When siblings differ on elderly care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

I don't believe this for a second.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Is there any way to get POA and the checkbook shared between siblings? Sibling A isn't the oldest if that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Is there any way to get POA and the checkbook shared between siblings? Sibling A isn't the oldest if that matters.

I don't know if it's possible or not, but it's a terrible idea. You would be legally formalizing this conflict.

The relative ages of the retirement aged-siblings is completely irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

I don't believe this for a second.

OP here. Sibling A (the cheapest) is the wealthiest actually. Paying for a cleaning person or yard crew really isn't going to change their inheritance that much.

[Anonymous]

Sibling E pays for his/her share of the work and then can use his/her time with parent as a social call.

All should think about a night time caregiver now and have it in place. Find a local senior day out place that is cheaper to help pay for the night time caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.

I don't believe this for a second.

OP here. Sibling A (the cheapest) is the wealthiest actually. Paying for a cleaning person or yard crew really isn't going to change their inheritance that much.

"Being wealthy" and "being a cheapskate" go together more often than not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E pays for his/her share of the work and then can use his/her time with parent as a social call.

All should think about a night time caregiver now and have it in place. Find a local senior day out place that is cheaper to help pay for the night time caregiver.

Wait - you think a child should pay for his mother's cleaning and yardwork when the mother has $5 million in assets?

OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E pays for his/her share of the work and then can use his/her time with parent as a social call.

All should think about a night time caregiver now and have it in place. Find a local senior day out place that is cheaper to help pay for the night time caregiver.

OP here. E isn't interested at all in paying for care either. The parent has plenty of money (possibly more than E).

No senior daycare would take an elderly person with dementia, they're more for active elderly persons.

A 30 year old grandchild moved in briefly who would have provided nighttime help, but the grandparent kicked them out because they believed they were trying to mooch and live at their house for free. (Not true, the grandchild did it on behalf of the siblings and was helpful).

[Anonymous]

I kinda get not wanting someone in to clean the house. I had concerns with my dad about having someone we didn't know in the house. I lived a few hours away and couldn't really supervise. I used to visit him once a month and was able to handle it myself for the most part though. How much cleaning is really needed? Would it work to have a sibling present when someone came in and cleaned?

The yard work is nutty though. You don't need a bunch of retirees mowing the mother's lawn. That is just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E pays for his/her share of the work and then can use his/her time with parent as a social call.

All should think about a night time caregiver now and have it in place. Find a local senior day out place that is cheaper to help pay for the night time caregiver.

OP here. E isn't interested at all in paying for care either. The parent has plenty of money (possibly more than E).

No senior daycare would take an elderly person with dementia, they're more for active elderly persons.

A 30 year old grandchild moved in briefly who would have provided nighttime help, but the grandparent kicked them out because they believed they were trying to mooch and live at their house for free. (Not true, the grandchild did it on behalf of the siblings and was helpful).

You're in a rough spot, as it sounds like the mother is in a decline and not willing to recognize that she needs help. To me, kicking out the grandchild is problematic and puts more credence on the idea that the need for a nursing home is coming up sooner rather than later. I assume these stubborness is not a new trait?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E pays for his/her share of the work and then can use his/her time with parent as a social call.

All should think about a night time caregiver now and have it in place. Find a local senior day out place that is cheaper to help pay for the night time caregiver.

Wait - you think a child should pay for his mother's cleaning and yardwork when the mother has $5 million in assets?

OK.

If the rest of the siblings are dividing up he work and E doesn5 want to do the work, yes- he should pay for the work that is his share if he wants only social visits. The OP said that money wa not an issue for anyone. I would do it for my parent. Don’t be a bean counter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E pays for his/her share of the work and then can use his/her time with parent as a social call.

All should think about a night time caregiver now and have it in place. Find a local senior day out place that is cheaper to help pay for the night time caregiver.

Wait - you think a child should pay for his mother's cleaning and yardwork when the mother has $5 million in assets?

OK.

If the rest of the siblings are dividing up he work and E doesn5 want to do the work, yes- he should pay for the work that is his share if he wants only social visits. The OP said that money wa not an issue for anyone. I would do it for my parent. Don’t be a bean counter.

Are you in your 60's with four siblings? Most retirees don't want to be doing their own cleaning and yard work, let alone for someone else. I did it for my dad when he needed it, but I was alot younger than these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sibling E pays for his/her share of the work and then can use his/her time with parent as a social call.

All should think about a night time caregiver now and have it in place. Find a local senior day out place that is cheaper to help pay for the night time caregiver.

Wait - you think a child should pay for his mother's cleaning and yardwork when the mother has $5 million in assets?

OK.

If the rest of the siblings are dividing up he work and E doesn5 want to do the work, yes- he should pay for the work that is his share if he wants only social visits. The OP said that money wa not an issue for anyone. I would do it for my parent. Don’t be a bean counter.

Are you in your 60's with four siblings? Most retirees don't want to be doing their own cleaning and yard work, let alone for someone else. I did it for my dad when he needed it, but I was alot younger than these people.

I know most people in 5eir 60s do not want to be doing the grunt work, which is why I suggested that Sibling E not do the grunt work. I have been through the deaths of my parents and my DHs parents. DH has three siblings- so that is near enough. I have one. What works is people not quibbling over the small stuff and doing and giving things out of love and not keeping track of who should be spending what on what or who should not be spending. Let it go and concentrate on love. Everyone was in their 50s when their parents died.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why continue to fight. E should ignore what A-D say and A-D can continue doing what they are doing. Everyone is too old to change their ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.

How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!