If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.

[Anonymous]

I am divorcing after 15 years two young kids, my DH left and basically just doesn't want this life anymore. Thinks its emasculating that I make more money, and just doesn't have interest anymore he says is day to day life in suburbia. He has taken up a daily marijuana habit and is now dabbling in LSD and going to music festivals (he's 37). He is college educated former military, worked for the same company the last roughly 10 years doing a skilled labor job he has always liked. I feel like we were happy and I have no idea who he is right now. This unraveled over the course of about 6 months so I do feel like I'm in shock but it does seem he is not looking back.

I guess i'm trying to see where we went wrong and I want to learn what a truly happy marriage is and how to hope to have it someday.

Yes, I'm in therapy. He is not willing to go.

Thanks for sharing what works for you.

[Anonymous]

Is this all new or was he a pot smoking, city dweller before you had kids?

[Anonymous]

He sounds immature, unkind, and ungrateful and I'm guessing when you work it out in therapy, it will become clear he always had those character traits (even when grading him on a curve for age, since it seems like you got together when young).
Character counts. Hard eyeroll to the dimwit who thinks it's emasculating for a woman to bring more income to a household, yet it's not unmanly to walk out on a family and go be a kid again.

[Anonymous]

What was his family situation growing up? Influences a lot! In my experience (obviously there are exceptions!) men from stable families with parents married 30+ years have an easier time with lifelong commitment.

[Anonymous]

I think you know what it takes but for some reason he fell off the track.

[Anonymous]

Rehab. AA. Converting to Catholicism. Taking on super traditional gender roles.
We are a suburban couple with four happy kids, piano lessons, a three car garage, a golden retriever, and a 401k. We spent yesterday baking Christmas cookies. You would seriously never know how rocky things were at the beginning of our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Teens divorcing after 20 years of marriage...we had a good life and DH has blown it up with his mid-life crisis that raised its ugly head about six months ago. He doesn’t want to be tied to a schedule according to him....things like being home for the kids is apparently no longer something he wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rehab. AA. Converting to Catholicism. Taking on super traditional gender roles.
We are a suburban couple with four happy kids, piano lessons, a three car garage, a golden retriever, and a 401k. We spent yesterday baking Christmas cookies. You would seriously never know how rocky things were at the beginning of our marriage.

The last couple I knew like this got divorced when he announced he was gay, so be careful when you stereotype.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorcing after 15 years two young kids, my DH left and basically just doesn't want this life anymore. Thinks its emasculating that I make more money, and just doesn't have interest anymore he says is day to day life in suburbia. He has taken up a daily marijuana habit and is now dabbling in LSD and going to music festivals (he's 37). He is college educated former military, worked for the same company the last roughly 10 years doing a skilled labor job he has always liked. I feel like we were happy and I have no idea who he is right now. This unraveled over the course of about 6 months so I do feel like I'm in shock but it does seem he is not looking back.

I guess i'm trying to see where we went wrong and I want to learn what a truly happy marriage is and how to hope to have it someday.

Yes, I'm in therapy. He is not willing to go.

Thanks for sharing what works for you.

Sounds like he was 22 when you guys married? Unfortunately I see that a lot. People realize they “missed out” on their youth and try to recapture it. This is not about you OP, but about him. To answer your question though, I have been married for 26 years and we have two children. My husband is very kind and we have mutual respect for each other. He doesn’t make that much money (as far as DCUM standards) but has always been an equal partner with the kids and the house.

[Anonymous]

Things statistically associated with a long marriage: college education, both parties over 26 yrs of age, small age difference between the partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rehab. AA. Converting to Catholicism. Taking on super traditional gender roles.
We are a suburban couple with four happy kids, piano lessons, a three car garage, a golden retriever, and a 401k. We spent yesterday baking Christmas cookies. You would seriously never know how rocky things were at the beginning of our marriage.

The last couple I knew like this got divorced when he announced he was gay, so be careful when you stereotype.

The last couple that you knew that overcame heavy drug use? Or the last couple you knew that had four kids? Or the last couple you knew that had a golden retriever and lived in the suburbs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teens divorcing after 20 years of marriage...we had a good life and DH has blown it up with his mid-life crisis that raised its ugly head about six months ago. He doesn’t want to be tied to a schedule according to him....things like being home for the kids is apparently no longer something he wants to do.

This is OP, your situation sounds like mine. I just feel utter confusion. I also think I'm supposed to be more mad at him but I feel more of the emotion of confusion and sadness honestly.

For the poster on the family life he grew up with, I do think this is a part of our situation. His family was extremely dysfunctional and I thought he was the example of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps but now I feel like even after so many years on a different path, when it got too hard it was just easy to fall back to their type of lifestyle with all responsibility removed than to keep pushing through the not so fun part.

I guess the moral of that story is really its about who you choose from the beginning not how well you do during. I'm not perfect, I nag, I yell sometimes and can be bossy but I never thought we had problems that would mean he would just dump me and the life we built.

It's so depressing. I would also not quit, even now if he'd just go to counseling with me and work on it. I feel pathetic.

[Anonymous]

What works for us it to sweep a lot under the rug, never to be seen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What works for us it to sweep a lot under the rug, never to be seen again.

Basically this. If I want harmony, I can’t comment on his bullshit. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teens divorcing after 20 years of marriage...we had a good life and DH has blown it up with his mid-life crisis that raised its ugly head about six months ago. He doesn’t want to be tied to a schedule according to him....things like being home for the kids is apparently no longer something he wants to do.

This is OP, your situation sounds like mine. I just feel utter confusion. I also think I'm supposed to be more mad at him but I feel more of the emotion of confusion and sadness honestly.

For the poster on the family life he grew up with, I do think this is a part of our situation. His family was extremely dysfunctional and I thought he was the example of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps but now I feel like even after so many years on a different path, when it got too hard it was just easy to fall back to their type of lifestyle with all responsibility removed than to keep pushing through the not so fun part.

I guess the moral of that story is really its about who you choose from the beginning not how well you do during. I'm not perfect, I nag, I yell sometimes and can be bossy but I never thought we had problems that would mean he would just dump me and the life we built.

It's so depressing. I would also not quit, even now if he'd just go to counseling with me and work on it. I feel pathetic.

I do think mid-thirties are when you have to try very hard not to turn into your parents