If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of the happily marrieds have arguments where the other spouse has just been cruel? I sort of feel like we’ve had several of these over the course of the last decade, and each has done permanent and cumulative damage. There is just no going back to how things were early on. Desire to divorce ebbs and flows. We get along well enough and worry about divorce with kids. After another recent day of behavior that I think crossed the line of civility, I’m back to strategizing about life without him. He seems to have gotten it out of his system and wants to apologize and move on. I suppose counseling is in order, but I honestly think I may be at the point of not even wanting it. Anyway, most strong marriages I see do not appear to involve such nastiness, even on rare occasions or even once...

We have. DH and I have had every bad experience- lack of money, unemployment, a child with a severe health condition, horrible meddling in-laws. We have taken our frustrations out on each other. But somehow our marriage persevered.

Was “intimacy” the key to getting through that? I don’t know. Intimacy could mean any number of things. I only know that DH and I stuck through it and love each other. But the bad times were BAD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Faith in God.

Really? And how has God helped with her DH's drug habit? I assume his habit is of God's making? Or, wait, do only women have to have faith and suffer till husbands sow their oats?

She asked what helps you make it work, and I gave her my answer. Feel free to dig a little past the surface.

Yes, the question was toother people about what made it work for them. This answer was responsive to the question.

Did you get triggered or something??

Secularists are the most triggered people you'll ever meet. They don't want you to mention God EVER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of the happily marrieds have arguments where the other spouse has just been cruel? I sort of feel like we’ve had several of these over the course of the last decade, and each has done permanent and cumulative damage. There is just no going back to how things were early on. Desire to divorce ebbs and flows. We get along well enough and worry about divorce with kids. After another recent day of behavior that I think crossed the line of civility, I’m back to strategizing about life without him. He seems to have gotten it out of his system and wants to apologize and move on. I suppose counseling is in order, but I honestly think I may be at the point of not even wanting it. Anyway, most strong marriages I see do not appear to involve such nastiness, even on rare occasions or even once...

We have. DH and I have had every bad experience- lack of money, unemployment, a child with a severe health condition, horrible meddling in-laws. We have taken our frustrations out on each other. But somehow our marriage persevered.

Was “intimacy” the key to getting through that? I don’t know. Intimacy could mean any number of things. I only know that DH and I stuck through it and love each other. But the bad times were BAD.

Thanks. This provides a little hope. I still don’t think there can ever be a full recovery or a true reestablishing of trust, but hopefully we can make it work at least for the time the kids are young-ish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What works for us it to sweep a lot under the rug, never to be seen again.

Basically this. If I want harmony, I can’t comment on his bullshit. It sucks.

you are not alone.i live on eggshells for the sake.of my child.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a loser. That’s the problem. Loser and a quitter and he doesn’t even know what he wants. Move on and it’s not your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What works for us it to sweep a lot under the rug, never to be seen again.

Basically this. If I want harmony, I can’t comment on his bullshit. It sucks.

you are not alone.i live on eggshells for the sake.of my child.

Count me in too.

I never understood staying together for the sake of the kids...until I decided to stay for the sake of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of the happily marrieds have arguments where the other spouse has just been cruel? I sort of feel like we’ve had several of these over the course of the last decade, and each has done permanent and cumulative damage. There is just no going back to how things were early on. Desire to divorce ebbs and flows. We get along well enough and worry about divorce with kids. After another recent day of behavior that I think crossed the line of civility, I’m back to strategizing about life without him. He seems to have gotten it out of his system and wants to apologize and move on. I suppose counseling is in order, but I honestly think I may be at the point of not even wanting it. Anyway, most strong marriages I see do not appear to involve such nastiness, even on rare occasions or even once...

We have. DH and I have had every bad experience- lack of money, unemployment, a child with a severe health condition, horrible meddling in-laws. We have taken our frustrations out on each other. But somehow our marriage persevered.

Was “intimacy” the key to getting through that? I don’t know. Intimacy could mean any number of things. I only know that DH and I stuck through it and love each other. But the bad times were BAD.

Thanks. This provides a little hope. I still don’t think there can ever be a full recovery or a true reestablishing of trust, but hopefully we can make it work at least for the time the kids are young-ish.

Your original post states “most strong marriages I see do not appear to involve such nastiness.” The operative word here is “appear.” You have no idea what goes on in another person’s marriage. No one is openly nasty to their spouse in public. I can tell you that DH and I have been horrible to each other. You really just have to let it go. What happened in the past is not going to disappear unless you let it. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that happily married people don’t have anything to be resentful about. They do. I see people on this site say that they have never yelled or cursed at their spouse and a lot of the time I think they are full of bullshit. Being married is frustrating. Over the course of years and years you are definitely going to have major disagreements and fights. Some people may just be a lot more mellow and never yell, but so what. You are married, you have kids, you need to find a way to make it work for you. I don’t think anyone should get divorced because they “fight.” You get divorced over cheating or addiction or abuse. Has DH Become intolerable to spend time with because of his invective? Or do you both need to grow up and work through it? Only you can answer. If you don’t want the marriage, own that.

[Anonymous]

Happily together 33 years, with one SN child. What works for us:

I married someone I like a lot. We have the same general background -- married parents, middle class upbringing, college -- as well as the same career field. Same politics, and now the same religion as well (he joined mine). We don't have a huge HHI. It's around 120-150K depending on the year. Both of us work, but at times I've been the major breadwinner, and other times, he has.

We don't necessarily like all the same things -- I love football, he loves folk music -- but we definitely hate a lot of the same things -- Trump, rap music, golf and myriad other random things.

In the decades of marriage, we've only even cursed at each other twice I can think of. We are each other's biggest fans and will defend our spouse publicly. We never speak ill of each other in a public setting.

We try to be low-drama. We try to have as much fun as possible even without a lot of money or time and a SN kiddo to care for.

I want good things for my husband. He's a good person. I try to think, how would I treat one of my best friends?

[Anonymous]

I'm 66 and I run a non-profit. Today I had lunch with a very wealthy potential donor who is a few years younger than me. She has all the money in the world but she was very open that she is unhappy in her marriage. FWIW - for some reason people are very open with me. I've been married for 40 years and I told her that from the beginning my DH and I had been great friends even before we fell in love and that that friendship has sustained us through everything that's happened over the 40 years. There have been many things we haven't agreed on, some of them life changing, but the value of our friendship seems to have always smoothed out the bumps in the road. That we still love each other also helps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of the happily marrieds have arguments where the other spouse has just been cruel? I sort of feel like we’ve had several of these over the course of the last decade, and each has done permanent and cumulative damage. There is just no going back to how things were early on. Desire to divorce ebbs and flows. We get along well enough and worry about divorce with kids. After another recent day of behavior that I think crossed the line of civility, I’m back to strategizing about life without him. He seems to have gotten it out of his system and wants to apologize and move on. I suppose counseling is in order, but I honestly think I may be at the point of not even wanting it. Anyway, most strong marriages I see do not appear to involve such nastiness, even on rare occasions or even once...

No real answers for you, PP, but my marriage is like this too. There have been so many times that DH has said horrible things to me, and I to him, that I think there is something that is just lost. TBH, it truly did start with his emotional abuse, but I've now gotten my own strategies for dealing, which can be namecalling and yelling. It is sad.

[Anonymous]

The man needs to earn, the woman needs to do most of the chores, and she needs to be willing to have sex with him on a regular basis.

OP, you mentioned nothing at all about even having a sex life. I suspect you put it on the back burner and your husband has been looking for and possibly getting strange at these music festivals.

Sometimes the clue is not in what is said, but in what is left out. You didn't mention sex at all. It's unimportant to you or you would have at least mentioned it or the lack of it. I'll bet it's still very to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was his family situation growing up? Influences a lot! In my experience (obviously there are exceptions!) men from stable families with parents married 30+ years have an easier time with lifelong commitment.

Agreed.

This is OP and I have to say this seems to be the big takeaway. I guess we need to be encouraging our daughters to place extremely high priority on this for their own lives and choices. I just thought he was the example of wanting to be the opposite of his parents and he was for about 10-12 years but now he's completely reverted to the lifestyle he witnessed growing up. This is heartbreaking for me of course but I am now terrified of what this divorce will do to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The man needs to earn, the woman needs to do most of the chores, and she needs to be willing to have sex with him on a regular basis.

OP, you mentioned nothing at all about even having a sex life. I suspect you put it on the back burner and your husband has been looking for and possibly getting strange at these music festivals.

Sometimes the clue is not in what is said, but in what is left out. You didn't mention sex at all. It's unimportant to you or you would have at least mentioned it or the lack of it. I'll bet it's still very to your husband.

Sorry your just incorrect here. Our sex life was always from when we met at 21 until now at 37 very good and regular. To address others, we are also both above average intelligence I'd say and money has only become an issue the last few years when my income went up significantly and that doesn't mean any money problems we are pretty well off, he says he just feels emasculated. He actually seems surprised he feels this way but he says in honesty he does.

Drug use and hiding it (secret keeping just in the last year) seems to be the biggest challenge and the fact that he just doesn't feel fulfilled by our life of raising kids and working. He says he feels like life is pointless. He doesn't get anything out of watching out children succeed and thrive it seems. I also think he is spoiled a bit and will soon realize just what can of life I have been affording him and regret this. I just feel like if he would just come back to earth and get sober and some counseling for us and him we could work through this. Why throw your life away?

[Anonymous]

Lower the stress
Lower the col
Have more sex

[Anonymous]

Honestly, we have little financial stress. Don’t have to stress about money, taking care of aging parents, kid’s tuition, or retirement.

We can afford to do a lot of fun stuff like vacations.