Would it bother you if your husband...

[Anonymous]

Your DH raises the most mild of fantasies - to see his wife in lingerie - and you shoot it down. Congrats, you can be sure if he has any other suggestions for spicing things up, he will bottle them lest he be sex shamed.

If you want to be the object of his desire, be the object of his desire. He is telling you what he wants/needs in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

I can only imagine if he wrote in that his DW needed something - wine, lube, a toy - for a better sex session and he felt it annoying and a put off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you don't like it because it lays clear that your "decent" sex life isn't satisfying him. Right now you two are dancing around that trust with him nudging you toward improving/increasing your sex life and you studiously not getting the hint.

You assume she is the one that needs improvement.

I am sure if he was better at it, it would be more than "decent".

DCUM Rule #1 -- any problem with the sex life in any marriage is always entirely the man's fault.

or all the woman's fault.

uh, on DCUM it's never the woman's fault. ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH raises the most mild of fantasies - to see his wife in lingerie - and you shoot it down. Congrats, you can be sure if he has any other suggestions for spicing things up, he will bottle them lest he be sex shamed.

If you want to be the object of his desire, be the object of his desire. He is telling you what he wants/needs in the bedroom.

This! He wants you!

[Anonymous]

Yes OP. I would avoid shopping with him at that point. Plus seems a little juvenile.

I would also wonder why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. I would avoid shopping with him at that point. Plus seems a little juvenile.

I would also wonder why?

PP, I feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's also left lingerie from my drawer out for me to wear in bed before - like if I'm in the shower or something - and I'm not a fan of him doing that either, but can't pinpoint why.

Ummm because it's controlling?

Yes going through her drawer picking out her sleep wear!

OP nicely tell him to STOP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:buy him the yellow borat swimsuit and tell him how sexy it is.

but he sounds fun and playful, whether you buy some wares or not. go with it!

lol Match it with a hat asking him to wear it to bed.

I want to know his answer!

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s bothering you that he’s not being direct about it ; maybe you’d find direct more sexy?? Or does it feel that asking you to go shopping is adding one more thing to your to do list?

In any event, I suggest that you give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s doing his best to communicate, and find some new sexy things that you like. And also think about faking it until you make it - when your kids get older and your sex drive revs up in your 40s, you’ll have more time and energy for better sex, and until then maybe allowing a little nudge from him here and there will be good for both of you.

[Anonymous]

He is trying to spice up your love life and is trying to tell that you are becoming boring. All normal after few years of marriage and kids. Next comes more dirty talking, then watching "movies" together, then being comfortable telling him who you wouldn't have minded sleeping in from your mutual past. These are all signs of healthy marriage and him telling you means he is comfortable to tell you what he wants. You shut him down more and more.... well you figure it out. Having a long lasting marriage and healthy sex life takes work. No wonder all these people are posting about open marriages!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you don't like it because it lays clear that your "decent" sex life isn't satisfying him. Right now you two are dancing around that trust with him nudging you toward improving/increasing your sex life and you studiously not getting the hint.

You assume she is the one that needs improvement.

I am sure if he was better at it, it would be more than "decent".

I made no such assumption. It's not a "right" and "wrong" thing, it's two different sets of needs and preferences that need to be reconciled. How they should be reconciled is between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's also left lingerie from my drawer out for me to wear in bed before - like if I'm in the shower or something - and I'm not a fan of him doing that either, but can't pinpoint why.

Ummm because it's controlling?

Yes going through her drawer picking out her sleep wear!

OP nicely tell him to STOP.

If it's in her drawer, she obviously liked it enough to buy it, so why not put it on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Lots of food for thought here and I truly appreciate the comments! I actually think it is both passive aggressive AND trying not to be mean, if that makes sense. I don’t think he wants to hurt my feelings. Do we have an absolutely phenomenally fulfilling sex life? No. We also both work full-time and have young kids etc. etc. I would say our sex life is better than that of 75% of my friends’ obviously not knowing all the details.

My thought process in posting this was really to try to figure out what it is about at that bothers me. I think the guy who posted earlier sort of hit the nail on the head. It’s something I was going to do anyway... I feel like he is in some way telling me that our current sex life is not enough.. I did makes me feel cheap and controlled, like something you would do to a hooker.

I think a good solution is probably for me to get some stuff that I feel sexy in that could spice things up, but also for me to tell him directly that I do not like him beating around the bush (no pun intended, bwahaha) when it comes to this stuff.

DH here: some other food for thought. 1. Unless you want to hurt his feelings, don't pitch this in terms of how your sex life compares to others. He will likely interpret this as an attempt by you to ratchet down the sex based on what is "typical," although my sense is that you don't necessarily mean it that way. Better to talk about what is or is not possible for you, as a couple, based on what you both want and the logistical constraints that are specific to you guys. 2. Framing in terms of "control" and "cheap" suggests to me you have more of an incompatibility developing than you may think or want to admit. It sounds to me you really don't want to set the precedent of doing things to sexually arouse him, even though they come at relatively little cost to you. Why is that? I don't know, and you don't have to tell us, but whether he asks explicitly or not, this will be on his mind. Here's how it sounds to me: he wants "more" and you want "less" (not necessarily frequency, but in terms of where sex sits in the pecking order of your marriage). That may not be an issue yet, but it will be if it continues to grow. Maybe that is inevitable, and maybe it isn't, but take it from someone who has been there to some extent: these issue grow large over time if they are not managed effectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you don't like it because it lays clear that your "decent" sex life isn't satisfying him. Right now you two are dancing around that trust with him nudging you toward improving/increasing your sex life and you studiously not getting the hint.

You assume she is the one that needs improvement.

I am sure if he was better at it, it would be more than "decent".

DCUM Rule #1 -- any problem with the sex life in any marriage is always entirely the man's fault.

or all the woman's fault.

uh, on DCUM it's never the woman's fault. ever.

If she gains weight, or gets cancer, or has ppd... all good reasons why
She has ruined his second life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is trying to spice up your love life and is trying to tell that you are becoming boring. All normal after few years of marriage and kids. Next comes more dirty talking, then watching "movies" together, then being comfortable telling him who you wouldn't have minded sleeping in from your mutual past. These are all signs of healthy marriage and him telling you means he is comfortable to tell you what he wants. You shut him down more and more.... well you figure it out. Having a long lasting marriage and healthy sex life takes work. No wonder all these people are posting about open marriages!

This is exactly true. Men consistently move the goal post.

As soon as you "fulfill" his next need he will just convince himself it is not satisfying anymore and ... once again, move the goal post.

This is why married sex becomes a chore, men constantly moving the goal post.