Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!

[Anonymous]

OP imagine if you just went, without all these ideas in your head about all the potential things that bugged you and inconvenienced you... Instead of making it difficult for everyone, you went with the flow and did things that made others happy for five days? Maybe not doing every single thing together, but most things.

[Anonymous]

My goal would be to mix up my participation/rest time so that nothing is imbalanced.

So, I'd show up for the first breakfast, but not the second day's breakfast, etc.

I'd do an activity with the whole family on the second day, but skip the one the next day, etc.

I'd want to be a part of each thing, but not every iteration of every thing, if that makes sense.

That being said, sit down and loosely map it out with your husband so that you two are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand forced time with in-laws. I have horrible GI issues and it's tough for me to eat breakfast on other people's time. I would be firm with what you need out of it. Let DH be the social butterfly. Don't know what your situation is like, but in these settings, I tend to gravitate towards spending time with the kids. They're much more interssting to be around and come with less baggage than the adults (and way more fun!)

[Anonymous]

How are they overbearing?

[Anonymous]

Have the in laws actually made any specific plans for the week? Do they simply want to sit around the entire 5 days and look out the windows at the mountains or are they active people? You've got to help up out OP and we can give suggestions.

I don't eat breakfast either. Grab your coffee and return to your room with your pad or book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP imagine if you just went, without all these ideas in your head about all the potential things that bugged you and inconvenienced you... Instead of making it difficult for everyone, you went with the flow and did things that made others happy for five days? Maybe not doing every single thing together, but most things.

I feel like this is sexist. It's what women get told their entire lives.

[Anonymous]

Unless your ILs are terrible, abusive people, I think you can try to be patient and courteous for 5 days, OP.

Of course you can do breakfast how you want. Of course you can sleep in. It depends on whether plans were made in advance to go somewhere together, and if so, you really should go too: you can have your coffee cup, single egg and not initiate conversation just as well in a restaurant than at the cabin - read the newspaper.

You cannot deliberately exclude your ILs, as in "we're going to such and such this afternoon, why don't you two stay here?". No, it's: "we're going to such and such this afternoon, feel free to relax here or join us." And then don't pout if they do join you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same sorts of issues and I don't think you can get a break when you're with inlaws. I just suck it up and show up for every breakfast and no alone time. No way could we ever have nuclear family time on a family trip like that. I think that's why most people find them exhausting...

Omg seriously? I will go insane!

It's 5 days... I think you're being unreasonable. We all have to take one for the team and do things outside our comfort zones. DH gave you the trip you wanted.
Can't you just suck it up and tolerate being an active participant for your DH and kids, for 5 days? It's not that big of a deal.

No, I think you're being unreasonable. Who takes a 5-day long vacation and expects everyone to be together every minute? That's not normal.

NP. Inlaws do this all the time. Especially if they're paying I think you're expected to do all activities together and go out to eat together.

Maybe they expect you to do the day's major activities and dinner, but there's no way it would be reasonable to forbid OP to take a walk on her own, sleep in and skip breakfast, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP imagine if you just went, without all these ideas in your head about all the potential things that bugged you and inconvenienced you... Instead of making it difficult for everyone, you went with the flow and did things that made others happy for five days? Maybe not doing every single thing together, but most things.

I feel like this is sexist. It's what women get told their entire lives.

Not to mention, I would lose my mind if I had no personal down time. Like, I actually get headaches, stomachaches, and become really irritable. A little built-in alone time is really important. Like, sure I can suck it up and be miserable, or I can be proactive about getting some time to recharge and then rejoin the group with a good attitude. And I don't see how skipping breakfast or taking an hour to read by myself makes anyone's life more difficult in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I'd work at keeping expectations reasonable about what you will get out of this vacation.

Your DH should back you up when you don't want to go out to breakfast and go solo with the kids. But do try to attend one day with the group, I'd aim for day 2. You should definitely just tell DH you will need a BREAK and prep him for this ahead of time, and then do it. Go to your room and take an extremely long shower, lie down and nap, read a book, listen to a podcast, whatever.

But you will not get an entire day alone. And it is not reasonable to ditch the grandparents to have an outing/dinner with only our nuclear family. If grandparents bow out of something, fine. But you can not reasonably expect this.

I also would not plan to ever get to use the hot tub alone.

Focus on the fact that they are wonderful grandparents. My inlaws drive me nuts too, but are also very good grandparents, and I survive by reading a good novel ALONE while they get some "no mom around" time with my kids. It's a win win.

I know my MIL will expect/enjoy “alone time” without parents there, occasionally. I’m just hoping it’s more often than not!

OP, are the kids excited about spending time with their grandparents? Prep them to maximize this time, including taking along special things that they can share together. Will your chalet have a kitchen? Let the kids beg grandma to bake with them and make sure they're set up with supplies to make her and their favorite. They like to go on nature walks with grandpa? Send them out with collection bags and lots of questions. (etc.) Echoing what other pps have suggested too - wouldn't it be fun if they had a movie night in with the kids while you two go out to a late dinner at a place with a menu the kids wouldn't enjoy but you'd love to try?

Be kind when you are bowing out - your situation sounds like those I'm often in. I love my ILs but they are larger than life and I am way more introverted and quiet. "You guys go have a great time, and let's go for a walk when you get back" is a tried and true one for me, along with "They are so glad to have the time with you, and I owe you bigtime for giving me time to grab a nap!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same sorts of issues and I don't think you can get a break when you're with inlaws. I just suck it up and show up for every breakfast and no alone time. No way could we ever have nuclear family time on a family trip like that. I think that's why most people find them exhausting...

Omg seriously? I will go insane!

Yeah, this is the wrong approach. OP, is there a coffee maker in your room? Is DH ok taking the kids down to breakfast himself? If so, great! Let him.

Ditto on all else.

You and DH talk it through, make a bit of a plan, and go from there. Be willing to be simultaneously firm *and* cheery. "Oh, I'm just going to take a little walk and clear my head // enjoy this novel for a bit // take a nap // whatever, and I will see everyone for cocktail hour!" etc. Or, "Child 1 and I are going to do x while you guys do y with DH and child 2. Have fun! We'll see you in a little while!"

Treat it like it's something completely normal and be confident and happy about it, like it would never occur to you that they would object to something so reasonable.

It will be so much easier to be fully present and engaged when you're in the whole group if you take those breaks.

[Anonymous]

We don’t operate this way. When we vacation together, people get up when they want, eat meals when they want, sight see when they want, nap when they want, go to bed when they want. It all evens out.

[Anonymous]

OP-They’ll want to spend time w/your DH & kids! Don’t worry about hiding out. You said they were overbearing not stupid. Your condescension is dripping. They’ll pick up pretty soon on it and be happy you’re hidden away. Its great as you say that your kids love them though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was decided this weekend that, for spring break, we will be joining my in-laws at a mountain chalet (cabin/lodge) resort for 5 nights. I only agreed to this because my husband grudgingly agreed to a vacation of my choosing last year, and he wants to appease his parents. Our kids love them too, so I am taking one for the team. But I’m seriously dreading it.

It’s a big place and we will have our own rooms and bathrooms, and sort of our own “wing”, but will be sharing common areas. Short of the usual advice such as to take lots of walks alone, make time to work out, find alone time, how do you deal with things like:

Mornings? I’m not a morning person. I’m not ready to socialize and be “on” right away. Is it wrong to send DH out to the common areas alone most mornings? And what about breakfast? I don’t eat it. I like coffee and maybe a hard boiled egg, but I’m not a big restaurant breakfast every morning person. Ok to stay home and send DH and the kids with his parents?

What about when I just need a break? Is it ok to just excuse myself and say I want to read? Go to the hot tub alone? Etc? I have a feeling my MIL will want to be my shadow, and I’m ok with that to an extent. How do I tactfully turn her away when I’ve had enough and need to recharge?

Also, what’s the best way to break it to the in-laws that we would like to have dinner/sightsee/do this alone as our nuclear family?

Any other tips for surviving shared quarters with in-laws is appreciated!

You poor snowflake.

[Anonymous]

Think of how you’ll feel when your son or daughter or whatever in law hold these views of you. As they inevitably will. Unless these are truly horrible people, suck it up. Grow up.