Would it bother you if your husband...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is trying to spice up your love life and is trying to tell that you are becoming boring. All normal after few years of marriage and kids. Next comes more dirty talking, then watching "movies" together, then being comfortable telling him who you wouldn't have minded sleeping in from your mutual past. These are all signs of healthy marriage and him telling you means he is comfortable to tell you what he wants. You shut him down more and more.... well you figure it out. Having a long lasting marriage and healthy sex life takes work. No wonder all these people are posting about open marriages!

This is exactly true. Men consistently move the goal post.

As soon as you "fulfill" his next need he will just convince himself it is not satisfying anymore and ... once again, move the goal post.

This is why married sex becomes a chore, men constantly moving the goal post.

If you have a spouse that makes it your 2nd job then its time to leave. Nothing worth that misery.

[Anonymous]

No, this wouldn’t bother me at all. If a person can’t make a simple request like this of their own spouse, who can they ask?

[Anonymous]

He doesn't need to encourage me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I actually can relate to your message. I remember when our kids were young, DH got me a sexy role play-like lingerie set and I almost burst into tears when I opened it. I was already feeling incredibly inadequate as a wife since we had 3 kids under the age of 4 and my libido went awol for about 2-3 years. I know he was trying to find a way to help me get into the mood but instead it just made me feel like he didn't care how I felt, it made me feel objectified, that he didn't appreciate ALL the effort I was putting into just being available for him, etc. etc. In hindsight, I feel I totally overreacted and don't totally understand where it was coming from - but it's how I felt at the time.

Fast forward a few years and I really got my sexy groove back. Honestly it was reading erotic literature that really, really helped me. It made me view my sexuality very differently and less about me "rallying" to do what my husband wanted me to do so that he wasn't a dissatisfied husband and more about me figuring out what made me feel sexy and desirable. I am much, much more likely to put on really sexy lingerie now and get a kick out of it myself and DH knows that he can safely buy that kind of stuff for me now. As long as we were already flirty and I knew that we were planning to have sex, seeing lingerie laying out for me with some kind of demanding note, "Meet me in the bedroom at 9:00 and don't be late" would be super, super sexy to me.

I do think you and your DH need a real conversation about this (and NOT before you are about to have sex or anywhere around the time he brings up lingerie). Men are very visual and him wanting to see you in revealing lingerie is a very normal request. I think you can acknowledge that without being quite ready to go down that path right away, but you can give some thought to how you might be able to meet that desire of his in a way that is also in your comfort zone (recognizing that you hope to expand that zone over time).

[Anonymous]

He's still attracted to you and likes when you wear things that demonstrate your sexuality. You can embrace it or hate it. Hate it and he will eventually stop but you will always have to wonder: did he stop out of respect for me or is he just buying the sexy clothes for someone else?

Your mental approach is sending you down a path to misery. Change it now, while it's easy. Embrace and enjoy before you can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually can relate to your message. I remember when our kids were young, DH got me a sexy role play-like lingerie set and I almost burst into tears when I opened it. I was already feeling incredibly inadequate as a wife since we had 3 kids under the age of 4 and my libido went awol for about 2-3 years. I know he was trying to find a way to help me get into the mood but instead it just made me feel like he didn't care how I felt, it made me feel objectified, that he didn't appreciate ALL the effort I was putting into just being available for him, etc. etc. In hindsight, I feel I totally overreacted and don't totally understand where it was coming from - but it's how I felt at the time.

Fast forward a few years and I really got my sexy groove back. Honestly it was reading erotic literature that really, really helped me. It made me view my sexuality very differently and less about me "rallying" to do what my husband wanted me to do so that he wasn't a dissatisfied husband and more about me figuring out what made me feel sexy and desirable. I am much, much more likely to put on really sexy lingerie now and get a kick out of it myself and DH knows that he can safely buy that kind of stuff for me now. As long as we were already flirty and I knew that we were planning to have sex, seeing lingerie laying out for me with some kind of demanding note, "Meet me in the bedroom at 9:00 and don't be late" would be super, super sexy to me.

I do think you and your DH need a real conversation about this (and NOT before you are about to have sex or anywhere around the time he brings up lingerie). Men are very visual and him wanting to see you in revealing lingerie is a very normal request. I think you can acknowledge that without being quite ready to go down that path right away, but you can give some thought to how you might be able to meet that desire of his in a way that is also in your comfort zone (recognizing that you hope to expand that zone over time).

Great perspective and great advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is trying to spice up your love life and is trying to tell that you are becoming boring. All normal after few years of marriage and kids. Next comes more dirty talking, then watching "movies" together, then being comfortable telling him who you wouldn't have minded sleeping in from your mutual past. These are all signs of healthy marriage and him telling you means he is comfortable to tell you what he wants. You shut him down more and more.... well you figure it out. Having a long lasting marriage and healthy sex life takes work. No wonder all these people are posting about open marriages!

This is exactly true. Men consistently move the goal post.

As soon as you "fulfill" his next need he will just convince himself it is not satisfying anymore and ... once again, move the goal post.

This is why married sex becomes a chore, men constantly moving the goal post.

If you have a spouse that makes it your 2nd job then its time to leave. Nothing worth that misery.

I can see why there are so many unhappy marriages here. It is not one spouse, this is how both people grow together. Sometimes it is a wife, sometimes it is a husband. A lot of stupid people who have no idea how to actually be married. It is mutual and normal development, not demand from the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is trying to spice up your love life and is trying to tell that you are becoming boring. All normal after few years of marriage and kids. Next comes more dirty talking, then watching "movies" together, then being comfortable telling him who you wouldn't have minded sleeping in from your mutual past. These are all signs of healthy marriage and him telling you means he is comfortable to tell you what he wants. You shut him down more and more.... well you figure it out. Having a long lasting marriage and healthy sex life takes work. No wonder all these people are posting about open marriages!

This is exactly true. Men consistently move the goal post.

As soon as you "fulfill" his next need he will just convince himself it is not satisfying anymore and ... once again, move the goal post.

This is why married sex becomes a chore, men constantly moving the goal post.

If you have a spouse that makes it your 2nd job then its time to leave. Nothing worth that misery.

I can see why there are so many unhappy marriages here. It is not one spouse, this is how both people grow together. Sometimes it is a wife, sometimes it is a husband. A lot of stupid people who have no idea how to actually be married. It is mutual and normal development, not demand from the husband.

Yes it could be that way but that is not what OP is describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:continually encouraged you to buy 'sexy' clothes? DH and I have been married over 10 years and have two small (not infant) kids. We have a few solo (without kids) trips coming up and he keeps making comments about how I should buy different bathing suits, sexy lingerie, etc. He keeps bringing it up - like I'll forward him a sale email from a store we both like and he'll respond "last chance to get that sexy gear for [vacation location!]"

not sure why this bugs me. We have a decent sex life - but him doing this makes me feel somehow cheap, or something. He's also left lingerie from my drawer out for me to wear in bed before - like if I'm in the shower or something - and I'm not a fan of him doing that either, but can't pinpoint why.

Stop over thinking this. He wants YOU. he thinks you are sexy and after 10 years, you should be happy he still is trying to find ways to mix it up a bit. This is really a very minor ask on his part. Its clearly a fantasy he has, why won't you do it?

[Anonymous]

My H will be shopping, take a picture of something and say "I think you would look pretty in this, do you like it, i'll buy it".. I will say... sure love it or no... the straps are weird, or it looks too tight, or I look terrible in pale yellow. See... that is not passive.

Hmmm... NP here, but this seems cute and flirty to me, but at the same time I can understand why OP is annoyed by the type of request her DH is making, i.e. why don't you buy sexy clothes from this store, or buy a sexier bathing suit, etc. The latter requests imply OP is not dressing sexy enough, assigns *her* the job of stepping it up, and makes it a chore (the "dress sexy" request also it seems across the board, not just in the bedroom, which seems less about sex and more controlling of OP's look generally). The first request is active--DH is doing the buying, and buying a gift to boot!--and it indicates that you already look great, so why not wear this? So while OP's DH may have meant well, and I think it is fine to desire to see your spouse wearing this or that--I too would have been annoyed by the way it's apparently being communicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My H will be shopping, take a picture of something and say "I think you would look pretty in this, do you like it, i'll buy it".. I will say... sure love it or no... the straps are weird, or it looks too tight, or I look terrible in pale yellow. See... that is not passive.

Hmmm... NP here, but this seems cute and flirty to me, but at the same time I can understand why OP is annoyed by the type of request her DH is making, i.e. why don't you buy sexy clothes from this store, or buy a sexier bathing suit, etc. The latter requests imply OP is not dressing sexy enough, assigns *her* the job of stepping it up, and makes it a chore (the "dress sexy" request also it seems across the board, not just in the bedroom, which seems less about sex and more controlling of OP's look generally). The first request is active--DH is doing the buying, and buying a gift to boot!--and it indicates that you already look great, so why not wear this? So while OP's DH may have meant well, and I think it is fine to desire to see your spouse wearing this or that--I too would have been annoyed by the way it's apparently being communicated.

Oh bother with being annoyed already. Men and women obviously communicate differently. It is acknowledged throughout the whole thread that your husband finds you attractive and is trying enjoy having sex with you (which is more than the just doing the 1-2 pump, its the appeal, build up, etc.) How would you feel if the shoe were the other foot? I.e. Your DH is a hunk, and you like to see him in the shirtless fireman outfit, and he gets offended when you ask? Who else is supposed to ask? This is what makes a marriage intimate, that you can take off the veil and be open to each other. He is being fairly vulnerable by expressing his desire. Maybe you can work a deal - he be the fireman and you the librarian...