When siblings differ on elderly care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, I didn’t even clean my own house when I had the financial resources to hire someone! Of course I would help my mom clean if she didn’t have the funds but there’s no way in hell I would spend precious time cleaning my millionaire mothers house. I also wouldn’t do yard work, because again, that’s something I hired out when I had the resources.

The resistance against getting help is insanity and borderline negligence. Especially resistance to hiring a caretaker for longer hours. I would not facilitate this at all.

I would also talk to the mothers doctors about the situation. Maybe if the doctor could formally recommend more help that would help force the POA siblings hand. Then it becomes a matter of going against medical advice.

It’s one thing if the parent can’t afford it, but to withhold care from someone who has the financial means to pay for it is criminal.

This, especially when (i) mother isn't competent to make decisions, and (ii) the POA holding sibling has effectively decided that all siblings must perform household tasks at Mom's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her doctor involved. Make it clear that your mom has resources and you’re worried she’s not getting adequate care.

If the doctor recommendeds round the clock care it’ll be really hard for POA sibling to deny her that. In my opinion this is the most important of the issues. Dementia can get really bad really fast...

Sibling E should continue to refuse to clean and do yard work because it’s ridiculous. If sibling A wants to be a martyr that’s on them. I don’t participate or facilitate crazy.

Good advice. Follow sibling E's lead on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her doctor involved. Make it clear that your mom has resources and you’re worried she’s not getting adequate care.

If the doctor recommendeds round the clock care it’ll be really hard for POA sibling to deny her that. In my opinion this is the most important of the issues. Dementia can get really bad really fast...

Sibling E should continue to refuse to clean and do yard work because it’s ridiculous. If sibling A wants to be a martyr that’s on them. I don’t participate or facilitate crazy.

Good advice. Follow sibling E's lead on this.

+1 I agree with getting a doctor involved to recommend what's in mom's best interest. Dementia can mean a lot of safety risks for her and while staying at home can be nice, it's not always the safest option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.

How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!

Really? There are siblings A-E. E is the fifth letter of the alphabet. So . . .

I'm the pp. Are you the op? If not, your comment is unnecessary and mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.

How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!

Really? There are siblings A-E. E is the fifth letter of the alphabet. So . . .

I'm the pp. Are you the op? If not, your comment is unnecessary and mean.

Hey, you asked how many siblings there are, and said you were confused. Merely trying to further clarify that which was stunningly obvious in the first place.

But, I'm curious - why would this comment not have been "unnecessary and mean" if OP wrote it?

[Anonymous]

Sibling E does not have to do anything they don't want to. A record however is kept of working hours. Working hours has a monetary impact on eventual inheritance. An hourly rate has to be agreed upon and a differential rate for visiting vs providing care. Once agreed, ideally in writing, everyone agrees to do their best and stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E does not have to do anything they don't want to. A record however is kept of working hours. Working hours has a monetary impact on eventual inheritance. An hourly rate has to be agreed upon and a differential rate for visiting vs providing care. Once agreed, ideally in writing, everyone agrees to do their best and stop complaining.

Who is keeping this record? I thought that nobody cared about the inheritance money. Sound like maybe somebody cares more than they are letting on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E does not have to do anything they don't want to. A record however is kept of working hours. Working hours has a monetary impact on eventual inheritance. An hourly rate has to be agreed upon and a differential rate for visiting vs providing care. Once agreed, ideally in writing, everyone agrees to do their best and stop complaining.

Who is keeping this record? I thought that nobody cared about the inheritance money. Sound like maybe somebody cares more than they are letting on?

OP here. I have no idea what that's referring to but not one is keeping tabs that closely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E does not have to do anything they don't want to. A record however is kept of working hours. Working hours has a monetary impact on eventual inheritance. An hourly rate has to be agreed upon and a differential rate for visiting vs providing care. Once agreed, ideally in writing, everyone agrees to do their best and stop complaining.

Who is keeping this record? I thought that nobody cared about the inheritance money. Sound like maybe somebody cares more than they are letting on?

OP here. I have no idea what that's referring to but not one is keeping tabs that closely.

So you are not the one who wrote "Working hours has a monetary impact on eventual inheritance"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E does not have to do anything they don't want to. A record however is kept of working hours. Working hours has a monetary impact on eventual inheritance. An hourly rate has to be agreed upon and a differential rate for visiting vs providing care. Once agreed, ideally in writing, everyone agrees to do their best and stop complaining.

Who is keeping this record? I thought that nobody cared about the inheritance money. Sound like maybe somebody cares more than they are letting on?

OP here. I have no idea what that's referring to but not one is keeping tabs that closely.

So you are not the one who wrote "Working hours has a monetary impact on eventual inheritance"?

OP here. No. I identify my posts.

[Anonymous]

Yes to hiring household help/lawn service, etc.

However, I am strongly opposed to (any kind of) nursing home if there are financial resources to support staying in the home. I have watched three great grandparents die in very expensive "assisted living" facilities, and while the facilities were the best money could buy, and we did visit regularly, each elderly person seemed to suffer a marked decline upon leaving the home. In each case, it was heartbreaking to take the elderly person from their home and move them in to the facility. They didn't complain, but it was clearly traumatic, and I understand this.

My surviving parent will go into a home over my dead body. I will do anything possible to keep him in his home when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

I don't believe this for a second.

x100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her doctor involved. Make it clear that your mom has resources and you’re worried she’s not getting adequate care.

If the doctor recommendeds round the clock care it’ll be really hard for POA sibling to deny her that. In my opinion this is the most important of the issues. Dementia can get really bad really fast...

Sibling E should continue to refuse to clean and do yard work because it’s ridiculous. If sibling A wants to be a martyr that’s on them. I don’t participate or facilitate crazy.

Good advice. Follow sibling E's lead on this.

+1 I agree with getting a doctor involved to recommend what's in mom's best interest. Dementia can mean a lot of safety risks for her and while staying at home can be nice, it's not always the safest option.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

I don't believe this for a second.

OP here. Sibling A (the cheapest) is the wealthiest actually. Paying for a cleaning person or yard crew really isn't going to change their inheritance that much.

Does this matter?

It seems like everyone wants to control each other and count each other's pennies, neither of which is in your mother's best interests. Your mom could afford the best care, clean and competent, and you guys can't agree on who should be raking leaves? I trust the jewelry box has already been raided, without her knowledge. Your mom should donate every penny and be done with all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent has more than enough financial resources to pay for round-the-clock care and for help with household tasks. That should all be hired out with the siblings sharing oversight responsibilities (someone does need to make sure that the housecleaners are showing up as scheduled, landscaping company is doing everything they charge for, that parent is being cared for properly). This will allow the siblings to spend more of their time on positive engagement with the parent, and will help prevent caregiver burnout among them.

Sibling A apparently has power of attorney, and wants to exercise control over this situation. It his/her responsibility.

Did sibling A get POA legitimately? Or are there questions as to how this came about?