Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!

[Anonymous]

What happens if you just communicate openly about your needs? Like, "Dearest MIL, would you be willing to watch kiddies from 1-4 so I can take a long walk? I've been missing solitude and it sounds like heaven. They're looking forward to X activity with you"

In the morning all you have to do is be polite, make sure you or DH is covering kid needs, and make sure clean up is handled. So like, it's fine to sleep in imo if DH is on breakfast/dishes situation, but not fine to let the kids run wild or let ILs make/clean up breakfast for kids if DH won't help.


Basically all you should have to do is be polite and considerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine not to join them for breakfast. Just say you’re not a morning person and need some time to get going. If your MIL can’t accept this, too bad for her. However, it’s not fair to make plans for the day and exclude them. Perhaps you could plan one outing that you know they wouldn’t join, such as a 5 mile bike ride.

I like this idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same sorts of issues and I don't think you can get a break when you're with inlaws. I just suck it up and show up for every breakfast and no alone time. No way could we ever have nuclear family time on a family trip like that. I think that's why most people find them exhausting...

Omg seriously? I will go insane!

It's 5 days... I think you're being unreasonable. We all have to take one for the team and do things outside our comfort zones. DH gave you the trip you wanted.
Can't you just suck it up and tolerate being an active participant for your DH and kids, for 5 days? It's not that big of a deal.

No, I think you're being unreasonable. Who takes a 5-day long vacation and expects everyone to be together every minute? That's not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same sorts of issues and I don't think you can get a break when you're with inlaws. I just suck it up and show up for every breakfast and no alone time. No way could we ever have nuclear family time on a family trip like that. I think that's why most people find them exhausting...

Omg seriously? I will go insane!

It's 5 days... I think you're being unreasonable. We all have to take one for the team and do things outside our comfort zones. DH gave you the trip you wanted.
Can't you just suck it up and tolerate being an active participant for your DH and kids, for 5 days? It's not that big of a deal.

No, I think you're being unreasonable. Who takes a 5-day long vacation and expects everyone to be together every minute? That's not normal.

NP. Inlaws do this all the time. Especially if they're paying I think you're expected to do all activities together and go out to eat together.

[Anonymous]

If you’re going to be a whiny B just stay home. Nobody wants to be around a negative Nancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re going to be a whiny B just stay home. Nobody wants to be around a negative Nancy.

Plus, most inlaws don't care about their DIL. Just want the son and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

OP, you get to have alone time. You should - it will make you better company. And it’s your vacation, too.

You can’t control how they feel about it. So let go of that. They may be fine with it. They may be put off. That’s not on you.

I think it’s reasonable for your DH to establish with his parents that you are an introvert and really need alone time to recharge. So you like your coffe in the AM alone, or you like to take a walk alone, or you’re really lucky king forward to your reading time alone, or all of the above. He should lay the groundwork, and then you keep up the identity.

We have done this successfully with my DH among my very, very social e rendezvous family, who love to share houses and do everything together. Everyone just knows that Pete likes his alone time, needs his alone time. He shows up for big dinners and occasional big outings, but no one bats an eye now when he leaves a party to take a walk for an hour or goes upstairs to read while we are all gabbing in a communal kitchen. They accept what they see as quirk and don’t take it personally. Joint vacations are hard for him but would be torture without time to himself. I’m cool with that. That’s who I married.

Can your DH back you up this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re going to be a whiny B just stay home. Nobody wants to be around a negative Nancy.

Not trying to be whiny! Please don’t take this the wrong way. I love my ILs but they are a lot lol I also need space to recharge, so to speak. It wouldn’t be any different if it were my own parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same sorts of issues and I don't think you can get a break when you're with inlaws. I just suck it up and show up for every breakfast and no alone time. No way could we ever have nuclear family time on a family trip like that. I think that's why most people find them exhausting...

Omg seriously? I will go insane!

It's 5 days... I think you're being unreasonable. We all have to take one for the team and do things outside our comfort zones. DH gave you the trip you wanted.
Can't you just suck it up and tolerate being an active participant for your DH and kids, for 5 days? It's not that big of a deal.

No, I think you're being unreasonable. Who takes a 5-day long vacation and expects everyone to be together every minute? That's not normal.

Staying in the same house for 5 days, I think the whole point is to spend time together.
OP sounds like a selfish baby.

[Anonymous]

This is easier said than done - but don't expect them to be any better than usual. It will be the same way it always is.

How old are your kids? For me, it has gotten easier as my kids get older.

If I didn't eat breakfast I would certainly feel fine with sending DH out with our kids and his parents.

As much as I sort of don't care what people think of me, I personally wouldn't plan to do anything alone as a nuclear family on this vacation - you're with them. I would invite them and if they don't want to come, go alone. At best I would try to get them to watch the kids while you and DH go out alone.

[Anonymous]

NP. I have to have thick skin and expect that when I take time for myself my inlaws get twitchy and start meddling, like there is something wrong with my marriage or that I hate them. It's just how it is. When I skipped lunch with them and DH took DC they were very concerned, sent emails about our marriage being in trouble, and kept asking what was wrong. What?

So, OP, you have every right to carve out time for yourself. You should, but be prepared for those actions to cause some ripples and be OK WITH IT!

[Anonymous]

Do you work? Just say you have to check emails for an hour or two each morning. Works like a charm for my in-laws. And yes, I think my in-laws appreciate time alone with their son so I’ll sometimes retire early to read or whatever. Another thing that always works is “DH and I could really use some time together without the kids - so you mind watching them while we go out for a drink/take a hike/go for a bike ride?” Most reasonable in-laws are happy to oblige and “help strengthen your marriage.”

[Anonymous]

Can grandparents watch the kids for a date night? You and dh leave.

[Anonymous]

Don't go and sulk around. If you can't be a pleasant participant then stay in your room. I'm sure your in laws would prefer that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you get to have alone time. You should - it will make you better company. And it’s your vacation, too.

You can’t control how they feel about it. So let go of that. They may be fine with it. They may be put off. That’s not on you.

I think it’s reasonable for your DH to establish with his parents that you are an introvert and really need alone time to recharge. So you like your coffe in the AM alone, or you like to take a walk alone, or you’re really lucky king forward to your reading time alone, or all of the above. He should lay the groundwork, and then you keep up the identity.

We have done this successfully with my DH among my very, very social e rendezvous family, who love to share houses and do everything together. Everyone just knows that Pete likes his alone time, needs his alone time. He shows up for big dinners and occasional big outings, but no one bats an eye now when he leaves a party to take a walk for an hour or goes upstairs to read while we are all gabbing in a communal kitchen. They accept what they see as quirk and don’t take it personally. Joint vacations are hard for him but would be torture without time to himself. I’m cool with that. That’s who I married.

Can your DH back you up this way?

This. You can absolutely skip breakfast, for one. And a break to read for an hour or take a walk or something should be fine. But your husband needs to run interference on this. And the trade-off, as it were, is that you need to be engaged and polite when you're with everyone. You get a break to relax and recharge, and you return ready to join in the group.