Reply to If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.

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Reply to "If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Have any of the happily marrieds have arguments where the other spouse has just been cruel? I sort of feel like we’ve had several of these over the course of the last decade, and each has done permanent and cumulative damage. There is just no going back to how things were early on. Desire to divorce ebbs and flows. We get along well enough and worry about divorce with kids. After another recent day of behavior that I think crossed the line of civility, I’m back to strategizing about life without him. He seems to have gotten it out of his system and wants to apologize and move on. I suppose counseling is in order, but I honestly think I may be at the point of not even wanting it. Anyway, most strong marriages I see do not appear to involve such nastiness, even on rare occasions or even once... [/quote]

We have.  DH and I have had every bad experience- lack of money, unemployment, a child with a severe health condition, horrible meddling in-laws.  We have taken our frustrations out on each other.  But somehow our marriage persevered.

Was “intimacy” the key to getting through that?  I don’t know.  Intimacy could mean any number of things.  I only know that DH and I stuck through it and love each other.  But the bad times were BAD.[/quote]

Thanks. This provides a little hope. I still don’t think there can ever be a full recovery or a true reestablishing of trust, but hopefully we can make it work at least for the time the kids are young-ish. [/quote]

Your original post states “most strong marriages I see do not appear to involve such nastiness.”  The operative word here is “appear.”  You have no idea what goes on in another person’s marriage.  No one is openly nasty to their spouse in public.  I can tell you that DH and I have been horrible to each other.  You really just have to let it go.  What happened in the past is not going to disappear unless you let it.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that happily married people don’t have anything to be resentful about.  They do.  I see people on this site say that they have never yelled or cursed at their spouse and a lot of the time I think they are full of bullshit.  Being married is frustrating.  Over the course of years and years you are definitely going to have major disagreements and fights.  Some people may just be a lot more mellow and never yell, but so what.  You are married, you have kids, you need to find a way to make it work for you.  I don’t think anyone should get divorced because they “fight.”  You get divorced over cheating or addiction or abuse.  Has DH Become intolerable to spend time with because of his invective?  Or do you both need to grow up and work through it?  Only you can answer.  If you don’t want the marriage, own that.[/quote]

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