When siblings differ on elderly care

[Anonymous]

Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.

A 90 yo with dementia has more that $5 million in assets, and one of their adult children won't hire someone to clean the house, do yardwork, or provide more in-home care? That's ridiculous. Person A does not have a point, she's money grubbing to preserve his or her inheritance. I wouldn't spend my retirement cleaning my millionaire mother's house either.

[Anonymous]

OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

[Anonymous]

Are the other siblings in denial about the dementia? That happened among my stepdad’s siblings and it was really, really hard. Is there any third party like one of the parent’s doctors who could give advice to the group?

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand trying to make the siblings clean the house when the parent has the financial resources to hire someone.

Aging in place vs a nursing home is an understandable discussion to have to have, but the cleaning/yard work fight is nonsensical and controlling. Hire more help, and allow her to stay in place as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

Expecting sibling E to spend their weekends cleaning the house instead of hiring someone is about control, not love. Sibling A is out of line.

[Anonymous]

I agree strongly - there is a debate to be had about aging in place vs aging in a nursing home.

But there should be no debate about cleaning and yard work. Sibling A is way out of line in not spending some money on basic care at home.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No one is in denial about the elderly parent's condition. In fact, because it's so bad they know she won't have a "fun nursing home experience" like some do and I think that would make A-D feel guilty.

Also, the elderly parent kicks out cleaners and won't let them in her home and prefers her kids to clean/do yard work. That part is nonsensical.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a vote, sibling A decides. Let sibling E off the hook on doing unnecessary (because it could be outsourced) work on the house. The others can continue if they want. If they choose to stop than A will likely have to hire the help, but it’s each persons decision. I hope you guys realize how lucky you are, considering. Often it’s little $, and one sibling doing it all while the other/s are out of town or otherwise absent.

[Anonymous]

Parent has more than enough financial resources to pay for round-the-clock care and for help with household tasks. That should all be hired out with the siblings sharing oversight responsibilities (someone does need to make sure that the housecleaners are showing up as scheduled, landscaping company is doing everything they charge for, that parent is being cared for properly). This will allow the siblings to spend more of their time on positive engagement with the parent, and will help prevent caregiver burnout among them.

[Anonymous]

E has a valid point, A has the control, they should negotiate.
Outsourcing is nice but comes with its headaches too, and doing all this work for the next 5 years is just going to wear everyone out and cause a rift.

[Anonymous]

DH is sibling E in this scenario except we live 500 miles away. Hire cleaning and lawn services. And get a night nurse. Let mom stay at home as long as she can and wants. Visit with your mom instead of dusting and vacuuming. What good is the $5M doing the 90 yr old mom? Make peace with your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

Whether it's avarice, or control, or whatever, it is flat out ridiculous to require adults at or close to retirement age to clean and do yardwork when there are more than ample resources to hire someone. As another PP said, aging in place is a legitimate discussion; household chores are not. Sibling E is right - her visits (and really, the visits of all the siblings) should be about visiting, not work. If the mother is so far gone that she really is insisting that her retirement aged children clean her house, that to me is more evidence that she should be in a home, regardless of whether she'll have a "fun experience."

[Anonymous]

These “kids” are probably in their 60’s, and are reliving childhood squabbles. If I were E, I’d be incredibly frustrated with these expectations.

Just curious op, but are you A, B or E in this scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent has more than enough financial resources to pay for round-the-clock care and for help with household tasks. That should all be hired out with the siblings sharing oversight responsibilities (someone does need to make sure that the housecleaners are showing up as scheduled, landscaping company is doing everything they charge for, that parent is being cared for properly). This will allow the siblings to spend more of their time on positive engagement with the parent, and will help prevent caregiver burnout among them.

Sibling A apparently has power of attorney, and wants to exercise control over this situation. It his/her responsibility.