How to make sure DH and I are not a burden on our children someday when we are elderly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you save a fortune for retirement, be willing to spend it on nurses and other help. Don't try to make yourself out to be a saint making sure your kid gets an inheritance when you are putting your own lives at risk. Just spend and take care of your needs and don't be a martyr.

Yes, money for retirement is for retirement. It is to take care of you for as long as you might live. Don’t give away a lot of your money to the younger generation before you die- you might need it for medical and other care as you age.

Being able to pay for your own care as you age is a much better gift to give your children. Some people like the feeling of being generous and giving money so they can see their children make use of it while they are still alive, but it is not a true gift if there is not enough to pay for your care when you are elderly. It is better for them to have what is left over when your medical and end of life needs have been met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just lost my mom—she was never a burden. She had little money, but lots of loving family and friends. I wouldn’t ask her to change a thing.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

save your $$$$$$$...

[Anonymous]

I actually think the financial piece is the least important.
What I observe with my in laws- who have PLENTY of money- it's about being an emotional, logistical burden.
Having the money for the best care in the world, but refusing to implement it.
Expecting your children to drop their lives for your every whim.
Asking your children to do things that should be handled by medical professionals.
Not willing to be resourceful- like asking your children to take you to xyz place, when you could very easily figure it out otherwise (community shuttle, uber, aide)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the financial piece is the least important.
What I observe with my in laws- who have PLENTY of money- it's about being an emotional, logistical burden.
Having the money for the best care in the world, but refusing to implement it.
Expecting your children to drop their lives for your every whim.
Asking your children to do things that should be handled by medical professionals.
Not willing to be resourceful- like asking your children to take you to xyz place, when you could very easily figure it out otherwise (community shuttle, uber, aide)

OK this sounds like my parents, BUT I disagree with your first sentence. As much as it has been hell trying to get mmy parents to face reality and spend, we are enormously fortunate, we don't have to dig into our retirement and our kid's college fund to support them. We have friends who divorced and the final straw was they never talked about the fact the wife expected to follow family tradition and have mom live with them and be supported by them. The husband was already livid over how much money the wife had been sending mom every month to support her in retirement. We know quite a few people who ended up in marital therapy dealing with the financial burden of their older generation. What happens if you have a medical emergency of your own. You could go bankrupt if you were busy paying for your parent's issues and then you have an issue of your own.

Money is huge. Facing reality is huge. Being willing to spend it on proper care is huge. Without money though it can truly be a disaster unless the elderly person a ray of sunshine who brings light and love to the home rather than grumbling, criticism, endless accusations, complaining and outbursts.

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their 70's and doing very well with no need from us.

Here's a question - At what age do people start going really downhill? I am dreading the downhill stage, as it seems like so many adult children are miserable taking care of their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money. Money, money, money. Save it. All of it.

Pick an early age to give up your house and move to a retirement community that "steps up care." Like age 55. But, you can't guarantee one of you won't have a heart attack or debilitating stroke or develop a degenerative disease by then, so maybe you should move now.

Write iron-clad end-of-life agreements that say to pull the plug in almost every circumstance, and give the power to make that decision to someone other than your children.

Have no attachment to any "thing." Not your home, not art, not pictures, knickknacks, or keepsakes. Throw out as much as possible, and make it clear the kids can throw the rest away as soon as you have to move to the "independent living" area of the retirement community.

In other words, you want to GUARANTEE you won't be a burden to your kids? Then you have to be able to become disabled tomorrow and leave no loos end untied.

Or, you could just try having an open conversation with your children as you get older about being loving and caring to one another, and model that same behavior with your own parents. As someone else said, a lot of the bad feeling comes from being overworked and overwhelmed to begin with, and then there's no way to plan for every eventuality when your parents decline. And it could be YEARS of the unknown. Conversations now, where you absolve them of guilt now for not being perfect caregivers later, is probably the best thing you can do.

55?!?!?! Are they going to allow our high schoolers to live with us in the retirement community?

I know I was wondering about that, too. Can't I at least wait until my youngest has graduated HS before I put myself in a continuing care retirement community?

Hell, I'm still taking beach vacations, bar hopping, going to concerts....I guess I didn't get the memo that I needed to be in assisted living just, yet.

[Anonymous]

Don't give all of your money away to church and then expect your kids to take care of you in your old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 70's and doing very well with no need from us.

Here's a question - At what age do people start going really downhill? I am dreading the downhill stage, as it seems like so many adult children are miserable taking care of their parents.

Really depends on luck, health, and genetics--my parents were doing fine in their 70s and then my dad was diagnosed with a rare cancer and things plummeted downhill rapidly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 70's and doing very well with no need from us.

Here's a question - At what age do people start going really downhill? I am dreading the downhill stage, as it seems like so many adult children are miserable taking care of their parents.

Really depends on luck, health, and genetics--my parents were doing fine in their 70s and then my dad was diagnosed with a rare cancer and things plummeted downhill rapidly.

Also, not be alarmist, but all it takes is a stroke or heart attack or bad fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 70's and doing very well with no need from us.

Here's a question - At what age do people start going really downhill? I am dreading the downhill stage, as it seems like so many adult children are miserable taking care of their parents.

80. All of my grandparents started to seem really "elderly" at 80, and 3/4 died before they were 90. I still have one who's 103 and in independent living, but she has been "old" for awhile.

80 is different from 85 is different from 88, but ime, it's the rare "normal" person who doesn't start to decline in his or her 80s. Those who have been lucky (no cancer, etc.), very active, very health-conscious, and such are probably exceptions, but for most of us normal folks who do a normal amount of eating, drinking, and loafing ... 80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 70's and doing very well with no need from us.

Here's a question - At what age do people start going really downhill? I am dreading the downhill stage, as it seems like so many adult children are miserable taking care of their parents.

Really depends on luck, health, and genetics--my parents were doing fine in their 70s and then my dad was diagnosed with a rare cancer and things plummeted downhill rapidly.

Also, not be alarmist, but all it takes is a stroke or heart attack or bad fall.

This could happen at any age, though. I don't think you should be expected to live the last 10, 20 or 30+ years of your life in a nursing home because you are afraid that you might have a health problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 70's and doing very well with no need from us.

Here's a question - At what age do people start going really downhill? I am dreading the downhill stage, as it seems like so many adult children are miserable taking care of their parents.

Really depends on luck, health, and genetics--my parents were doing fine in their 70s and then my dad was diagnosed with a rare cancer and things plummeted downhill rapidly.

Also, not be alarmist, but all it takes is a stroke or heart attack or bad fall.

This could happen at any age, though. I don't think you should be expected to live the last 10, 20 or 30+ years of your life in a nursing home because you are afraid that you might have a health problem.

The difference though, at old age you lose ability to recover. Once you turned the corner, there is no turning back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your children or spouse say it is time to stop driving, stop. Even if you think you are okay.

This really is HUGE. One of my physicians was in terrible car accident with an 80-something year old and a friend of mine's child was hit by an 80-something. Both cases it was the fault of the driver who should have never been behind the wheel.

Self-driving cars are going to be a game-changer for the elderly. Being unable to drive really robs people of their independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The consequences you draw are quite tenuous. Cancer as a result of taking care of aged parents? Seriously? I think it's really because so many people are already unhealthy and overweight and don't exercise. Don't blame it on eldercare.

Don't underestimate the power of stress. This is admittedly anecdotal, but every single person I know who received a cancer diagnosis did so within months of a traumatic event—serious illness or death of a parent, child or spouse, job loss, or natural disaster.