Unwanted divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Caring for babies and having them take priority in the early years isn’t neglect. Only a narcissistic man-child would think that way.

Why get married? Just get a sperm donor then. Don’t dupe someone into thinking you want to love and cherish them, and you know, HAVE A MARRIAGE, when you just wanted them to impregnate you. Cut it with the excuses.

You sound unhinged. I didn’t get a sperm donor because I didn’t need one. DH had I had deep love and respect for one another and felt we had a strong foundation through which to grow our family. Upon welcoming our first, we realized that the human we created relied on us for absolutely everything, and that his needs would have to take precedence during that period. Our needs would need to be prioritized and some things would have to take a back seat because, quite simply, adding a human takes up more time and energy than we had before. As our son grew and became more independent, our priorities changed again, and we had more time/energy for the things that took a backseat. When we had our second child, we had to sacrifice some things again because the baby and preschooler needed the bulk of our focus again. As they’ve both grown and entered new phases, so have we. Our relationship has evolved as our family has grown. Our priorities have shifted. Our love has grown deeper. I feel so grateful that I married a man who also prioritized the needs of the growing family we created together, and that we both felt confident that we would come back together after the tougher baby phases.

And to OP- my apologies for this tangent on your thread. I just couldn’t stand to see some clearly narcissistic man-child claiming you neglected your spouse for caring for your young children.

PP here. I’m a woman. Nice try, though.

Yikes. That’s disappointing. Well, many say we can be our own worst enemies.

I pity you and women like OP who treat their husbands like second class citizen-servants once you pump out a baby. Sad. Not sympathetic, actually, at all.

Look it's an OW. AP must be on vacation with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Caring for babies and having them take priority in the early years isn’t neglect. Only a narcissistic man-child would think that way.

Why get married? Just get a sperm donor then. Don’t dupe someone into thinking you want to love and cherish them, and you know, HAVE A MARRIAGE, when you just wanted them to impregnate you. Cut it with the excuses.

You sound unhinged. I didn’t get a sperm donor because I didn’t need one. DH had I had deep love and respect for one another and felt we had a strong foundation through which to grow our family. Upon welcoming our first, we realized that the human we created relied on us for absolutely everything, and that his needs would have to take precedence during that period. Our needs would need to be prioritized and some things would have to take a back seat because, quite simply, adding a human takes up more time and energy than we had before. As our son grew and became more independent, our priorities changed again, and we had more time/energy for the things that took a backseat. When we had our second child, we had to sacrifice some things again because the baby and preschooler needed the bulk of our focus again. As they’ve both grown and entered new phases, so have we. Our relationship has evolved as our family has grown. Our priorities have shifted. Our love has grown deeper. I feel so grateful that I married a man who also prioritized the needs of the growing family we created together, and that we both felt confident that we would come back together after the tougher baby phases.

And to OP- my apologies for this tangent on your thread. I just couldn’t stand to see some clearly narcissistic man-child claiming you neglected your spouse for caring for your young children.

PP here. I’m a woman. Nice try, though.

Yikes. That’s disappointing. Well, many say we can be our own worst enemies.

I pity you and women like OP who treat their husbands like second class citizen-servants once you pump out a baby. Sad. Not sympathetic, actually, at all.

Look it's an OW. AP must be on vacation with family.

Happily married, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Caring for babies and having them take priority in the early years isn’t neglect. Only a narcissistic man-child would think that way.

Why get married? Just get a sperm donor then. Don’t dupe someone into thinking you want to love and cherish them, and you know, HAVE A MARRIAGE, when you just wanted them to impregnate you. Cut it with the excuses.

You sound unhinged. I didn’t get a sperm donor because I didn’t need one. DH had I had deep love and respect for one another and felt we had a strong foundation through which to grow our family. Upon welcoming our first, we realized that the human we created relied on us for absolutely everything, and that his needs would have to take precedence during that period. Our needs would need to be prioritized and some things would have to take a back seat because, quite simply, adding a human takes up more time and energy than we had before. As our son grew and became more independent, our priorities changed again, and we had more time/energy for the things that took a backseat. When we had our second child, we had to sacrifice some things again because the baby and preschooler needed the bulk of our focus again. As they’ve both grown and entered new phases, so have we. Our relationship has evolved as our family has grown. Our priorities have shifted. Our love has grown deeper. I feel so grateful that I married a man who also prioritized the needs of the growing family we created together, and that we both felt confident that we would come back together after the tougher baby phases.

And to OP- my apologies for this tangent on your thread. I just couldn’t stand to see some clearly narcissistic man-child claiming you neglected your spouse for caring for your young children.

PP here. I’m a woman. Nice try, though.

Yikes. That’s disappointing. Well, many say we can be our own worst enemies.

I pity you and women like OP who treat their husbands like second class citizen-servants once you pump out a baby. Sad. Not sympathetic, actually, at all.

Look it's an OW. AP must be on vacation with family.

Happily married, thanks!

Doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married, kids, husband wasn't happy because I didn't give him enough attention when the kids were little. He cheated. I changed/fixed absolutely everything. He acknowledged my changes, was remorseful, and things were better than they were at the beginning. I thought it was our second chance. Just recently found out he is now with someone else (and apparently was cheating with her during our "good period"). He definitely wants a divorce.

My story is not unusual. I just can't get past my pain. How do I do this? Why can't I see that him cheating is not a reflection on me? Why am I still trying to so hard to save this if I'm the only one? Part of my problem is that I hate change, crave familiarity, and truly, truly loved him. It's not just an "I can't find someone else" thing. It's that I want HIM, even though it makes no sense.

Any advice from BTDT people?

OP, slightly different situation. My ex also felt that he wasn't getting enough attention when our child was young. He was not able to see the things that he was doing that contributed to our terrible marriage. He made many agreements with me about how things would change but did not follow through on those changes. At the end of the day, all he seemed to care about was how often I had sex with him. I left him.

It has been 7 years since we divorced, and in those 7 years, he has shown me who he truly is as a person. He is a selfish individual who is not willing to compromise his own preferences and comfort for anyone, ever. There were times early in the divorce when I mourned the life that I wanted to build with him. As time went on and he demonstrated more and more what a selfish person he is, he stopped seeming familiar to me at all. At this point, he feels like a stranger that I happen to have a child with - a stranger who, if given the option today, I wouldn't even accept a second date with.

Right now, you look at him and see the person you married. I am here to tell you that he is not that person, if he ever was. He is someone else. The sooner you are able to see who he truly is, the sooner you will be able to move on.

NP : my experience as well. It’s difficult to see this now OP but you will with time. You took the high road now it’s time to let go of the illusion and move on. Life is too short!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Plus one, and this sisterhood of "you are blameless, he is an abuser" is useless blather. The "CHEATERS ARE EVILS ABUSERS" crowd would rename JFK airport and rescind MLK day because whatever good either did cannot be allowed to stand because CHEATER!

OP is much more introspective than her cheerleaders give her credit for. Hopefully she will take heed to the advice that it takes two to repair a marriage and she doesn't have a willing partner. She would be best to look into her legal rights and move forward, not try to recreate and relitigate the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

You were gaslighted. Big time. Cut your losses and move on. You will feel better in about a year. Get a good lawyer. He owes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Plus one, and this sisterhood of "you are blameless, he is an abuser" is useless blather. The "CHEATERS ARE EVILS ABUSERS" crowd would rename JFK airport and rescind MLK day because whatever good either did cannot be allowed to stand because CHEATER!

OP is much more introspective than her cheerleaders give her credit for. Hopefully she will take heed to the advice that it takes two to repair a marriage and she doesn't have a willing partner. She would be best to look into her legal rights and move forward, not try to recreate and relitigate the past.

Exactly. If you just shut your mouth he wouldn't need to smack you either.

People act like Ike turner didn't do great things.

[Anonymous]

OP you mentioned he cheated when the kids were little. I'm betting he cheated for most of your marriage. Now that the kids are older he's leaving which I think was the plan all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Plus one, and this sisterhood of "you are blameless, he is an abuser" is useless blather. The "CHEATERS ARE EVILS ABUSERS" crowd would rename JFK airport and rescind MLK day because whatever good either did cannot be allowed to stand because CHEATER!

OP is much more introspective than her cheerleaders give her credit for. Hopefully she will take heed to the advice that it takes two to repair a marriage and she doesn't have a willing partner. She would be best to look into her legal rights and move forward, not try to recreate and relitigate the past.

Exactly. If you just shut your mouth he wouldn't need to smack you either.

People act like Ike turner didn't do great things.

lol Yep the cheaters are all riled because as usual they blame everyone but themselves.

Yes Ike was a real beauty.

[Anonymous]

The b!tch made me do it.


Bwaaaaaa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.

He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.

Caring for babies and having them take priority in the early years isn’t neglect. Only a narcissistic man-child would think that way.

Why get married? Just get a sperm donor then. Don’t dupe someone into thinking you want to love and cherish them, and you know, HAVE A MARRIAGE, when you just wanted them to impregnate you. Cut it with the excuses.

Why did the guy get married to her. He should have stayed single if what he wanted was sex at every turn. So who should take care of the baby? Maybe he should have.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a very, very similar situation. DH also had an affair, with someone I knew, and continued it after he told me. I tried everything, thought we were doing better, but eventually found out he continued the affair and after it ended he still asked for a divorce. We have two young kids, and I was blindsided.

I found it helpful to spend some time mourning the life I thought we had. Truly just going through almost a short grieving process. I needed to process that even though I tried everything, he just wasn't the person that I *thought* he was to continue treating me in such a way. I mourned his lack of effort in our marriage, his blatant disrespect (re: AP) and narcissism (in retrospect), rewriting history, and the life I thought I had and wanted. While I never would have chosen it myself, I slowly moved from that grieving process to feeling empowered.

You can't control what he does. But you CAN control how you react and what you do with your life going forward. Stand up, be brave, make a plan, and figure out what brings you joy. I look for small things that give me peace, and put one foot in front of the other. So cliche, but you only get one life. Don't waste more time than you need to playing the what-if game.

Also, read Girl wash your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you mentioned he cheated when the kids were little. I'm betting he cheated for most of your marriage. Now that the kids are older he's leaving which I think was the plan all along.

Here's a secret from the brotherhood. Most of my friends cheated at least a little when the kids were Young because they were high libido and no sex at home. They are all still married and none to my knowledge are cheating now


It's a libido thing, men understand this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you mentioned he cheated when the kids were little. I'm betting he cheated for most of your marriage. Now that the kids are older he's leaving which I think was the plan all along.

Here's a secret from the brotherhood. Most of my friends cheated at least a little when the kids were Young because they were high libido and no sex at home. They are all still married and none to my knowledge are cheating now


It's a libido thing, men understand this

Your friends are dirtbags.

[Anonymous]

Do you want HIM or who you wish he'd been?