Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine not to join them for breakfast. Just say you’re not a morning person and need some time to get going. If your MIL can’t accept this, too bad for her. However, it’s not fair to make plans for the day and exclude them. Perhaps you could plan one outing that you know they wouldn’t join, such as a 5 mile bike ride.

I like this idea!

I think this is totally fine. One thing I will say is that you need to be sure that you and your spouse are 100% on the same page on this. If he's bitter about you sleeping in and skipping breakfast, he'll be mad and your in-laws will have two things to be mad about--you don't want to have breakfast with them and you are making their son upset. If he's totally on board with it, and is fine with it, it's much more likely that your in-laws will be too.

[Anonymous]

None of this would work with my own mother on vacation. She fully expects complete, 100 percent attention at all times. Talks constantly. Is insulted and complains about other family members' long walks/extended shopping trips/time away but when she goes on vacation, wants to do nothing except chat and eat meals.

I will no longer go on vacation with my mother.

You need to talk to DH about your plans so he can back you up and make sure you have a vacation that YOU want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. Mono, maybe. Lay the groundwork now.

Right? I’m seriously going to have to start a 90-day program and get really into the gym ASAP! Sorry, can’t miss my workout! Think that’ll work?

No.

[Anonymous]

So - what exactly is wrong with your inlaws?

I find most of these complaining about in-laws posts reflective of an inherent selfishness and self-centered nature. They are family. They are your husband's parents and your children's grandparents. You can suck it up and be polite and nice to them for five days out of the year. If you can't do that they you're more a bad daughter in law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don’t operate this way. When we vacation together, people get up when they want, eat meals when they want, sight see when they want, nap when they want, go to bed when they want. It all evens out.

And? Yes? So? How nice for you. How, exactly, is this relevant to OP's situation?

OP didn't ask "Is this a dynamic that you like?" she asked, "I don't like this dynamic; how can I best operate in it?"

I hate useless posts like this. No one asked how you vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of how you’ll feel when your son or daughter or whatever in law hold these views of you. As they inevitably will. Unless these are truly horrible people, suck it up. Grow up.

NP. I think that OP should take a balanced approach and should try her best to stay engaged, kind and cheerful. But that doesn't mean she has to spend every second of every day nose-to-nose with her ILs.

As to your point, here's what: My adult children and their partners/spouses will never think I'm overbearing on vacation, because *I don't expect people to sit and chat and do everything together and never get any down time.* I think vacations are meant to be "do whatever you want." If someone doesn't show up for breakfast, I won't go around loudly asking "Where's Larla? Why isn't she eating with us? Is she feeling well? Did we do something wrong?" Etc., etc.

If you don't *act like an overbearing person,* you won't be treated/talked about like one. Wow! See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So - what exactly is wrong with your inlaws?

I find most of these complaining about in-laws posts reflective of an inherent selfishness and self-centered nature. They are family. They are your husband's parents and your children's grandparents. You can suck it up and be polite and nice to them for five days out of the year. If you can't do that they you're more a bad daughter in law.

Stop projecting.

OP never said she had a hard time being nice and polite to her ILs. She just needs a break every so often - that’s totally normal and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Your ILS have a chalet with separate bathrooms for each room? Even if you are well off, I suggest you stay on your best behavior and put on a smile. Being nice pays off(in the end).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don’t operate this way. When we vacation together, people get up when they want, eat meals when they want, sight see when they want, nap when they want, go to bed when they want. It all evens out.

And? Yes? So? How nice for you. How, exactly, is this relevant to OP's situation?

OP didn't ask "Is this a dynamic that you like?" she asked, "I don't like this dynamic; how can I best operate in it?"

I hate useless posts like this. No one asked how you vacation.

This type of post beats, "grow up", the single worst response on DCUM, and that's including "cool story bro".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So - what exactly is wrong with your inlaws?

I find most of these complaining about in-laws posts reflective of an inherent selfishness and self-centered nature. They are family. They are your husband's parents and your children's grandparents. You can suck it up and be polite and nice to them for five days out of the year. If you can't do that they you're more a bad daughter in law.

My in-laws are nice people. Nothing is wrong with them, except that they talk non-stop. Also, being "polite and nice" does not mean spending every waking moment with them. It's not that hard to strike a balance--be polite, engaged, and participate in what they are doing sometimes, and take some time to do things that you find fun or relaxing. Vacations where everyone is expected to be together 24/7 are exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So - what exactly is wrong with your inlaws?

I find most of these complaining about in-laws posts reflective of an inherent selfishness and self-centered nature. They are family. They are your husband's parents and your children's grandparents. You can suck it up and be polite and nice to them for five days out of the year. If you can't do that they you're more a bad daughter in law.

My in-laws are nice people. Nothing is wrong with them, except that they talk non-stop. Also, being "polite and nice" does not mean spending every waking moment with them. It's not that hard to strike a balance--be polite, engaged, and participate in what they are doing sometimes, and take some time to do things that you find fun or relaxing. Vacations where everyone is expected to be together 24/7 are exhausting.

+1. Spot on.

[Anonymous]

Age of the kids matters here. If your kids are, say, 2 and 5, and you come down and get a cup of coffee and go back to your room alone to read every morning, I'm going to think you're a brat. Parents of young children don't get to not be morning people. That said, bowing out of one "out to eat" breakfast seems reasonable, and the older the kids are the more space both you and your DH can take without it seeming like you are just being lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So - what exactly is wrong with your inlaws?

I find most of these complaining about in-laws posts reflective of an inherent selfishness and self-centered nature. They are family. They are your husband's parents and your children's grandparents. You can suck it up and be polite and nice to them for five days out of the year. If you can't do that they you're more a bad daughter in law.

My in-laws are nice people. Nothing is wrong with them, except that they talk non-stop. Also, being "polite and nice" does not mean spending every waking moment with them. It's not that hard to strike a balance--be polite, engaged, and participate in what they are doing sometimes, and take some time to do things that you find fun or relaxing. Vacations where everyone is expected to be together 24/7 are exhausting.

+1. Spot on.

Agree. Time with my inlaws is expected to be a full participatory affair. And if you aren't eating all meals together, sitting around listening to their stories, talking how "WE" all are going to spend the day then they are deeply miffed and find it disrespectful. It's a no-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. Mono, maybe. Lay the groundwork now.

Right? I’m seriously going to have to start a 90-day program and get really into the gym ASAP! Sorry, can’t miss my workout! Think that’ll work?

No.

Yes, it would. You’d honestly chastise someone for sticking to a fitness routine? If your answer is yes, you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

We spent two weeks in Spain this past Christmas with my parents. We were together pretty much the whole time. We shared apartments, saw the activities together. My parents went out on their own maybe twice out of the two weeks. And it was great.

I think you're not being frank about your relationship with your in-laws. By your admission they are fine people. Five days isn't a long time. I don't have much sympathy. You're probably more self-centered and self-absorbed than you realize. Which is usually the case. And I can tell because you're making this all about you. It's all about what you want. Not what other people want. You even don't want to go and resent the trip, despite that you say your in-laws are fine and your kids love them. When it comes to family we often do things for the family, not just for ourselves. And you're forgetting this.

If you're really bothered by your in-laws chattering it's pretty simple. Firmly say you're getting up late in the mornings because it's vacation. And at some point during the day say you're going out for a short walk to think through something at work (or any other excuse). And smile brightly and be nice. Just don't make a drama out of it.