Spouse hiding marijuana use

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm in VA. I'm trying to think through why it bothers me so much. Part of it is my vision of him going to some seedy supplier, getting caught, getting arrested, etc. We just made some big purchases, (house, car) so we've been trying to be more frugal, Then I think of him spending on pot. But, I'm trying to find a way to be open-minded. Work can be stressful for sure. Part of me thinks that this is an old college habit that most professional adults grow out of, but I'm sure I'm naive there.

My friend's first husband was in AA but smoked pot, which at the time made perfect sense to us (this was some decades ago). But the marriage wasn't great, and when they went to buy their first house, she discovered the down payment had vanished. She said then that she hated pot because it was so much easier to hide than drinking. She didn't stay married to him very long after she had to get an emergency loan from her mother for the house closing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is drinking so socially acceptable but not pot? Genuinely curious.

We've had the "marijuana is a drug/gateway drug/just say NO to drugs" campaigns drilled into our brains.

Exactly. Racism and Drug War Era messaging, that's it.

Heck, I remember a h.s. school assembly in the 70s where somebody talked to us about drugs, and he said the gateway drug was actually beer.

[Anonymous]

There was a thread a few months ago that was very similar and basically came down to those who think pot is okay vs those who don’t.
I smoke daily because of nerve pain from a brain injury. As a previous poster said, I could be popping oxycontin or taking one puff of marijuana at night before bed. I choose the latter. There are a lot of reasons why people choose to use and trying to understand will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood adults still smoking pot. For me it was something kids did as teenagers and now the majority of adults I see smoking it are basically losers that never grew up. Yes, I realize it’s not a dangerous drug or anything but somethings wrong if he has to smoke pot to feel better or feel a high. No different then if your husband had a drinking problem and had to hide his drinking from you.

Tell him to grow up.

Because there are many (medical, etc) benefits. If you don't see that, then you are stuck in the stone age.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm in VA. I'm trying to think through why it bothers me so much. Part of it is my vision of him going to some seedy supplier, getting caught, getting arrested, etc. We just made some big purchases, (house, car) so we've been trying to be more frugal, Then I think of him spending on pot. But, I'm trying to find a way to be open-minded. Work can be stressful for sure. Part of me thinks that this is an old college habit that most professional adults grow out of, but I'm sure I'm naive there.

I am in VA and I go to a dispensary in DC that for whatever reason never asked me for a medical card or an ID or anything, it’s a lovely store and the people there are super helpful; I buy $40 Vape cartridges (zero smell) that last me about four months, I take two puffs and sleep like a baby. I recently had surgery and instead of getting completely whacked out on opioids I took Tylenol and used my little vaporizer a few times during the day- I was actually a happy, pain-free functioning member of the family while I recovered from incredibly painful surgery.

Your husband is limiting his use to personal time of no consequence to his work, his family or his responsibilities; for whatever reason this helps him cope, sleep or relieve pain and I think you should not make a big deal of this. The flipside could be him taking heavy duty SSRI’s, Ambien, painkillers etc. that would leave him with serious deficits in his life, you really don’t need to worry about the police getting involved because personal use qualities are not prosecuted like they used to be.

If you want to you could have a talk about his possibly coming into contact with some bad characters, you could suggest he go to a dispensary where the risks are minimal but you have absolutely no right to tell him or insist that he stop. You might want to try it too, you’ll wake up feeling way better than you would after 2 glasses of Chardonnay. My wife will occasionally join me, she loves to fool around after a few puffs, sometimes we just watch community on Netflix and we fall asleep; either way we wake up feeling refreshed. Your husband is doing his best, we all need a little escape and I think that you should grant this to him in a supportive way.

[Anonymous]

I think for adults using in a legal manner is a fine.
I feel it’s a bad idea for teens and young adults.

Finding a way to communicate - to each other and with your kids - as suggested throughout is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood adults still smoking pot. For me it was something kids did as teenagers and now the majority of adults I see smoking it are basically losers that never grew up. Yes, I realize it’s not a dangerous drug or anything but somethings wrong if he has to smoke pot to feel better or feel a high. No different then if your husband had a drinking problem and had to hide his drinking from you.

Tell him to grow up.

Since we were children looking up at the sky and spinning till we were too dizzy to stand some of us have a need to get out of our head once in a while, I have friends that smoke, I smoke, I got my mother edibles when she had ovarian cancer, I own a business and work 60 hours a week, I have friends with similar workloads and none of us are even close to being losers. Now if I smoke pot first thing in the morning or didn’t go to appointments or let opportunities pass by because I was stoned I would be considered a loser with a bad problem, her husband sounds like he’s doing everything he needs to do but he just likes to get out of his head and relax after his day is done. If he’s meeting all of his other responsibilities he should be allowed to do whatever he wants.

[Anonymous]

another parent (of a young child) chiming to add - we have two parents holding down highly esteemed jobs, graduate degrees, mortgage, 401ks, savings, etc - and are regular users (a few times a week in the evenings). Personally, I have been a regular uses since I was a teenageer, through college, through graduate school etc.

just adding this to help break the stigma

PP are right to point out the hypocrisy in the pearl clutcher's reactions to pot, but acceptance for "mom juice" (ie the culture we have that praises alcohol) that is stemming from a racist war on drugs, and classification of pot as a schedule 1 drug (on par with heroin).

[Anonymous]

You realize someone opened a 2 year old thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize someone opened a 2 year old thread?

Ha! I blame all the pot smoking!

[Anonymous]

I have dated many guys who loved smoking pot.

It really changed the relationship dynamic.
Pot would make them happy, so much so that they were dull + boring when not high.

They would laugh at random things and when stressed, the first thing they wanted was to get stoned.
Basically it is a form of self-medicating.
For people who are not happy.
And want to escape the harsh realities of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm in VA. I'm trying to think through why it bothers me so much. Part of it is my vision of him going to some seedy supplier, getting caught, getting arrested, etc. We just made some big purchases, (house, car) so we've been trying to be more frugal, Then I think of him spending on pot. But, I'm trying to find a way to be open-minded. Work can be stressful for sure. Part of me thinks that this is an old college habit that most professional adults grow out of, but I'm sure I'm naive there.

I am in VA and I go to a dispensary in DC that for whatever reason never asked me for a medical card or an ID or anything, it’s a lovely store and the people there are super helpful; I buy $40 Vape cartridges (zero smell) that last me about four months, I take two puffs and sleep like a baby. I recently had surgery and instead of getting completely whacked out on opioids I took Tylenol and used my little vaporizer a few times during the day- I was actually a happy, pain-free functioning member of the family while I recovered from incredibly painful surgery.

Your husband is limiting his use to personal time of no consequence to his work, his family or his responsibilities; for whatever reason this helps him cope, sleep or relieve pain and I think you should not make a big deal of this. The flipside could be him taking heavy duty SSRI’s, Ambien, painkillers etc. that would leave him with serious deficits in his life, you really don’t need to worry about the police getting involved because personal use qualities are not prosecuted like they used to be.

If you want to you could have a talk about his possibly coming into contact with some bad characters, you could suggest he go to a dispensary where the risks are minimal but you have absolutely no right to tell him or insist that he stop. You might want to try it too, you’ll wake up feeling way better than you would after 2 glasses of Chardonnay. My wife will occasionally join me, she loves to fool around after a few puffs, sometimes we just watch community on Netflix and we fall asleep; either way we wake up feeling refreshed. Your husband is doing his best, we all need a little escape and I think that you should grant this to him in a supportive way.

Mind sharing the name or location of the dispensary you mention?

[Anonymous]

So ridiculous for people to talk so much about pot making you lazy or immature. If you have a problem with your spouse being immature then just say that. People who smoke can be immature and people who don’t smoke can also be immature. The problem is the immaturity, not the marijuana. If you didn’t even notice until you smelled it then there must not be some major problem in the first place. I can tell if my spouse is an asshole without having to catch them smoking pot.

[Anonymous]

I think your experience with your old boyfriend has clouded your experiences with pot. You say your DH hasn't had a personality change and obviously he is still productive at work.

I don't smoke pot, neither does my DH. From a medical professional's standpoint, I totally see the benefits of it. People will pop anti anxiety meds and pain meds but demonize pot. It makes no sense. I'm in favor of legalizing it for many reasons, but one of it is for a reason you mention. It eliminates the "seedy drug dealer" or chance of getting arrested.

I'm glad you were able to have a level headed discussion with your husband. I think your next step (along with wht you've planned) is do some online research about pot usage. It may help you to see other's positive experience with pot to combat the negative experience you had.

[Anonymous]

Yeah that would be a big deal for me too. I dated a heavy pot smoker in college (a dealer actually) and will never again put up with someone in any permanent state of inebriation, no more than I would put up with chronic alcoholism. And yes it does alter personality, and until you've been in the permanent stasis of dating a real pothead, it's easy to say it's "no big deal". It is a big deal. It is a big deal when you're interacting with someone and they're high as a kite.
I personally dont like being around people high on weed- I think it makes them incredibly boring and dull. Sounds like youre on the same page OP. I would be very annoyed with it and just repeatedly convey to him how mch it bothers you. If he persists in lying to you that's real sign of disrespect