, go to bed when they want. It all evens out.

And? Yes? So? How nice for you. How, exactly, is this relevant to OP's situation?

OP didn't ask "Is this a dynamic that you like?" she asked, "I don't like this dynamic; how can I best operate in it?"

I hate useless posts like this. No one asked how you vacation.

Well, this IS how PP vacations, regardless of whether other people approve or not. What are the ILs going to do -- go to her room and force her to wake up? Force her into the van for group sightseeing?

The fact is, you can teach people how to treat you by just ... doing what you intend to do and being unapologetic about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We spent two weeks in Spain this past Christmas with my parents. We were together pretty much the whole time. We shared apartments, saw the activities together. My parents went out on their own maybe twice out of the two weeks. And it was great.

I think you're not being frank about your relationship with your in-laws. By your admission they are fine people. Five days isn't a long time. I don't have much sympathy. You're probably more self-centered and self-absorbed than you realize. Which is usually the case. And I can tell because you're making this all about you. It's all about what you want. Not what other people want. You even don't want to go and resent the trip, despite that you say your in-laws are fine and your kids love them. When it comes to family we often do things for the family, not just for ourselves. And you're forgetting this.

If you're really bothered by your in-laws chattering it's pretty simple. Firmly say you're getting up late in the mornings because it's vacation. And at some point during the day say you're going out for a short walk to think through something at work (or any other excuse). And smile brightly and be nice. Just don't make a drama out of it.

Great, you don't need much alone time. Other people do. The fact is, it's incredibly rude and self-centered to assume that other people want to do every single activity that you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of how you’ll feel when your son or daughter or whatever in law hold these views of you. As they inevitably will. Unless these are truly horrible people, suck it up. Grow up.

More than that, keep in mind that your kids are learning how to model treating grandparents from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of how you’ll feel when your son or daughter or whatever in law hold these views of you. As they inevitably will. Unless these are truly horrible people, suck it up. Grow up.

More than that, keep in mind that your kids are learning how to model treating grandparents from you.

Who said anything about treating anyone wrong? Stop projecting! Trying to find a way to politely incorporate ways for alone time on a vacation with larger than life family is NOT disrespectful! You people are completely deluded!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of how you’ll feel when your son or daughter or whatever in law hold these views of you. As they inevitably will. Unless these are truly horrible people, suck it up. Grow up.

More than that, keep in mind that your kids are learning how to model treating grandparents from you.

Not true. I treat my parents and inlaws totally different than how my parents treated their parents. Different people and different relationships. My parents are extremely, extremely involved and helpful and my grandparents never even visited us once (we went to them).

I'm sick of people saying women need to roll over and just put up with it all just so that their kids will treat them nice when they're grown up. There's not a cookie in life for being a doormat

[Anonymous]

It's five days. It's a family vacation. The inlaws are "fine" according to the OP. She has 360 days in the rest of the year to be alone.

I don't see why there is a problem. OP has other issues with her inlaws she's not telling us. Because otherwise she's coming across as overbearing (ironically, given what she said about her MIL).

You either want good family relationships or you don't. And it's clear OP isn't interested in having good relationships with her inlaws. The MIL is probably viewing this trip as a great family bonding time and an opportunity to build memories for the grandkids and to spend quality time with each other. Think about that. Maybe humor her for five days and make her happy?

But I predict this will happen instead. You will be cold and withdrawn with hints of resentment. Your MIL doesn't understand it. It makes her unhappy. She feels trip has been ruined. Everyone goes home unhappy. And you'll twist it against MIL and blame it on her because it cannot ever be your fault.

OP, grow up. Be an adult. Stop making this about you. We do things for family members because it's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's five days. It's a family vacation. The inlaws are "fine" according to the OP. She has 360 days in the rest of the year to be alone.

I don't see why there is a problem. OP has other issues with her inlaws she's not telling us. Because otherwise she's coming across as overbearing (ironically, given what she said about her MIL).

You either want good family relationships or you don't. And it's clear OP isn't interested in having good relationships with her inlaws. The MIL is probably viewing this trip as a great family bonding time and an opportunity to build memories for the grandkids and to spend quality time with each other. Think about that. Maybe humor her for five days and make her happy?

But I predict this will happen instead. You will be cold and withdrawn with hints of resentment. Your MIL doesn't understand it. It makes her unhappy. She feels trip has been ruined. Everyone goes home unhappy. And you'll twist it against MIL and blame it on her because it cannot ever be your fault.

OP, grow up. Be an adult. Stop making this about you. We do things for family members because it's family.

Surely she sees her in-laws other times during the year, so it's not just 5 days out of the year. And OP is fine. She plans to go, she understands why it makes sense, and she wants it to go well -- which is why she posted.


This is a normal situation, and is not a crazy request of the grandparents. With that said, OP is a tagalong. The trip is for the benefit of the grandparents; OP didn't even have input into what and where. So of course OP is not super-excited -- her interests are last priority in this situation. Again, it's not a crazy plan, but is does take a certain amount of self-abnegation on OP's part (welcome to motherhood...).


Generally, I do find the entitlement of a lot of Boomer grandparents to be a little absurd. Grandkids do not exist to provide them with fulfillment or entertainment.

With that said, OP's IL's were smart enough to get a spacious place with a 'wing' for OP's family. That bodes well.

[Anonymous]

^ She’s not trying to get out of it, she’s trying to find a way for it to work with differing personality styles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's five days. It's a family vacation. The inlaws are "fine" according to the OP. She has 360 days in the rest of the year to be alone.

I don't see why there is a problem. OP has other issues with her inlaws she's not telling us. Because otherwise she's coming across as overbearing (ironically, given what she said about her MIL).

You either want good family relationships or you don't. And it's clear OP isn't interested in having good relationships with her inlaws. The MIL is probably viewing this trip as a great family bonding time and an opportunity to build memories for the grandkids and to spend quality time with each other. Think about that. Maybe humor her for five days and make her happy?

But I predict this will happen instead. You will be cold and withdrawn with hints of resentment. Your MIL doesn't understand it. It makes her unhappy. She feels trip has been ruined. Everyone goes home unhappy. And you'll twist it against MIL and blame it on her because it cannot ever be your fault.

OP, grow up. Be an adult. Stop making this about you. We do things for family members because it's family.

This. If you see them only during very limited times of the year, do your best to have some quality family time together, especially if they are generally good hearted people.

I have given up on on dh's sibling and family, because after 20 years they seemed to resent the less than 5 days we spent together throughout the year.

Think many problems with inlaws that are discussed here have roots in the lack of vacation most of us experience. If there was time to get together with both sets of grandparents, plus a week long vacation you want to go on, there probably would be many fewer problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's five days. It's a family vacation. The inlaws are "fine" according to the OP. She has 360 days in the rest of the year to be alone.

I don't see why there is a problem. OP has other issues with her inlaws she's not telling us. Because otherwise she's coming across as overbearing (ironically, given what she said about her MIL).

You either want good family relationships or you don't. And it's clear OP isn't interested in having good relationships with her inlaws. The MIL is probably viewing this trip as a great family bonding time and an opportunity to build memories for the grandkids and to spend quality time with each other. Think about that. Maybe humor her for five days and make her happy?

But I predict this will happen instead. You will be cold and withdrawn with hints of resentment. Your MIL doesn't understand it. It makes her unhappy. She feels trip has been ruined. Everyone goes home unhappy. And you'll twist it against MIL and blame it on her because it cannot ever be your fault.

OP, grow up. Be an adult. Stop making this about you. We do things for family members because it's family.

This. If you see them only during very limited times of the year, do your best to have some quality family time together, especially if they are generally good hearted people.

I have given up on on dh's sibling and family, because after 20 years they seemed to resent the less than 5 days we spent together throughout the year.

Think many problems with inlaws that are discussed here have roots in the lack of vacation most of us experience. If there was time to get together with both sets of grandparents, plus a week long vacation you want to go on, there probably would be many fewer problems.

"Some" does not mean "all." You know what isn't quality time? Sitting around talking for the 8th consecutive hour because no one is supposed to do anything on their own. If you think that someone has to spend every single minute with you for a week or else you didn't have quality time, that's your issue to deal with. Normal people do not insist on that kind of togetherness. Allowing people to have some time alone will probably result in more actually quality time v. someone "sucking it up" and spending every minute with you without reprieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's five days. It's a family vacation. The inlaws are "fine" according to the OP. She has 360 days in the rest of the year to be alone.

I don't see why there is a problem. OP has other issues with her inlaws she's not telling us. Because otherwise she's coming across as overbearing (ironically, given what she said about her MIL).

You either want good family relationships or you don't. And it's clear OP isn't interested in having good relationships with her inlaws. The MIL is probably viewing this trip as a great family bonding time and an opportunity to build memories for the grandkids and to spend quality time with each other. Think about that. Maybe humor her for five days and make her happy?

But I predict this will happen instead. You will be cold and withdrawn with hints of resentment. Your MIL doesn't understand it. It makes her unhappy. She feels trip has been ruined. Everyone goes home unhappy. And you'll twist it against MIL and blame it on her because it cannot ever be your fault.

OP, grow up. Be an adult. Stop making this about you. We do things for family members because it's family.

This. If you see them only during very limited times of the year, do your best to have some quality family time together, especially if they are generally good hearted people.

I have given up on on dh's sibling and family, because after 20 years they seemed to resent the less than 5 days we spent together throughout the year.

Think many problems with inlaws that are discussed here have roots in the lack of vacation most of us experience. If there was time to get together with both sets of grandparents, plus a week long vacation you want to go on, there probably would be many fewer problems.

"Some" does not mean "all." You know what isn't quality time? Sitting around talking for the 8th consecutive hour because no one is supposed to do anything on their own. If you think that someone has to spend every single minute with you for a week or else you didn't have quality time, that's your issue to deal with. Normal people do not insist on that kind of togetherness. Allowing people to have some time alone will probably result in more actually quality time v. someone "sucking it up" and spending every minute with you without reprieve.

+1. It took some time, but my ILs eventually got used to me taking 20 minutes of quiet time here or there. It is much nicer to spend holidays/vacations with them, that I can take a break without being accused of "disappearing" and have my MIL constantly asking where I am/why I'm gone/what's wrong.

Like, she used to do this even when I went to the bathroom. Sometimes, a girl's gotta take a dump, Carole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don’t operate this way. When we vacation together, people get up when they want, eat meals when they want, sight see when they want, nap when they want, go to bed when they want. It all evens out.

And? Yes? So? How nice for you. How, exactly, is this relevant to OP's situation?

OP didn't ask "Is this a dynamic that you like?" she asked, "I don't like this dynamic; how can I best operate in it?"

I hate useless posts like this. No one asked how you vacation.

Her inlaws haven’t said she expects 100% participation dimwit.