Spouse hiding marijuana use

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of folks demonizing pot - lack of education and gross over reaction.

Your DH is hiding it b/c he knows how you feel about it and you are being unreasonable. It helps him, apparently. He's doing it for a number of reasons - maybe to take the edge off, deal with medical issues, etc. I'd focus on those issues rather than him toking up at times.

Don't get all bent out of shape over the pot smoking. Occasional is fine. There is no data to support otherwise.

I agree.

I hid my pot use from DH for a while, because he disapproves. I finally told him that I could take prescription pain killers or I can smoke a little weed, but I couldn’t handle the pain that came from complications after surgery without some kind of pain relief. My doctor gave me a 2 week supply of opioids, then another 2 week’s supply, then another. I was worried about being on them for 6 weeks and possible addiction issues. Plus, they left me nauseated, and my anti nausea medication made me sleepy, so I was either sleeping or fighting sleep and useless at home. Smoking a little weed though, it didn’t eliminate the pain quite as well as the prescription pain meds but it helped a lot, and it didn’t leave me nauseated. I also found out it helped with my anxiety as well. After I laid it the facts for DH, he was supportive, but I really resented him being judgmental and having to get his approval to treat a medical condition.

Marijuana has a lot of practical medical applications, which it sounds like is the reason he’s using it. It’s really no big deal. The fact that you didn’t know he’s smoking weed is evidence that it’s not affecting him adversely. He lied because it’s easier than having to try and convince you it’s acceptable, deal with your judgment, and be treated like a child. Maybe consider how you’re behavior shapes people’s responses to you.

Hear hear! Marijuana has so many medicinal benefits and yes, also takes the edge off. IT's been known to be a great treatment for hypertension, anxiety, etc. People, we're not talking about heroin or cocaine. FWIW, I've only smoked once in the past 20 years but I know enough about the science to know it's not the bogeyman a lot of you claim it is.

+1000

OP please educate yourself on weed. I dont even know if I think your issue is even with the weed itself, but the lying. I understand that, but he lied because he feels he has no other option unless he wants to deal with your judgment...and who wants that? You're his wife, not his parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a conversation “a few years ago” about him not smoking pot. Before you get in a tizzy, I suggest talking to your husband again. Please acknowledge that he appears to have abided by your wishes for years. He knows you don’t want him smoking yet he apparently seeks an outlet or escape. Why not come up with a solution together?

This is my plan. DH and I rarely fight. We will talk though this in a sane manner. His work stress has been higher lately, and our family stress increases when I return to work (I'm a teacher, off for the summer). I did not say a word last night. I'm not sure if he thinks I believed him when he said he was taking out the trash last night.

NP. A few things to consider when you talk:

1. You're in VA so-- not legal except for medical use. If he gets arrested, since it's not legal in your state, could an arrest or conviction affect his job? Even if he's not in a security clearance kind of job, or is not in a job where there is drug testing--some employers are not going to be OK with an arrest record, even for supposedly personal-use-only pot. If the employer wouldn't necessarily fire him, he might find his advancement prospects mysteriously limited over time. I'm not saying it's right or wrong of an employer to have a problem with a pot arrest, so pro-pot posters, that's not the issue. The issue is simply that the employer--in this "employ at will" state--can choose to dismiss over this. If he feels his employer would never do it, he might want to rethink that.

2. There are PPs saying let him smoke as it probably helps his medical issues. Why take medical advice from total strangers online, whose personal medical experiences may be nothing like his? Like you, OP, I would want to know if pot could affect the other meds he's on. Even if there is no negative interaction per se, could pot slow his body's absorption of his needed meds? Only a doctor can tell him. I'd press him to tell his doctor he's a smoker and ask the question. And you should be there to hear the answer too because frankly I think he would not tell you if a doctor said to stop smoking, OP.

Yeah, it sounds naive to say, tell the doctor you smoke pot. But my relative had to do just that (in another state where it's also not legal) and found the doctors non-judgmental--they really did just want the truth about anything he was putting into his body.

In the end you and DH seem to have a communication issue. I'd wonder what else he was keeping to himself. I don't just mean in a "hiding stuff he thinks I don't like and will judge" way. I mean keeping things from you in an even more important "why does he feel he can't be his real self with me" way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a conversation “a few years ago” about him not smoking pot. Before you get in a tizzy, I suggest talking to your husband again. Please acknowledge that he appears to have abided by your wishes for years. He knows you don’t want him smoking yet he apparently seeks an outlet or escape. Why not come up with a solution together?

This is my plan. DH and I rarely fight. We will talk though this in a sane manner. His work stress has been higher lately, and our family stress increases when I return to work (I'm a teacher, off for the summer). I did not say a word last night. I'm not sure if he thinks I believed him when he said he was taking out the trash last night.

NP. A few things to consider when you talk:

1. You're in VA so-- not legal except for medical use. If he gets arrested, since it's not legal in your state, could an arrest or conviction affect his job? Even if he's not in a security clearance kind of job, or is not in a job where there is drug testing--some employers are not going to be OK with an arrest record, even for supposedly personal-use-only pot. If the employer wouldn't necessarily fire him, he might find his advancement prospects mysteriously limited over time. I'm not saying it's right or wrong of an employer to have a problem with a pot arrest, so pro-pot posters, that's not the issue. The issue is simply that the employer--in this "employ at will" state--can choose to dismiss over this. If he feels his employer would never do it, he might want to rethink that.

2. There are PPs saying let him smoke as it probably helps his medical issues. Why take medical advice from total strangers online, whose personal medical experiences may be nothing like his? Like you, OP, I would want to know if pot could affect the other meds he's on. Even if there is no negative interaction per se, could pot slow his body's absorption of his needed meds? Only a doctor can tell him. I'd press him to tell his doctor he's a smoker and ask the question. And you should be there to hear the answer too because frankly I think he would not tell you if a doctor said to stop smoking, OP.

Yeah, it sounds naive to say, tell the doctor you smoke pot. But my relative had to do just that (in another state where it's also not legal) and found the doctors non-judgmental--they really did just want the truth about anything he was putting into his body.

In the end you and DH seem to have a communication issue. I'd wonder what else he was keeping to himself. I don't just mean in a "hiding stuff he thinks I don't like and will judge" way. I mean keeping things from you in an even more important "why does he feel he can't be his real self with me" way.

Reactions like this are why people hide things. It’s rather extreme and uneducated.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the varied viewpoints. DH and I spoke at length today. I actually reached out here because as a non-smoker, I'm trying to understand. I understand there are health benefits for many things, that being said, we would both prefer to get that medical advice from our doctor for obvious reasons. DH's personality has not changed, so I'm not concerned his use is heavy, and he expressed its very occasional. He also admitted he's worried about his health issues (cholesterol and BP med side effects) and some significant allergy problems and wants to get a handle on that before adding an additional thing into the mix. He actually expressed he has gone in phases over the years, where he smoked, and then got sick if it and stopped. I told him I was more upset with him sneaking, and that I'd try to be more open minded but the sneaking had to stop. Despite the fact that numerous posters seemed to jump all over me for my feelings, we had a very calm, non- confrontational conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. This is devastating.

Is this sarcasm?

That's how I read it.

[Anonymous]

Are you his mommy? Why does he have to sneak off to the garage and why are you so judgemental? It's pot. Like the mildest thing ever. Stop making a big thing out of nothing.

[Anonymous]

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a conversation “a few years ago” about him not smoking pot. Before you get in a tizzy, I suggest talking to your husband again. Please acknowledge that he appears to have abided by your wishes for years. He knows you don’t want him smoking yet he apparently seeks an outlet or escape. Why not come up with a solution together?

This is my plan. DH and I rarely fight. We will talk though this in a sane manner. His work stress has been higher lately, and our family stress increases when I return to work (I'm a teacher, off for the summer). I did not say a word last night. I'm not sure if he thinks I believed him when he said he was taking out the trash last night.

NP. A few things to consider when you talk:

1. You're in VA so-- not legal except for medical use. If he gets arrested, since it's not legal in your state, could an arrest or conviction affect his job? Even if he's not in a security clearance kind of job, or is not in a job where there is drug testing--some employers are not going to be OK with an arrest record, even for supposedly personal-use-only pot. If the employer wouldn't necessarily fire him, he might find his advancement prospects mysteriously limited over time. I'm not saying it's right or wrong of an employer to have a problem with a pot arrest, so pro-pot posters, that's not the issue. The issue is simply that the employer--in this "employ at will" state--can choose to dismiss over this. If he feels his employer would never do it, he might want to rethink that.

2. There are PPs saying let him smoke as it probably helps his medical issues. Why take medical advice from total strangers online, whose personal medical experiences may be nothing like his? Like you, OP, I would want to know if pot could affect the other meds he's on. Even if there is no negative interaction per se, could pot slow his body's absorption of his needed meds? Only a doctor can tell him. I'd press him to tell his doctor he's a smoker and ask the question. And you should be there to hear the answer too because frankly I think he would not tell you if a doctor said to stop smoking, OP.

Yeah, it sounds naive to say, tell the doctor you smoke pot. But my relative had to do just that (in another state where it's also not legal) and found the doctors non-judgmental--they really did just want the truth about anything he was putting into his body.

In the end you and DH seem to have a communication issue. I'd wonder what else he was keeping to himself. I don't just mean in a "hiding stuff he thinks I don't like and will judge" way. I mean keeping things from you in an even more important "why does he feel he can't be his real self with me" way.

Reactions like this are why people hide things. It’s rather extreme and uneducated.

How is it "extreme" to present the idea that some employers may have a problem with some employees if they get arrested?

How is it "uneducated" to recognize that there are still places where pot is still illegal, so a person who buys and smokes it is at risk of arrest, even if it's not hugely probable?

How is it "uneducated" or "extreme" to point out that people posting here can enjoy pot and It can help them medically, but they are not qualified to give OP's husband medical advice?

There was zero judgement above about pot use. Only noting legal and medical issues OP should consider. Her family, not you, will have to deal if DH's employer makes things difficult over an arrest. Her family, not you, will have to deal if DH has a medical condition that is affected. It's ill-advised to use any substance (including legal ones like alcohol) if you have health issues and are on meds, unless you get advice from real doctors and not from Dr. DCUM. Burying one's head in the sand and taking anonymous online medical advice--that would be uneducated.

[Anonymous]

So weird that so many people in this thread blame the lying on the reaction of the person who is being lied to. Blame the victim much?

Also sexist that OP's concerns are framed by some as judgmental and mommy-like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So weird that so many people in this thread blame the lying on the reaction of the person who is being lied to. Blame the victim much?

Also sexist that OP's concerns are framed by some as judgmental and mommy-like.

OP isn’t a victim. JFC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So weird that so many people in this thread blame the lying on the reaction of the person who is being lied to. Blame the victim much?

Also sexist that OP's concerns are framed by some as judgmental and mommy-like.

Mommy like? That's your interpretation - I considered her reaction as overreactive. Clearly, (right or wrong) OP's DH is hiding it from shame and fear of judgement - no? OP and others have proceeded to opine on this topic based on a lack of fundamental understanding of marijuana and affects on the body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're treating him like a teenaged son. I'm not surprised he sneaks around and does it. I'd just let him smoke the weed. My god, he could be doing so much worse.

Amen to that!

I can't believe all the folks in here condemning the poor guy for taking his weed smoking underground.

He has no choice because you don't accept him for who he is, and seem to think its okay to control him.

If you'd put on a few extra pounds and he forbid you from eating chocolate, how would you feel? Would you feel like he accepted you for who you are, or that he was being controlling and judgemental?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So weird that so many people in this thread blame the lying on the reaction of the person who is being lied to. Blame the victim much?

Also sexist that OP's concerns are framed by some as judgmental and mommy-like.

Not weird, and she's not the victim. She is the one that thinks its okay to control their partner. He's not gambling, drinking or hurting anyone. He's just trying to unwind in the best way he knows how.

Yet he's been judged, and told what he can and can't put in his body. To me he is more of a victim than here.

[Anonymous]

OP I would say nothing if you are unable to say that it's ok; it's his choice.

I have been happily married for over 30 years. I have a couple of secrets from my DH because he is too firm in some of his opinions. I am not smoking crack or gambling away our life savings or having an affair.

OP I bet the mj helps him sleep.

[Anonymous]

OP, consider some of the AlAnon readings.

Essentially your DH is responsible for himself and you are responsible for yourself.