Reply to Grandparents, please stop undermining your kids' authority as parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. It’s not just the carrying around. It’s letting her eat wherever she wants to, when we try to enforce having her sit at the table. Apparently she’s been having more trouble staying at the table at daycare to eat than she used to, making it that much more important to stay consistent at home.

They also let her watch videos on their phones for much longer than we let her do, which inevitably leads to tantrums when we don’t let her have unlimited access to videos. 
[/quote]

New poster here.

What have you said to the grandparents about all this? If I missed an earlier post by you about how you have tried to handle this with them, sorry. Have you (it should be you if it's your own parents, your DH if it's his parents, sounds like it's only yours?) sat down with them -- when your child is not around and nowhere nearby -- and had a kind but firm talk about this?

I agree with you that since you see your own child's behaviors far more than they do, you see that changes to those behaviors twice each month do actually have an effect on DD; it seems that the eating at daycare is being affected by the mixed signals at home regarding how she eats.

But do they know that? Can you tell them that without making it come off as blame and finger-pointing and causing a rift where you don't need to cause one?

I'd wait until just before the next meal together, then take the grandparents both aside, tell them you have a serious request for them, and say, "Last time you were here, we told DD to stay put for her meal but you told her in front of me that it was OK for her to eat, get up and come back to eat more. When we have lunch just now, I'm asking you not to do that. If she looks to you to let her get down, please say that she needs to stay put like mom says. The reason here is something you couldn't have known -- she used to do well eating at daycare, and recently started popping up and down during daycare mealtimes. That is a problem or daycare and for me, and we need to be very con wesistent at home so she learns to stay at the table and learns that she can't come back and keep eating. Can you please do that for me on this visit? She may act unhappy or even pout or fuss but this is important to me and to her when you're not around."

If your relationship is more casual, just boil it down to, "Hey, I feel you don't have my back here on something

Same type of talk could be applied to the carrying but I actually agree with PPs that her being carried to the playground two weekends a month shouldn't be a big deal. If grandpa and grandma pick her up and haul her all over the house and everywhere else and it causes tantrums, yeah, tell them that they don't see the fusses later, after they leave you, that happen when she expects to be carried by you and spouse and you say no.

Do be aware that the amount of time they're there won't spoil her forever. Do pick a battle from among the several issues you mention -- one battle, not all these little skirmishes. Do be clear with them and direct; if you tell them clearly "I'm going to tell her that she can't get up from the table and I'm asking you to reinforce that by saying please stay in the seat and eat with grandma and grandpa" etc. -- and they still say the opposite -- then it's time for a more serious talk to tell them that you say X and they say Y right in front of you, and that is making you stress about their visits.

You're very fortunate they see as much of her as they do and that they are in good enough health to visit so frequently. You're also lucky that they don't live right in your town and drop over unannounced or bug you to let them take your child for the weekend or whatever. Focus on those positives whenever you can.

And do they mostly hang out with DD when they visit, or do they do things with her like go to museums (lots of great little-kid activities even for toddlers in the DC area) or toddler-and-me classes (they could be the ones to take her to toddler music class every other Saturday or whatever while you do the Saturdays they're not visiting....). I'd start working to set up more activities that wear her out and get them interacting with her other than by showing her videos on the phone. But you have to start that ball rolling yourself. [/quote]

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