Unwanted divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want HIM or who you wish he'd been?

This x 1000. You want who you think he is/was, not what his actions have SHOWN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you mentioned he cheated when the kids were little. I'm betting he cheated for most of your marriage. Now that the kids are older he's leaving which I think was the plan all along.

Here's a secret from the brotherhood. Most of my friends cheated at least a little when the kids were Young because they were high libido and no sex at home. They are all still married and none to my knowledge are cheating now


It's a libido thing, men understand this

Hmm .. most guys I know cheated on their wives were also getting laid at home. Just selfish and needed ego boosts as their bellies got bigger.

[Anonymous]

Let him have the kids every weekend so his social life with the new GF is impacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him have the kids every weekend so his social life with the new GF is impacted.

That is your best plan - he can have them Friday to Sunday night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him have the kids every weekend so his social life with the new GF is impacted.

That is your best plan - he can have them Friday to Sunday night.

OP probably doesnt want to date, so this is good for her. It also gives him time to do business travel.

[Anonymous]

I was you. 2 years later, I'm living my best life. The only thing I regret now was begging him to stay. It was humiliating.

My ex was my true love. We had seven amazing years before having kids. No real fights or big disagreements. That should have been a red flag, but I thought it was a sign of how compatible we were.

After kids, he felt like I wasn't prioritizing him. Was actually jealous of the time I gave to the kids. Instead of talking to me about it, he had an affair with his secretary. It was literally her job to make him feel important and pampered.

I fought like a dog to save my marriage, he wouldn't even read a damn one page article from out therapist, that's how disengaged he was.

You can not want it enough for both of you. You deserve better. And this is who he is, who always was.

[Anonymous]

You have to treat him like a dead man walking. He is dead to you. He will never be back. Keep eating that painful truth, until you don't get sick from it anymore. That is the only way you can get past it. Pontificating about the what ifs, will only leave you stuck in a state of misery.

Read tons of books about healing, getting over cheating, divorce, bad relationships.

Go easy on yourself. One step in front of the other, and sometimes if you need to stand still for a minute, thats okay too.

Eventually, iyou will lift your head up, turn around and realize how far you've come - and you'll learn to build a new hope, for a new vision, for a beautiful future.

Blessings to you - may the tears you've cried water beautiful seeds of favorable circumstances for your and your children's future.

Oh, and learn to truly forgive (don't forget though). It's not for them. It's for you. It helps you get through it quicker, forgiveness removes karmic blocks and qualifies you for the good in this world that only you can unlock for you.

[Anonymous]

Married 23 years. I truly thought my life was over. Came out the other side and I'm truly happy. Happier than I've been in years. I'm free and do what I when I want. I'm at peace. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him have the kids every weekend so his social life with the new GF is impacted.

That is your best plan - he can have them Friday to Sunday night.

OP probably doesnt want to date, so this is good for her. It also gives him time to do business travel.

Its not about her dating but him dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was you. 2 years later, I'm living my best life. The only thing I regret now was begging him to stay. It was humiliating.

My ex was my true love. We had seven amazing years before having kids. No real fights or big disagreements. That should have been a red flag, but I thought it was a sign of how compatible we were.

After kids, he felt like I wasn't prioritizing him. Was actually jealous of the time I gave to the kids. Instead of talking to me about it, he had an affair with his secretary. It was literally her job to make him feel important and pampered.

I fought like a dog to save my marriage, he wouldn't even read a damn one page article from out therapist, that's how disengaged he was.

You can not want it enough for both of you. You deserve better. And this is who he is, who always was.

I coulda have written this except substitute “secretary” with “some random woman he met on Ashley Madison”. But the rest is almost identical. Two years out and I’m also living my best life. Together 21 years.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Caring for babies and having them take priority in the early years isn’t neglect. Only a narcissistic man-child would think that way.

Why get married? Just get a sperm donor then. Don’t dupe someone into thinking you want to love and cherish them, and you know, HAVE A MARRIAGE, when you just wanted them to impregnate you. Cut it with the excuses.

You sound unhinged. I didn’t get a sperm donor because I didn’t need one. DH had I had deep love and respect for one another and felt we had a strong foundation through which to grow our family. Upon welcoming our first, we realized that the human we created relied on us for absolutely everything, and that his needs would have to take precedence during that period. Our needs would need to be prioritized and some things would have to take a back seat because, quite simply, adding a human takes up more time and energy than we had before. As our son grew and became more independent, our priorities changed again, and we had more time/energy for the things that took a backseat. When we had our second child, we had to sacrifice some things again because the baby and preschooler needed the bulk of our focus again. As they’ve both grown and entered new phases, so have we. Our relationship has evolved as our family has grown. Our priorities have shifted. Our love has grown deeper. I feel so grateful that I married a man who also prioritized the needs of the growing family we created together, and that we both felt confident that we would come back together after the tougher baby phases.

And to OP- my apologies for this tangent on your thread. I just couldn’t stand to see some clearly narcissistic man-child claiming you neglected your spouse for caring for your young children.

PP here. I’m a woman. Nice try, though.

Doesn't make your posts any less dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Caring for babies and having them take priority in the early years isn’t neglect. Only a narcissistic man-child would think that way.

Why get married? Just get a sperm donor then. Don’t dupe someone into thinking you want to love and cherish them, and you know, HAVE A MARRIAGE, when you just wanted them to impregnate you. Cut it with the excuses.

You sound unhinged. I didn’t get a sperm donor because I didn’t need one. DH had I had deep love and respect for one another and felt we had a strong foundation through which to grow our family. Upon welcoming our first, we realized that the human we created relied on us for absolutely everything, and that his needs would have to take precedence during that period. Our needs would need to be prioritized and some things would have to take a back seat because, quite simply, adding a human takes up more time and energy than we had before. As our son grew and became more independent, our priorities changed again, and we had more time/energy for the things that took a backseat. When we had our second child, we had to sacrifice some things again because the baby and preschooler needed the bulk of our focus again. As they’ve both grown and entered new phases, so have we. Our relationship has evolved as our family has grown. Our priorities have shifted. Our love has grown deeper. I feel so grateful that I married a man who also prioritized the needs of the growing family we created together, and that we both felt confident that we would come back together after the tougher baby phases.

And to OP- my apologies for this tangent on your thread. I just couldn’t stand to see some clearly narcissistic man-child claiming you neglected your spouse for caring for your young children.

PP here. I’m a woman. Nice try, though.

Yikes. That’s disappointing. Well, many say we can be our own worst enemies.

I pity you and women like OP who treat their husbands like second class citizen-servants once you pump out a baby. Sad. Not sympathetic, actually, at all.

Look it's an OW. AP must be on vacation with family.

Happily married, thanks!

That's what you think...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to treat him like a dead man walking. He is dead to you. He will never be back. Keep eating that painful truth, until you don't get sick from it anymore. That is the only way you can get past it. Pontificating about the what ifs, will only leave you stuck in a state of misery.

Read tons of books about healing, getting over cheating, divorce, bad relationships.

Go easy on yourself. One step in front of the other, and sometimes if you need to stand still for a minute, thats okay too.

Eventually, iyou will lift your head up, turn around and realize how far you've come - and you'll learn to build a new hope, for a new vision, for a beautiful future.

Blessings to you - may the tears you've cried water beautiful seeds of favorable circumstances for your and your children's future.

Oh, and learn to truly forgive (don't forget though). It's not for them. It's for you. It helps you get through it quicker, forgiveness removes karmic blocks and qualifies you for the good in this world that only you can unlock for you.

This is a really nice post.

I suggest Buddhist Bootcamp.

[Anonymous]

This is a perfect example to other people that no good comes from giving a cheater a second chance.

It is highly likely that they will cheat again.
Maya Angelou stated that when someone shows you who they are, then believe them.

Dr. Phil says that our past behavior is a blueprint for our future behavior.

...................................
OP, I am so very sorry.
And know that you were a victim the first time.

You didn’t have to “fix” anything about you.
You were just being a good Mother and your soon-to-be ex husband should have been praising you for that -
Not placing blame on you for not giving him enough attention.

What a childish antic.
And to use that as an excuse to cheat is just despicable to me.
I know you want this person, but he has deluded your being & will just continue to hurt you over and over while absolving ALL blame.
This is not healthy at all.

Be grateful that you no longer will have to feel bad about yourself because of a cruel man.
Also be grateful that now he is HER problem now.

You will be much better off altogether.
You cannot see it now due to the emotions clouding your judgement, but trust me there is a very beautiful + bright light shining and waiting for you at the end of the tunnel.

[Anonymous]

*who they are the first time