Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she pretty or good at sports? Those were the popular girls when I was growing up. Also the popular ones seemed to be a bit more wordly. Not mean, but a sharpness to them. Sometimes sarcastic or mocking. I guess that made them interesting to other girls.

Really? DP here. I am surprised that the mean girls were popular in your school. The mean girls were shunned in my rich high school (I wasn't rich), where the nicer you were, the more popular you were. It helped to be pretty, but it definitely hindered to be any kind of mean. I think being sharp, jabbing and not inclusive as being a lower class thing.

I am guessing that time and age have faded your memories of 6th through 9th grade...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she pretty or good at sports? Those were the popular girls when I was growing up. Also the popular ones seemed to be a bit more wordly. Not mean, but a sharpness to them. Sometimes sarcastic or mocking. I guess that made them interesting to other girls.

Really? DP here. I am surprised that the mean girls were popular in your school. The mean girls were shunned in my rich high school (I wasn't rich), where the nicer you were, the more popular you were. It helped to be pretty, but it definitely hindered to be any kind of mean. I think being sharp, jabbing and not inclusive as being a lower class thing.

I have literally never heard this point of view before, from anyone.

+1 "DP" never saw mean girls or was in a country club with kid cliques. OP asked for last resort help and the worldly girls thing is a thing. If the trend was to be nice and inclusive, OP wouldn't have an issue, would she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, you are me and my DD. And yes, things will absolutely get better.

Give her tangible goals like "Get good grades', "participate in the music competition" rather than intangible goals "be liked by your friends"

She is depressed because you are drawing attention to her being a failure in social interactions. She will feel happy when she starts achieving things on her own and will be able to feel proud of what she has achieved.

My kids are like that - nerdy, very brainy and somewhat of social misfits. My own social circle and family circle is big enough that they are included in things. They are taking their pleasure and joy from their achievements in scholastic activities and guess what? they have found their tribe in such activities.

Your kid is associating with terribly average kids. Her tribe is very much present but you have not yet found it. They tend to escape notice at first glance. Go to any Robotics competition, a TaekWondo dojo, Math competition, maker space, Geography bee, Chess camp...these kids are there. Go make friends with these kids. My children best friends are some equally nerdy kids from a different culture than ours, who are very supportive of them. They are all a little nerdy and a little quirky but they have both beautiful minds and beautiful souls.


Another tip. Please go beyond your race.

+1 very good advice. And remember that this is a very short span in a persons life. She will find her tribe.

+2 Find an activity that will put your daughter in a position to share experiences with kids who share her interests. An after school club or summer camp is a great start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, you are me and my DD. And yes, things will absolutely get better.

Give her tangible goals like "Get good grades', "participate in the music competition" rather than intangible goals "be liked by your friends"

She is depressed because you are drawing attention to her being a failure in social interactions. She will feel happy when she starts achieving things on her own and will be able to feel proud of what she has achieved.

My kids are like that - nerdy, very brainy and somewhat of social misfits. My own social circle and family circle is big enough that they are included in things. They are taking their pleasure and joy from their achievements in scholastic activities and guess what? they have found their tribe in such activities.

Your kid is associating with terribly average kids. Her tribe is very much present but you have not yet found it. They tend to escape notice at first glance. Go to any Robotics competition, a TaekWondo dojo, Math competition, maker space, Geography bee, Chess camp...these kids are there. Go make friends with these kids. My children best friends are some equally nerdy kids from a different culture than ours, who are very supportive of them. They are all a little nerdy and a little quirky but they have both beautiful minds and beautiful souls.

Another tip. Please go beyond your race.

I agree with all of this.

OP, if you can get her through middle school, she will eventually find her people through activities. Seek out the geeky ones, not the cool kid or jock activities.

I have posted this in boy threads. My oldest is a junior. In 6th grade his friend group turned on him (he was young for the grade and still played like a kid) and then in middle school he became introverted and shy, with hardly any friends. 9th grade, he did not have friends or do anything social, only his school activities (arts related). In 10th, he got some invites, and the older kids let him tag along to things. By the end of 10th though, some of those tagalongs developed into friendships through the activity. By 11th, his social calendar was packed, with multiple things going on each week, across several different friend groups: the 2 or 3 nerdy/outcast kids he was friendly with in 7th-9th (who also came into their own in high school), the older kids he used to just be a tagalong with, other kids his age and younger from his activities, even a few girlfriends. He is still amazed with how much his social and friend group has grown in just one year, and is very happy to have such a busy friend life. Almost all of these friends came through activities, except for that small core group of nerds from 8th and 9th. He doesn't even think about the cool kids anymore, and actually reconciled with some of the bullies.

Activities are key. Common interests and values breed strong friendships.

Just hang in there, and get her in some activities with the (usually VERY nice) geeky outsiders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP we know a girl like this. She talks non stop about everything that interests her but she never actually stops and listens to others or asks questions of others. She is intense and interesting but its exhausting and alienating.

Could your DD have a particular quirk like this which needs looking at?

That describes my son to a T. He has high functioning autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, you are me and my DD. And yes, things will absolutely get better.

Give her tangible goals like "Get good grades', "participate in the music competition" rather than intangible goals "be liked by your friends"

She is depressed because you are drawing attention to her being a failure in social interactions. She will feel happy when she starts achieving things on her own and will be able to feel proud of what she has achieved.

My kids are like that - nerdy, very brainy and somewhat of social misfits. My own social circle and family circle is big enough that they are included in things. They are taking their pleasure and joy from their achievements in scholastic activities and guess what? they have found their tribe in such activities.

Your kid is associating with terribly average kids. Her tribe is very much present but you have not yet found it. They tend to escape notice at first glance. Go to any Robotics competition, a TaekWondo dojo, Math competition, maker space, Geography bee, Chess camp...these kids are there. Go make friends with these kids. My children best friends are some equally nerdy kids from a different culture than ours, who are very supportive of them. They are all a little nerdy and a little quirky but they have both beautiful minds and beautiful souls.

Another tip. Please go beyond your race.

I agree with all of this.

OP, if you can get her through middle school, she will eventually find her people through activities. Seek out the geeky ones, not the cool kid or jock activities.

I have posted this in boy threads. My oldest is a junior. In 6th grade his friend group turned on him (he was young for the grade and still played like a kid) and then in middle school he became introverted and shy, with hardly any friends. 9th grade, he did not have friends or do anything social, only his school activities (arts related). In 10th, he got some invites, and the older kids let him tag along to things. By the end of 10th though, some of those tagalongs developed into friendships through the activity. By 11th, his social calendar was packed, with multiple things going on each week, across several different friend groups: the 2 or 3 nerdy/outcast kids he was friendly with in 7th-9th (who also came into their own in high school), the older kids he used to just be a tagalong with, other kids his age and younger from his activities, even a few girlfriends. He is still amazed with how much his social and friend group has grown in just one year, and is very happy to have such a busy friend life. Almost all of these friends came through activities, except for that small core group of nerds from 8th and 9th. He doesn't even think about the cool kids anymore, and actually reconciled with some of the bullies.

Activities are key. Common interests and values breed strong friendships.

Just hang in there, and get her in some activities with the (usually VERY nice) geeky outsiders.

Oh...one more thing.

Definitely help her to dress like the other kids in a non flashy, blending type way. Make sure she is groomed with current hair.

Just like animals, middle school kids prey on and reject kids who don't look like the rest of the flock. She doesn't need to be a sheeple, but blending inconspicuously in middle school is a good thing. Don't let her be the girl equivalent of the 6th grade boy still wearing a minecraft shirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she pretty or good at sports? Those were the popular girls when I was growing up. Also the popular ones seemed to be a bit more wordly. Not mean, but a sharpness to them. Sometimes sarcastic or mocking. I guess that made them interesting to other girls.

Really? DP here. I am surprised that the mean girls were popular in your school. The mean girls were shunned in my rich high school (I wasn't rich), where the nicer you were, the more popular you were. It helped to be pretty, but it definitely hindered to be any kind of mean. I think being sharp, jabbing and not inclusive as being a lower class thing.

I have literally never heard this point of view before, from anyone.

+1 "DP" never saw mean girls or was in a country club with kid cliques. OP asked for last resort help and the worldly girls thing is a thing. If the trend was to be nice and inclusive, OP wouldn't have an issue, would she?

Probably that poster was in the cool girl clique, and didn't notice or doesn't remember how the other kids felt around them.

[Anonymous]

Teams, but also activities with multiple ages of girls/women. Horseback riding, ceramics studio, animal shelter volunteering, habitat for humanity, yoga...


Middle school is the worst but I also think sometimes nerdy girls (in the best way) connect better with older and/or younger women.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her teachers and be open to what they say. They see her for hours a day and get a good sense of the dynamics between the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find an activity that she is good at and let her excel in it. I know people like your daughter. One practices her music about 3-4 hours a day. Her parents organize a solo concert for her every year. For her 11th birthday she recorded a CD snd gave a copy to each of her classmates.
Have you thought of something similar?

That’s pretty weird.

+1.

[Anonymous]

You should watch the movie 8th grade.

Long story short, middle school sucks. Most girls are luckily to have 3 friends.

Girls without friends are trying to hang out with girls with whom they are not socially compatible but they are unwilling to hang out with certain girls because they think they are boring or weird.

[Anonymous]

I would stop worrying about getting random groups of girls to like your daughter. Instead, work on getting her around kids who share her interests - that's where she'll find her friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, instead of spending $$$ on other girls, invest time and energy into developing your daughter’s self esteem. Find a hobby to master - she’ll be respected and valued because of her skills in that crowd. Make a few good friends - turn to the unpopular kids and talk to them. Middle school is generally tough socially, all the sweet girls suddenly turn into mean bitches, but they emerge back in time for high school. Just hang in there.

[Anonymous]

If she does weird things you might have to directly say dd, that's weird, stop doing it, or other kids might think that's weird so don't do it around them.

My dd had friend issues for awhile. Eventually I realized she is being very blunt with her friends and they didn't like the directness. Now she has an also blunt bestie but a group of less blunt friends in the mix too.

My DS is weird and likes weird things for his age. Luckily he found one other kid like him. He's my biggest worry if we move. Other kids like him and are nice to him but can't connect.

I find it helpful to remember that they are under 18 for way less time than over 18.

[Anonymous]

You need to be her friend and do things with her. Set up trips, go out to eat, work out together, go to movies. All girls really need is one true friend of their own. That's what she should focus on. Not trying to engage groups but find somebody like her and if that person is trustworthy then she is set. Most girls have not even one friend that they can trust with being vulnerable with.