How to make sure DH and I are not a burden on our children someday when we are elderly?

[Anonymous]

Money. Lots of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents (well, my dad) is horrible at this. His parents were awful at this too. They refuse to discuss it in their family and just leave a mess for others.

My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, did this right. Here is everything she did:

1. Made sure she had an income stream--social security and rental income (she pays someone to manager her rental)--after she retired.
2. Moved to a senior living community while she and grandfather were still healthy. When he became ill, they had a care plan, funds, etc. in place.
3. Has terrific health insurance and savings plus insurance for long term care, if it comes to that.
4. Has already done things like purchased the plot next to where grandpa is buried, etc. and set aside all money for the funeral, etc.
5. Only has a small 1BR apartment of stuff, can easily be moved out in a day. Has given away most valuables to her kids.

NP. But I don't want to do this. I want to enjoy my retirement, and enjoy the stuff I've bought that I love. And I want pets.

There has to be something in between maintaining a 3500sf home that you barely use and never clean out, and moving to a lovely, small apartment so that no one has to do much when you inevitably decline and die.

This thread has made me reevaluate what it means to me to "not be a burden to my children." We have family obligations now, and they will have them as adults. This is how communities function. The complete self-sufficiency model just makes me sad.

To those who just think...suck it up, this is how community and life works...

Think of it this way. Do you care about the health and well being of your adult children? I have watched how countless relatives and friends have gone from decent health to life threatening illness with the added stress of parents who refused to deal with reality and plan. Do you want your kid to end up in a cancer battle after your death because you were ornery and difficult and just had to have things your way every day. Do you want them to become morbidly from using food to deal with the stress of YOUR choices. Stuff is just that stuff. Relationships are the true treasures. You don't need to hoard your stuff and just expect people to take over when it's time because that's how community works. It is cruel and selfish. I don't think it's just nutrition and exercise that is causing my generation to not live as long as their parents. I think the older generation eats the younger, by outrageous expectations. Add to that people having kids later and you have a toxic sandwich.

If you want pets-that is fine, but make sure you have people they will go to just like you do with children. They are living creatures not just there to bring you joy. Don't assume your kids will take them, ask if they want them. Otherwise find a home in advance.

[Anonymous]

Just lost my mom—she was never a burden. She had little money, but lots of loving family and friends. I wouldn’t ask her to change a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

DP. This is very interesting, thank you. I have been wondering about it.

Medicare does not pay for long term care. (Aside from some short-term rehab.) Medicaid pays for long term care, and in order to get medicaid you have to be poor. So, say you have a million dollars in retirement savings when you are 70, and then you get Parkinsons or break your hip or get Alzhiemers and now you need to be in a nursing home. You are married and have a nice life. You must spend all your money on nursing home care, until you are poor, and then medicaid will pay for your nursing home. Your spouse will get to keep the house and some other assets, but basically, your spouse's quality of life will plummet. Long Term Care insurance prevents that. It also means that if you need some care, say an aid coming in twice a day to help you dress and bathe, but you don't want to go to a nursing home, you have that option. Neither medicaid nor medicare will pay for that kind of intensive, ongoing home-based care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents (well, my dad) is horrible at this. His parents were awful at this too. They refuse to discuss it in their family and just leave a mess for others.

My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, did this right. Here is everything she did:

1. Made sure she had an income stream--social security and rental income (she pays someone to manager her rental)--after she retired.
2. Moved to a senior living community while she and grandfather were still healthy. When he became ill, they had a care plan, funds, etc. in place.
3. Has terrific health insurance and savings plus insurance for long term care, if it comes to that.
4. Has already done things like purchased the plot next to where grandpa is buried, etc. and set aside all money for the funeral, etc.
5. Only has a small 1BR apartment of stuff, can easily be moved out in a day. Has given away most valuables to her kids.

NP. But I don't want to do this. I want to enjoy my retirement, and enjoy the stuff I've bought that I love. And I want pets.

There has to be something in between maintaining a 3500sf home that you barely use and never clean out, and moving to a lovely, small apartment so that no one has to do much when you inevitably decline and die.

This thread has made me reevaluate what it means to me to "not be a burden to my children." We have family obligations now, and they will have them as adults. This is how communities function. The complete self-sufficiency model just makes me sad.

You can. My mom did. We just let her live her life as we were living ours. And in the end, we dealt with things. Never would we have asked her to do something to make it easier on us when she died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

DP. This is very interesting, thank you. I have been wondering about it.

Medicare does not pay for long term care. (Aside from some short-term rehab.) Medicaid pays for long term care, and in order to get medicaid you have to be poor. So, say you have a million dollars in retirement savings when you are 70, and then you get Parkinsons or break your hip or get Alzhiemers and now you need to be in a nursing home. You are married and have a nice life. You must spend all your money on nursing home care, until you are poor, and then medicaid will pay for your nursing home. Your spouse will get to keep the house and some other assets, but basically, your spouse's quality of life will plummet. Long Term Care insurance prevents that. It also means that if you need some care, say an aid coming in twice a day to help you dress and bathe, but you don't want to go to a nursing home, you have that option. Neither medicaid nor medicare will pay for that kind of intensive, ongoing home-based care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents (well, my dad) is horrible at this. His parents were awful at this too. They refuse to discuss it in their family and just leave a mess for others.

My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, did this right. Here is everything she did:

1. Made sure she had an income stream--social security and rental income (she pays someone to manager her rental)--after she retired.
2. Moved to a senior living community while she and grandfather were still healthy. When he became ill, they had a care plan, funds, etc. in place.
3. Has terrific health insurance and savings plus insurance for long term care, if it comes to that.
4. Has already done things like purchased the plot next to where grandpa is buried, etc. and set aside all money for the funeral, etc.
5. Only has a small 1BR apartment of stuff, can easily be moved out in a day. Has given away most valuables to her kids.

NP. But I don't want to do this. I want to enjoy my retirement, and enjoy the stuff I've bought that I love. And I want pets.

There has to be something in between maintaining a 3500sf home that you barely use and never clean out, and moving to a lovely, small apartment so that no one has to do much when you inevitably decline and die.

This thread has made me reevaluate what it means to me to "not be a burden to my children." We have family obligations now, and they will have them as adults. This is how communities function. The complete self-sufficiency model just makes me sad.

To those who just think...suck it up, this is how community and life works...

Think of it this way. Do you care about the health and well being of your adult children? I have watched how countless relatives and friends have gone from decent health to life threatening illness with the added stress of parents who refused to deal with reality and plan. Do you want your kid to end up in a cancer battle after your death because you were ornery and difficult and just had to have things your way every day. Do you want them to become morbidly from using food to deal with the stress of YOUR choices. Stuff is just that stuff. Relationships are the true treasures. You don't need to hoard your stuff and just expect people to take over when it's time because that's how community works. It is cruel and selfish. I don't think it's just nutrition and exercise that is causing my generation to not live as long as their parents. I think the older generation eats the younger, by outrageous expectations. Add to that people having kids later and you have a toxic sandwich.

If you want pets-that is fine, but make sure you have people they will go to just like you do with children. They are living creatures not just there to bring you joy. Don't assume your kids will take them, ask if they want them. Otherwise find a home in advance.

The consequences you draw are quite tenuous. Cancer as a result of taking care of aged parents? Seriously? I think it's really because so many people are already unhealthy and overweight and don't exercise. Don't blame it on eldercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

DP. This is very interesting, thank you. I have been wondering about it.

Medicare does not pay for long term care. (Aside from some short-term rehab.) Medicaid pays for long term care, and in order to get medicaid you have to be poor. So, say you have a million dollars in retirement savings when you are 70, and then you get Parkinsons or break your hip or get Alzhiemers and now you need to be in a nursing home. You are married and have a nice life. You must spend all your money on nursing home care, until you are poor, and then medicaid will pay for your nursing home. Your spouse will get to keep the house and some other assets, but basically, your spouse's quality of life will plummet. Long Term Care insurance prevents that. It also means that if you need some care, say an aid coming in twice a day to help you dress and bathe, but you don't want to go to a nursing home, you have that option. Neither medicaid nor medicare will pay for that kind of intensive, ongoing home-based care.

PP, can you elaborate a bit more about LTC? My ILs met with a planner a few years back to discuss LTC, but came away with the impression that LTC is: 1) very expensive; 2) very restrictive (90+ day waits, daily maximum payouts that don't cover much); 3) not guaranteed to pay at all (as contrasted with life insurance).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

DP. This is very interesting, thank you. I have been wondering about it.

Medicare does not pay for long term care. (Aside from some short-term rehab.) Medicaid pays for long term care, and in order to get medicaid you have to be poor. So, say you have a million dollars in retirement savings when you are 70, and then you get Parkinsons or break your hip or get Alzhiemers and now you need to be in a nursing home. You are married and have a nice life. You must spend all your money on nursing home care, until you are poor, and then medicaid will pay for your nursing home. Your spouse will get to keep the house and some other assets, but basically, your spouse's quality of life will plummet. Long Term Care insurance prevents that. It also means that if you need some care, say an aid coming in twice a day to help you dress and bathe, but you don't want to go to a nursing home, you have that option. Neither medicaid nor medicare will pay for that kind of intensive, ongoing home-based care.

PP, can you elaborate a bit more about LTC? My ILs met with a planner a few years back to discuss LTC, but came away with the impression that LTC is: 1) very expensive; 2) very restrictive (90+ day waits, daily maximum payouts that don't cover much); 3) not guaranteed to pay at all (as contrasted with life insurance).

Related:
And when does it make sense to buy? When not to buy? For instance, if it is something I may want, do I need to get it before age 40? And forget about it if you're over 55 or have any sort of health condition?

[Anonymous]

If your children or spouse say it is time to stop driving, stop. Even if you think you are okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

DP. This is very interesting, thank you. I have been wondering about it.

Medicare does not pay for long term care. (Aside from some short-term rehab.) Medicaid pays for long term care, and in order to get medicaid you have to be poor. So, say you have a million dollars in retirement savings when you are 70, and then you get Parkinsons or break your hip or get Alzhiemers and now you need to be in a nursing home. You are married and have a nice life. You must spend all your money on nursing home care, until you are poor, and then medicaid will pay for your nursing home. Your spouse will get to keep the house and some other assets, but basically, your spouse's quality of life will plummet. Long Term Care insurance prevents that. It also means that if you need some care, say an aid coming in twice a day to help you dress and bathe, but you don't want to go to a nursing home, you have that option. Neither medicaid nor medicare will pay for that kind of intensive, ongoing home-based care.

PP, can you elaborate a bit more about LTC? My ILs met with a planner a few years back to discuss LTC, but came away with the impression that LTC is: 1) very expensive; 2) very restrictive (90+ day waits, daily maximum payouts that don't cover much); 3) not guaranteed to pay at all (as contrasted with life insurance).

Related:
And when does it make sense to buy? When not to buy? For instance, if it is something I may want, do I need to get it before age 40? And forget about it if you're over 55 or have any sort of health condition?

It is indeed very expensive. My financial advisor said if we want it (and she isn't a huge fan, because she said it is expensive and the chance we'll get a nasty disease is low) we should buy it when we stop paying for life insurance and kid's college. My parents bought it at 60. Think about it more like car or health insurance rather than life insurance. It is protection from a long term, wasting illness that means you need help every day for years upon years. It isn't much help for a disease that kills you within 90 days, no. It is for the disease you live with for 10 or 20 years. My parent's plan's daily max is about $220, which doesn't provide 24/7 care in home. When my dad needs that he'll need to move to a nursing home and that is within the daily max. While it has protected my dad all these years (good care, he can live well at home) it really has protected my mom, since her assets haven't been drained to pay for dad's care.

[Anonymous]

Try to keep up with the times as much as possible and be curious and try new experiences.
Keep your health problems to yourself unless its an appropriate discussion.
Buy a small home without steps!
Have enough money set aside to live on.
Make sure someone besides yourself knows where the records and important papers are located.
Don't lose your sense of humor!
Accept a caregiver when the time comes.
Wash your clothes even if you don't think they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your children or spouse say it is time to stop driving, stop. Even if you think you are okay.

This really is HUGE. One of my physicians was in terrible car accident with an 80-something year old and a friend of mine's child was hit by an 80-something. Both cases it was the fault of the driver who should have never been behind the wheel.

[Anonymous]

Also, if you save a fortune for retirement, be willing to spend it on nurses and other help. Don't try to make yourself out to be a saint making sure your kid gets an inheritance when you are putting your own lives at risk. Just spend and take care of your needs and don't be a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My MIL is the perfect example.

She has had Parkinson's for many years. She saw that she and her husband would need more help soon, so she moved from the exurbs to the Chinese quarter (not in this country) in a handicap-accessible apartment building. The Chinese quarter is a hotbed of potential housekeepers and elder caregivers who speak her language and cook her native food, and sure enough, she hired two to rotate for daytime care 6 days a week. Now, FIL has passed away (never having lifted a finger to plan any of this), and my MIL has aged in place, necessitating close medical supervision and more caregivers to fill in for the main two's schedule gaps and vacations. One of my BILs visits on Sundays, when she has no care, for company and to check she takes all her meds. She has a cast of grandchildren and other relatives who visit occasionally.

The secrets to this is that she planned well, both financially and to be closer to caregivers and doctors. And that she has always been a rational, courteous person, who is careful not to alienate anyone.

I hope to be able to plan this way myself.

Your MIL is wonderful!!!!!!! Can we trade?