How to make sure DH and I are not a burden on our children someday when we are elderly?

[Anonymous]

I see so many complaints here about adults having to take care of their elderly parents, and how awful it is, and how it seems to ruin the relationship.

How can our generation avoid this fate for our children? Is the key to avoid having to ask your kids for absolutely anything?

I love my kids and don't want to be a burden to them in the future. DH and I have been successful in our professions, and hope to not have to ask our kids to do anything for us (like even take us to doctors' appointments).

[Anonymous]

Make sure you can afford a place like leisure world.

[Anonymous]

I think the key is to make plans, be realistic, and make your plans and wishes known to your adult children, OP. Think about what you'd like your retirement to be like, but also think about the scenarios that aren't as pleasant - if you need more care for whatever reason, what kind of place would you like to receive that care? What are your end of life wishes? Who do you want to make decisions on your behalf if you can't make them yourself?

I'm 40 and I have one parent who basically disowned me 9 years ago and now I think is going to need some sort of help from me whether they want it or not. I won't get into details but there is some addiction and likely mental illness at play, and they have cut every single person out of their life...but now their health is failing and I'm getting calls from hospitals and care facilities where they've been a patient so I'm going to have to be involved in some way.

My other parent simply refuses to talk about the hard questions. I want to honor their wishes, but I don't know what they are. Please make it easy for your children to help you in the ways you'd like to be helped by TELLING THEM and being open to discussions about hard things.

[Anonymous]

Long-term care insurance is a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see so many complaints here about adults having to take care of their elderly parents, and how awful it is, and how it seems to ruin the relationship.

How can our generation avoid this fate for our children? Is the key to avoid having to ask your kids for absolutely anything?

I love my kids and don't want to be a burden to them in the future. DH and I have been successful in our professions, and hope to not have to ask our kids to do anything for us (like even take us to doctors' appointments).

Having money helps, but I think the key is having good health. So, start eating right, if you're not already, and being active/exercise will do wonder when you're old.

[Anonymous]

Money. If you have money, you can buy any services you need. Do you have enough op?

[Anonymous]

If don't want to be a burden, then don't be. Refusing help is easy. Or are you asking a different question, like how to get help without involving kids?

[Anonymous]

My goals at the moment are:

*to keep myself as healthy and mobile as I can
*be aware of what services are available both free & not free
*modify house as needed to prevent falls/reduce risks
*have savings to hire care/services as needed
*keep a healthy relationship going with my child

My greater concern is metal health. I always assumed I would be helping my aging parents. It is just was not what I pictured it to be. So I guess attempting to stay on top of my mental health, so as not to alienate or emotionally harm those caring for me in the future.

[Anonymous]

We have a good amount of money so we know that we will not be a financial burden. We have also agree that if needed we will move into a care facility if needed and not demand we stay in our home. We have also written end of life directives to avoid living beyond a certain point.

[Anonymous]

My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

[Anonymous]

Every relative and parent that needed help denied it until the very end. Every attempt to help was an argument. If your kids hire someone to stop by and buy groceries and check on you, let them in the house, is that too hard to ask? If you can’t remember what you are driving too, stop driving, is that too hard? I have had to help 2 parents, one mother in law and one mother in girlfriend law, and every single one denied that they needed help until the end, driving into driveway walls, getting lost, taking a bath and unable to get out, losing memory and not planning for the inevitable, leaving your daughter to take you to hospital after you fall and hurt yourself, and wake up in hospital not knowing why you are there and pull out all needles and leave out into snow with no coat

It is not money but attitude that was missing and made it so damn hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

Agree. Long term health care insurance was not worth it for my parent with long term illnesses. Took 90 days to kick in, and was limited per day, and by that time she went quick. Better to be in area with good care, like small town USA, dc area was the worst, transients that were not trustworthy. In a small town you know the people doing the care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

This information is really helpful; thanks for posting. Having seen my mom go through these issues with my grandparents, and now starting to go through them myself with my parents, it's hard to watch. My grandparents had plenty of money and that was huge (although still challenging). Someone above mentioned Leisure World: LW is cheap! Especially compared to true care facilities. We're prioritizing retirement so we can pay for whatever needs we have (unlike my dad, for example). Things like attending to health and mobility certainly help but are not a panacea.

[Anonymous]

My parents are older now, and one parent is in failing health with hospice care in place. So far my siblings and I are generally very, very grateful for the steps they've taken to make life easier and more pleasant for themselves and for us.

Steps they've taken:
1. Downsized and cleaned out their house, with most recent move to a small, elderly-friendly house in a retirement community.

2. Worked with a financial planner to get all documents and financial arrangements in order. Also we know where these documents are and who the planner is, and we have met the planner.

3. It is also a help that they have enough money and have saved prudently. But going through their own crap, organizing their financial affairs, and letting us know where that information can be found when needed were critical steps that in principle cost only effort.

[Anonymous]

OP - If your children, collectively, say that something NEEDS to happen, believe them. Give up the position of authority, that you know best. And do this without guilting them. And as pleasantly as possible.