When siblings differ on elderly care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

Expecting sibling E to spend their weekends cleaning the house instead of hiring someone is about control, not love. Sibling A is out of line.

This. And sibling E, being in the medical profession, probably is aware of just how far south dementia can take a person. As well meaning as the rest of the group may be they have not seen how bad it can get.

Much depends on what is being termed "dementia" and whether or not grandma can still make rational decisions for herself - even if we don't always agree with what she is deciding.

Why are these family members doing all of this hard physical labor around her house when she can afford to hire it done? They aren't spending quality time with grandma if they are outside mowing the lawn are they? Don't be cheap - hire that done!

OP here. The elderly person cannot make decisions for herself. She cannot cook or clean (too frail).

I posted to see HOW to agree on care for her. I'm not sure how to get Siblings A-E on the same page. Sibling A keeps saying they're doing this for their deceased father and as an act of love to their mother.

Of course sibling A is going to say that! What else is she going to say: "Let's keep our eyes on the prize, people! Grab a rake, now!"

[Anonymous]

FWIW I am in a similar position and I decided to step back and let pushy sibling take over. My mental and physical health was being affected and realized parent in better health would agree. I suspect the whole thing falls apart within a year and then maybe my ideas will be revisited. Sometimes stepping back is the better decision for all. I felt guilty for a week and now am fine. When a parent is so old and is already receiving care the minutia to fight over just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to hiring household help/lawn service, etc.

However, I am strongly opposed to (any kind of) nursing home if there are financial resources to support staying in the home. I have watched three great grandparents die in very expensive "assisted living" facilities, and while the facilities were the best money could buy, and we did visit regularly, each elderly person seemed to suffer a marked decline upon leaving the home. In each case, it was heartbreaking to take the elderly person from their home and move them in to the facility. They didn't complain, but it was clearly traumatic, and I understand this.

My surviving parent will go into a home over my dead body. I will do anything possible to keep him in his home when the time comes.

It's not like that all the time. My Mom moved to a retirement community, and while it was a very tough initial adjustment for her, she has really adapted well. I think the key for her was to downsize and move while she is still independent and mentally sharp. She stays busy with her friends, activities and visits from family. My dad had dementia and we had no choice but to put him into a dementia unit at a nursing home. That was very, very tough but it was the absolute right decision for him because he needed a level of care that our family simply could not provide for him at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I am in a similar position and I decided to step back and let pushy sibling take over. My mental and physical health was being affected and realized parent in better health would agree. I suspect the whole thing falls apart within a year and then maybe my ideas will be revisited. Sometimes stepping back is the better decision for all. I felt guilty for a week and now am fine. When a parent is so old and is already receiving care the minutia to fight over just not worth it.

I'm lucky that my siblings aren't pushy people and are pretty easy to "work" with and we all genuinely love our parents and want what is good for THEM. I would not want to deal with a difficult personality like you have to. You are right to safeguard your own health first and foremost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I am in a similar position and I decided to step back and let pushy sibling take over. My mental and physical health was being affected and realized parent in better health would agree. I suspect the whole thing falls apart within a year and then maybe my ideas will be revisited. Sometimes stepping back is the better decision for all. I felt guilty for a week and now am fine. When a parent is so old and is already receiving care the minutia to fight over just not worth it.

Honestly, taking a step back seems like the most reasonable approach here. Even though E thinks the mom would get better medical care in a facility, you don't point to inadequacies with the current set up. Also, and I mean this in the nicest possible way - she is 90 years old with dementia. Based on my experience with my grandmother's dementia - she's not coming back from that, regardless of whether she's in a facility or has assistance at home. It's not like some illness that she'll recover from and the quality of care can make a significant difference in the outcome/recovery. If everyone else is insistent that she stay in the home, E may have better traction if E pushes for around the clock care, so that if something does happen, someone is around to respond quickly.

In the meantime, E doesn't have to spend E's time and energy doing chores around the house or babysitting the mother over the weekend. Those are totally optional tasks that E can legitimately opt out of. If the other siblings perceive of it as a lack of equal contribution, I recommend that E remind them that, given that the mother has the money to fund it, it's totally optional for them to be doing that work themselves. If everyone refuses to go along with A's plan, I'm sure A will re-evaluate whether A can do it all themselves or if it suddenly becomes worth it to pay someone. A is getting away with their stance because they have free labor pitching in.

[Anonymous]

Sibling E, being medical probably understands this 90 year old needs a medical facility to accommodate her needs.
Sibling A, greedily counting on the inheritance, wants the family to do the chores.

[Anonymous]

You can't let a dementia person live at home without 24/7 supervision. My neighbour had the same arrangement so had people taking turns staying all day. Well guess what, Mom fell down the basement stairs during the night and cracked her skull. You need to pay for somebody to be there around the clock if you want to continue this arrangement.

You are looking at a minimum of 200K to provide around the clock dementia care at home. At one point you're just looking after an empty shell. My neighbour forgot she had been married for 50 years and that her kids were her kids. I don't see the point myself and would go to a home and would have told my kids ahead of time to put me in one. I wouldn't want to put this burden on kids but it seems like plenty of people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.

How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!

Really? There are siblings A-E. E is the fifth letter of the alphabet. So . . .

I'm the pp. Are you the op? If not, your comment is unnecessary and mean.

because it is her thread.

Hey, you asked how many siblings there are, and said you were confused. Merely trying to further clarify that which was stunningly obvious in the first place.

But, I'm curious - why would this comment not have been "unnecessary and mean" if OP wrote it?

[Anonymous]

Bean-counting sibling A must add a night nurse shift for 24/7 professional coverage. Then call cleaning and lawn services. Stat.

[Anonymous]

We had a similar situation in my family. One sibling wanted to honor the mother’s wishes that she remained in her home. The other sibling thought she needed to be in a nursing home. Both had the best if intensions and thought that they were doing what was best for their mother. Within a few months, the mother caught her robe on fire making tea on the stove and died. She would not have done that in a facility. But, that was not something that could have been predicted. However, because if this experience, I will advocate for my parents going into a facility earlier than I would have before. It’s hard to know when someone has crossed the line into being unsafe before it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't let a dementia person live at home without 24/7 supervision. My neighbour had the same arrangement so had people taking turns staying all day. Well guess what, Mom fell down the basement stairs during the night and cracked her skull. You need to pay for somebody to be there around the clock if you want to continue this arrangement.

You are looking at a minimum of 200K to provide around the clock dementia care at home. At one point you're just looking after an empty shell. My neighbour forgot she had been married for 50 years and that her kids were her kids. I don't see the point myself and would go to a home and would have told my kids ahead of time to put me in one. I wouldn't want to put this burden on kids but it seems like plenty of people do.

This is sad. People who haven't dealt with dementia before have no clue how true dementia interferes with the patient's sleep patterns. They end up cat napping and wandering all day and night. Their sleep is not restorative like it is in a healthy person.

Dementia patients suffer from hallucinations, delusions and mood disorders. It is exhausting and overwhelming to deal with this in a home setting because there are so many things that can pose a danger to a dementia patient.

My heart goes out to Op's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't let a dementia person live at home without 24/7 supervision. My neighbour had the same arrangement so had people taking turns staying all day. Well guess what, Mom fell down the basement stairs during the night and cracked her skull. You need to pay for somebody to be there around the clock if you want to continue this arrangement.

You are looking at a minimum of 200K to provide around the clock dementia care at home. At one point you're just looking after an empty shell. My neighbour forgot she had been married for 50 years and that her kids were her kids. I don't see the point myself and would go to a home and would have told my kids ahead of time to put me in one. I wouldn't want to put this burden on kids but it seems like plenty of people do.

Dementia doesn't come suddenly. People have plenty of time to make decisions about their care.

This is sad. People who haven't dealt with dementia before have no clue how true dementia interferes with the patient's sleep patterns. They end up cat napping and wandering all day and night. Their sleep is not restorative like it is in a healthy person.

Dementia patients suffer from hallucinations, delusions and mood disorders. It is exhausting and overwhelming to deal with this in a home setting because there are so many things that can pose a danger to a dementia patient.

My heart goes out to Op's family.

[Anonymous]

I think that given A is in charge and mom has plenty of assets for care, E should just do what they want (ie visit and not do chores) and otherwise stay out of it and ignore siblings.

The situation is likely going to devolve sooner rather than later but A is in charge and will have to deal with it.

It would be better for E not to keep pressing his/her point because A will just become more defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

Expecting sibling E to spend their weekends cleaning the house instead of hiring someone is about control, not love. Sibling A is out of line.

This. And sibling E, being in the medical profession, probably is aware of just how far south dementia can take a person. As well meaning as the rest of the group may be they have not seen how bad it can get.

Much depends on what is being termed "dementia" and whether or not grandma can still make rational decisions for herself - even if we don't always agree with what she is deciding.

Why are these family members doing all of this hard physical labor around her house when she can afford to hire it done? They aren't spending quality time with grandma if they are outside mowing the lawn are they? Don't be cheap - hire that done!

OP here. The elderly person cannot make decisions for herself. She cannot cook or clean (too frail).

I posted to see HOW to agree on care for her. I'm not sure how to get Siblings A-E on the same page. Sibling A keeps saying they're doing this for their deceased father and as an act of love to their mother.

Of course sibling A is going to say that! What else is she going to say: "Let's keep our eyes on the prize, people! Grab a rake, now!"

[Anonymous]

Who is the health care proxy? POA is financial. Is sibling A also the HCP? If so, A is going to be making all the decisions.