Unwanted divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a very, very similar situation. DH also had an affair, with someone I knew, and continued it after he told me. I tried everything, thought we were doing better, but eventually found out he continued the affair and after it ended he still asked for a divorce. We have two young kids, and I was blindsided.

I found it helpful to spend some time mourning the life I thought we had. Truly just going through almost a short grieving process. I needed to process that even though I tried everything, he just wasn't the person that I *thought* he was to continue treating me in such a way. I mourned his lack of effort in our marriage, his blatant disrespect (re: AP) and narcissism (in retrospect), rewriting history, and the life I thought I had and wanted. While I never would have chosen it myself, I slowly moved from that grieving process to feeling empowered.

You can't control what he does. But you CAN control how you react and what you do with your life going forward. Stand up, be brave, make a plan, and figure out what brings you joy. I look for small things that give me peace, and put one foot in front of the other. So cliche, but you only get one life. Don't waste more time than you need to playing the what-if game.

Also, read Girl wash your face.

wow, I could have written this. Great advice PP. Also recommend listening to Heartburn by Nora Ephron on audiobook. Insightful and hilarious. I laughed-cried on my drive to my first Thanksgiving without DD. Bonus it's narrated by Meryl Streep.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the title of your thread. Few people have a “wanted” divorce, even if they initiated it, because most people get married expecting it to last. I don’t mean to seem harsh, but it seems that you’re wallowing in being the victim. Bad things happen to all people; character is shown by who can pick herself up and move on.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the title of your thread. Few people have a “wanted” divorce, even if they initiated it, because most people get married expecting it to last. I don’t mean to seem harsh, but it seems that you’re wallowing in being the victim. Bad things happen to all people; character is shown by who can pick herself up and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a perfect example to other people that no good comes from giving a cheater a second chance.

It is highly likely that they will cheat again.
Maya Angelou stated that when someone shows you who they are, then believe them.

Dr. Phil says that our past behavior is a blueprint for our future behavior.

...................................
OP, I am so very sorry.
And know that you were a victim the first time.

You didn’t have to “fix” anything about you.
You were just being a good Mother and your soon-to-be ex husband should have been praising you for that -
Not placing blame on you for not giving him enough attention.

What a childish antic.
And to use that as an excuse to cheat is just despicable to me.
I know you want this person, but he has deluded your being & will just continue to hurt you over and over while absolving ALL blame.
This is not healthy at all.

Be grateful that you no longer will have to feel bad about yourself because of a cruel man.
Also be grateful that now he is HER problem now.

You will be much better off altogether.
You cannot see it now due to the emotions clouding your judgement, but trust me there is a very beautiful + bright light shining and waiting for you at the end of the tunnel.

+1000x

[giaeve707]

You make perfect sense to me. You committed to this man and meant your vows. You love him and want him. Now you have to figure out how to break that attachment. And it’s hard. You already said you did all you could and you changed. I always wonder why we do that to ourselves. Why we feel like it’s just US that needs to change rather than both. Have you started counseling yet? A counselor can help you work through all of this. His affair wasn’t your fault. It’s something in him. But yes, that’s hard for us to separate. I wish I could fast forward your healing for you. But time will help that. What hobbies do you have? What do you like to do? What things have you wanted to learn or do that you haven’t been able to? What brings you joy? Focus on those things. Build yourself into an even better you. Invest in you. Instead of looking back and at the what ifs, tell yourself “now what” and “I can!” From a BTDT, you can get through this and find happiness again. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

A big difference is whether you are still co-parenting or in an empty nest. Your future will look a lot different if you're now in an empty nest situation. Did he file right when your DC left for college? That is cold.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.
Thanks to everyone who responded, even those who might seem a bit harsh. I posted here because I wanted all sides, not just my friends rallying around me.
I feel like we throw the words "narcissist" and "gaslighting" around too much so I am not prepared to say that is what happened to me. I will say this: I was not a perfect wife. He was not a perfect husband. I think I was a good wife who learned along the way how to best meet his needs. But I guess ultimately - it wasn't good enough if he chose to get them met elsewhere.

It's hard not to beat myself up for all of the things that I could have done. But like others have said, one person cannot save a marriage alone. I am absolutely mourning who he WAS, not who he is now.

I am in counseling, and it helps. No, I am not playing the victim as some stated. I do choose to whine every now and then but I'll own that. We have middle school aged kids and I am focused on making sure I am ok so that they are ok, also.

I am not anywhere near ready to date. (Clearly, he moves on waaaaaaay easier than I do!) But when that time comes...I don't even know how to go about it. I'm in my early 40s. I definitely am not a one night stand person. Where does one go? What online sites are less seedy than others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.
Thanks to everyone who responded, even those who might seem a bit harsh. I posted here because I wanted all sides, not just my friends rallying around me.
I feel like we throw the words "narcissist" and "gaslighting" around too much so I am not prepared to say that is what happened to me. I will say this: I was not a perfect wife. He was not a perfect husband. I think I was a good wife who learned along the way how to best meet his needs. But I guess ultimately - it wasn't good enough if he chose to get them met elsewhere.

It's hard not to beat myself up for all of the things that I could have done. But like others have said, one person cannot save a marriage alone. I am absolutely mourning who he WAS, not who he is now.

I am in counseling, and it helps. No, I am not playing the victim as some stated. I do choose to whine every now and then but I'll own that. We have middle school aged kids and I am focused on making sure I am ok so that they are ok, also.

I am not anywhere near ready to date. (Clearly, he moves on waaaaaaay easier than I do!) But when that time comes...I don't even know how to go about it. I'm in my early 40s. I definitely am not a one night stand person. Where does one go? What online sites are less seedy than others?

Online dating in your 40’s is a different world than any you’ve ever been exposed to before. I’ve had decent success on OkCupid and Bumble. I like Bumble because I’m in control and have to initiate a conversation. I’ve never tried Tinder but had friends that swear that most of the same guys from Bumble are also on Tinder (we did a side by side comparison at happy hour once and it sort of held true). I’ve met a lot of great people through Meetups too. No romantic interests but have made some good friends. I will say at 44 I have yet to date a guy between 40 and 49. For some reason I attract the 33-39 crowd or the early 50’s. I get the impression from my girlfriends in their 30’s that the 40-something men tend to date younger. Just an unscientific observation.

[Anonymous]

OP don't date for at least a year. I think you need to be happy on your own without a guy. Also, enjoy your children minus his drama. Who says you have to date or get into another relationship again. Many single people are very happy, and carefree.

Get through the divorce, the changes and do your best to keep him out of your life. If your kids are in middle school you really shouldn't have to talk to him much after the divorce. I'm sure they have phones, and on the upside it will be a lot easier to move forward.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorcing in my late 40s and have a child still in school. I hope you do see a counselor if you need it. You sounded anguished in the first post, so maybe it will help. There is a book called Uncoupling (the older one) that is by a sociologist that talks about the internal changes involved in incorporating this into you life. I really recommend it. I am not a dating app person for various reasons. But I do suggest becoming engaged in your community - political campaigns, volunteering at school. It should help you to make new friends doing things you care about. It will be nice to have new friends who only know the new you too. Doing things you care about and meeting new people that way may be the best way to meet someone new down the road. But in the meantime you'll be enriching your life too. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your not giving him enough attention was an excuse. He was probably cheating on you then too. You are too good for that and deserve much more. Move on and find someone who loves you.

Yes, people feel that they have to have an excuse to cheat. Also blaming the spouse helps deflect. He just wanted sex with other people. You can't stay married to that type of man, and he should never have married anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP don't date for at least a year. I think you need to be happy on your own without a guy. Also, enjoy your children minus his drama. Who says you have to date or get into another relationship again. Many single people are very happy, and carefree.

Get through the divorce, the changes and do your best to keep him out of your life. If your kids are in middle school you really shouldn't have to talk to him much after the divorce. I'm sure they have phones, and on the upside it will be a lot easier to move forward.

But if OP meets someone really nice soon, she should date that person.