What if you don’t have a gifted, very smart kid?

[Anonymous]

Find some new friends who have nothing better to do than brag about their kids. Do parents seriously sit around and brag about how advanced their kids are? (I'm not talking about DCUM, of course -- pretty much everyone on here has a "gifted" kid. But do parents really talk like that in real life?)

Be at peace that your daughter no longer seems to have special needs.

Figure out what she's interested in and/or good at and cultivate those interests and talents. No one in the whole world is talentless. You said she's social and sweet -- well, maybe she'll be a great therapist someday, or a teacher, or an HR manager, or a nurse. But right now, she's 3 -- she should be cultivating interest in things like being outdoors or reading books or playing with animals or coloring pictures or banging on drums. As she gets older, her interests will start to reveal themselves.

Do not underestimate the importance of emotional intelligence, creativity, and empathy. Those are skills that are needed in all facets of life.

Help her to understand that hard work is often times more important than raw talent. She may have to work 2x harder to get where she wants to go. That does not mean it is impossible for her to get there.

Finally, if she grows up knowing she's loved and in a secure and stable home, and she has parents who believe in her ability to succeed, and parents who teach her the skills she needs to do well, she's going to be just fine in life.

As for you, when parents are bragging about their kids, smile serenely and let it roll off your back. Your daughter is completely fine, just the way she is.

[Anonymous]

OP, seriously, even in this area children's smartness will follow a distribution. Now, this distribution may be shifted to the left, because of nature and nurture in this area, but it will remain a distribution. This means, there will be smart kids and not so smart. Enjoy your child. Going to school may give you some perspective. Not being super smart does not mean your child won't have fulfilled and happy life. And I know many smart people who are not happy.

[Anonymous]

All debate aside, you don’t know if your child has SN at 3 or not. They usually aren’t diagnosed until much later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find some new friends who have nothing better to do than brag about their kids. Do parents seriously sit around and brag about how advanced their kids are? (I'm not talking about DCUM, of course -- pretty much everyone on here has a "gifted" kid. But do parents really talk like that in real life?)

Be at peace that your daughter no longer seems to have special needs.

Figure out what she's interested in and/or good at and cultivate those interests and talents. No one in the whole world is talentless. You said she's social and sweet -- well, maybe she'll be a great therapist someday, or a teacher, or an HR manager, or a nurse. But right now, she's 3 -- she should be cultivating interest in things like being outdoors or reading books or playing with animals or coloring pictures or banging on drums. As she gets older, her interests will start to reveal themselves.

Do not underestimate the importance of emotional intelligence, creativity, and empathy. Those are skills that are needed in all facets of life.

Help her to understand that hard work is often times more important than raw talent. She may have to work 2x harder to get where she wants to go. That does not mean it is impossible for her to get there.

Finally, if she grows up knowing she's loved and in a secure and stable home, and she has parents who believe in her ability to succeed, and parents who teach her the skills she needs to do well, she's going to be just fine in life.

As for you, when parents are bragging about their kids, smile serenely and let it roll off your back. Your daughter is completely fine, just the way she is.

Thanks so much for this!

[Anonymous]

I honestly and with no snark suggest you get a job. The level you are taking this need to compete to at 3 is just not healthy for you or your child.

[Anonymous]

Seriously OP, find new people to hang with. I am in a very good district with MS kids where the bragging goes on and I make a mental note and avoid those people.

I tell my kids to be kind to everyone and do their best always. Everyone makes mistakes and if you do, do your best to fix it and try again. We focus on problem solving skills, independence, confidence, and being a good person and friend. I also very much focus on their manners and always have.

I get compliments on them ALL THE TIME. They are not gifted. They're smart enough and nice kids. My opinion is being smart or gifted is great and all, but really a pretty small part of the equation in terms of having a good life. Just let it go. Don't engage and focus on the stuff that really matters.

[Anonymous]

Just stop, PP. I am not competing. I am relaying what I am hearing all around me, and it’s unnerving. I don’t want or need a Mark or Misty: the parents around me have literally said this (about different kids, in different instances), and have asked what my kids “thing” is, and I’ve tried to laugh it off with “being three.” And now, since I’ll perhaps get a snide response about that, even, it’s often impossible to convey all of this in phone-creates quick posts, especially when some come to attack. “The wolves will get you;” what kind of crap heap posts that? But I do think I’ve learned not to engage so much here, and appreciate the well-intended responses.

[Anonymous]

Fine, you are not a troll, sorry. But, what are we supposed to think about "what if you don't have a gifted, very smart kid?" What do you think your question will make us think of you? You say you are smart and not buying into fake narrative of parents claiming their kids are geniuses, but yet you are implying that your child is somehow less to you than their kids are to them? What do you mean what if?! That is the part I can't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop, PP. I am not competing. I am relaying what I am hearing all around me, and it’s unnerving. I don’t want or need a Mark or Misty: the parents around me have literally said this (about different kids, in different instances), and have asked what my kids “thing” is, and I’ve tried to laugh it off with “being three.” And now, since I’ll perhaps get a snide response about that, even, it’s often impossible to convey all of this in phone-creates quick posts, especially when some come to attack. “The wolves will get you;” what kind of crap heap posts that? But I do think I’ve learned not to engage so much here, and appreciate the well-intended responses.

I have lived in DC for years and raised three kids and have an advanced degree from a very good school as does my husband and we make a lot of money, and I have never, ever heard of parents asking what thieir kids "thing" is at 3 or being this obnoxious. I think you are either in some very weird place or you are creating or exaggerating this narrative because you are overly sensitive because your child had delays or whatever, but the point that has been made over and over is don't engage, don't perpetuate it, and just brush it off and move on to other topics.

Also, OP, your tone throughout this thread has been somewhat hysterical and juvenile - "crap heap", really? - and just emotionally overwrought. As others have suggested, you may need to seek some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You love your child no matter their IQ. You are an idiot.

...see?

Where does it say she doesn't love her child? She just feels insecure about the comparisons and worries about how successful her kid will be. OP, I can totally relate - no one would ever question my love for my child. I am a doting mom and I adore him. But he does have a diagnosis of a language disorder and as he gets older, it is more and more evident that he is behind his peers. I have no idea what his prognosis is because he is so young, but I think that he will have to work extra hard to keep up, and that makes me a little sad and frustrated. I deal with these feelings by making sure he will always be financially provided for (I posted upthread about holding property for him). I also find it really easy to focus on all his wonderful and good qualities. I am also surrounded by really great people who don't compare notes on their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, my son goes to a very expensive (sigh) private school for kids with severe issues. We, his parents, are very successful by all accounts, wealthy, in shape and look like we have a “perfect” life from the outside, I guess. We’re also “neoliberals” . All of the parents at my sons schools re similar. Our kids are disabled. And they’re awesome, individual, incredible kids with talents. They might not make a bajillion dollars. They might not be famous. But they’re learning how to learn and love and they’re here, which, for some of them, is a miracle. I can’t imagine having your mentality or dilemma. I will be honest that it rubs me as morally abhorrent.

For the sake of an anecdote, my husband was always considered average at best in high school and randomly tested amazingly on the SAT and had been an incredibly high achiever ever since.

OP is worried about her kid, the same as almost every other poster on DCUM. And you find that morally abhorrent...

Why is she worried though? That's what I find puzzling.

Have things gotten SO bad in this country that normal people can't do well anymore?

I don't think it's quite that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we are on a path towards a winner-takes-all kind of economy -- i.e., outsized rewards go to the top 1% or fraction of 1% -- people are understandably anxious about how their kids stack up. Folks worry about whether or not "merely" average, or slightly above average, kids, will turn into adults who have satisfying jobs that can keep a roof over their head, keep them out of precarious financial situations (like being ruined by a health problem), and who can afford to raise a family. (Maybe PP who decided to invest in a future income stream for their kid had it right.)

But really, OP, your kid is 3, and you just don't know what they'll be like in the future. Kids with high SES and involved parents tend to achieve more at the preschool age, yes. But you have no idea if your kid is going to have brilliant insights into medieval history, or be a badminton champion, or a virtuoso harmonica player later on. Lots of people with average IQs can achieve great things when they find something they're interested in, pursue it with dedication, and get appropriate support in doing so.

Try not to take other people talking about their kids as an attempt to one-up you (unless those friends of yours tend to be one-uppers, in which case, please find some new friends). Some people just want to share the things that their kids are doing, because they're excited about it. And yes, some of those achievements will be things that are academic-ish -- i.e., Larla knows all her letters! and whatnot.

None of this pays well. My cousin has a PhD from an elite university (University of Chicago) in medieval history and cannot find a full time tenure track job (universities are increasingly relying on adjunct teaching to save money). So. That's out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my son goes to a very expensive (sigh) private school for kids with severe issues. We, his parents, are very successful by all accounts, wealthy, in shape and look like we have a “perfect” life from the outside, I guess. We’re also “neoliberals” . All of the parents at my sons schools re similar. Our kids are disabled. And they’re awesome, individual, incredible kids with talents. They might not make a bajillion dollars. They might not be famous. But they’re learning how to learn and love and they’re here, which, for some of them, is a miracle. I can’t imagine having your mentality or dilemma. I will be honest that it rubs me as morally abhorrent.

For the sake of an anecdote, my husband was always considered average at best in high school and randomly tested amazingly on the SAT and had been an incredibly high achiever ever since.

Well, being wealthy sure makes having a SN child easier, doesn't? Your heirs don't have to make a bajillion dollars, they will just live off their trust fund.

Try being poor and having health problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my son goes to a very expensive (sigh) private school for kids with severe issues. We, his parents, are very successful by all accounts, wealthy, in shape and look like we have a “perfect” life from the outside, I guess. We’re also “neoliberals” . All of the parents at my sons schools re similar. Our kids are disabled. And they’re awesome, individual, incredible kids with talents. They might not make a bajillion dollars. They might not be famous. But they’re learning how to learn and love and they’re here, which, for some of them, is a miracle. I can’t imagine having your mentality or dilemma. I will be honest that it rubs me as morally abhorrent.

For the sake of an anecdote, my husband was always considered average at best in high school and randomly tested amazingly on the SAT and had been an incredibly high achiever ever since.

Well, they don't have to make a bajillion dollars, they'll just live off their trust funds.

Try being poor and having health problems/special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, my son goes to a very expensive (sigh) private school for kids with severe issues. We, his parents, are very successful by all accounts, wealthy, in shape and look like we have a “perfect” life from the outside, I guess. We’re also “neoliberals” . All of the parents at my sons schools re similar. Our kids are disabled. And they’re awesome, individual, incredible kids with talents. They might not make a bajillion dollars. They might not be famous. But they’re learning how to learn and love and they’re here, which, for some of them, is a miracle. I can’t imagine having your mentality or dilemma. I will be honest that it rubs me as morally abhorrent.

For the sake of an anecdote, my husband was always considered average at best in high school and randomly tested amazingly on the SAT and had been an incredibly high achiever ever since.

Well, they don't have to make a bajillion dollars, they'll just live off their trust funds.

Try being poor and having health problems/special needs.

I can imagine it is much, much, much harder, honestly. I completely agree that resources make it easier.