Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all have a common female ancestor from Africa.

OP's not curious about the person's humanity she's curious about their assimilation and whether or not this person is "American" enough for her kid to be around.

[Anonymous]

If you're getting to know someone and have a good rapport, is this phrasing okay?

"What is your cultural background?"

And then throw in something like "I'm supposedly a mix of Irish, German, and whatever."

[Anonymous]

I'm sure if you keep getting to know this family - that you will learn more about them. I wouldn't ask directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all have a common female ancestor from Africa.

OP's not curious about the person's humanity she's curious about their assimilation and whether or not this person is "American" enough for her kid to be around.

OP here. This is completely untrue and unfair. My daughter has proven herself to be a good judge of character and that’s all that matters to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're getting to know someone and have a good rapport, is this phrasing okay?

"What is your cultural background?"

And then throw in something like "I'm supposedly a mix of Irish, German, and whatever."

That's not culture, unless there are aspects of Irish, German, and Whatever culture in your life. That's where your ancestors are from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're getting to know someone and have a good rapport, is this phrasing okay?

"What is your cultural background?"

And then throw in something like "I'm supposedly a mix of Irish, German, and whatever."

That's not culture, unless there are aspects of Irish, German, and Whatever culture in your life. That's where your ancestors are from.

I'm Irish too.

I'm literally Do not cry unless a limb is hanging and then there is all the Catholic stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While many posters here recognize that it might be a tricky question, I'm surprised by those who are offended by the question. Surely it is racist to think it's fine to ask a white person about their background or accent but not ask somebody who obviously comes from a non-white European background. For the record, I am white and non-American. I am asked all the time about my accent, often by black Americans. I am never offended. Of course, I don't have the historical baggage and so would never assume that asking a non-white person the same question would automatically be construed as racism.

Accent is different than skin color. Surely you've lived long enough in the US to understand that treating people differently based on their skin color can get dicey. Accents are generally prefectly fine to ask about in the US, unless your point is to explain why you aren't able to understand what they are saying.

[Anonymous]

As someone who gets this a lot, I agree with PP. It’s ok to ask where did your parents grow up or where they are from. And if she says “Chicago,” then that’s it. I think what gets to me at least is the implication that the person is asking because of some idea of what it means to look American and because I don’t look like that, there’s no way I could be American with American parents and American grandparents. It’s why when I say my parents were born and raised here and my grandparents were born and raised here, I get annoyed when people then keep asking but where are they really from? They are really from the U.S. When someone does ask where my parents grew up, and I say california, and they stop asking questions, cool. Really the most polite thing to do is to wait for it to come up naturally. If you really must ask, stick to asking specifically about ancestry to avoid the implication that they can’t be from the U.S. I get a lot less offended when someone just asks me what my ancestry is if that is what they actually want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're getting to know someone and have a good rapport, is this phrasing okay?

"What is your cultural background?"

And then throw in something like "I'm supposedly a mix of Irish, German, and whatever."

Offering up some personal stuff definitely makes this question easier. But I'm curious whether it's really just the friend's mom's accent that is making OP curious or her skin color? If it's the accent that implies she was born in a different country, then I think it's okay to ask about. If it's the skin color that implies a race that OP can't place, then I have to wonder whether she also asks white people about their ethnic origins.

[Anonymous]

I'm a Latina have zero accent and I'm 100% assimilated. I get asked "where are you from" all the time. I am not offended in the least bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Americans get offended for the most irrational of reasons. It makes your case against true racism and xenophobia far less strong when you tear each other apart over ridiculous cases of "cultural appropriation" and weird hang-ups against asking people where they're from. "

yep.

I also know Americans who call anyone who is not white a foreigner. You can't pretend, especially in this age of ICE checkpoints, that these questions aren't sometimes loaded with subtext.

[Anonymous]

I grew up blonde and blue-eyed with parents from California in an East coast city where everyone was black, Nigerian, Kenyan, Hatian, Vietnemese, Hmong, Korean, Puerto Rican, Italian, Irish, Jewish, Polish, Ukranian, or some combination of some of those things.

People asked me where I was from All The Time. I soon learned California was not the answer they were looking for, and I was never offended.

I ask this question all the time because I like learning about people and places and other cultures. Ignoring difference--playing a game of "let's pretend it doesn't exist to show we are enlightened" is bullshit.

[Anonymous]

I encourage all non-whites when asked about their place of origin to bark, "EARTH MUTHAF***KA WHERE DO YOU THINK?!!"
If it becomes pervasive enough maybe white folks will stop asking that dumb ass question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Americans get offended for the most irrational of reasons. It makes your case against true racism and xenophobia far less strong when you tear each other apart over ridiculous cases of "cultural appropriation" and weird hang-ups against asking people where they're from. "

yep.

I also know Americans who call anyone who is not white a foreigner. You can't pretend, especially in this age of ICE checkpoints, that these questions aren't sometimes loaded with subtext.

Yup. My parents, who are of European ancestry and in their 80s, refer to anyone with East Asian ancestry as East Asian, even if they, their parents, and their grandparents were born in the US. (And then I tell my parents to stop doing that.)

[Anonymous]

I don't find OP's curiosity offensive. It's natural to want to know more about someone who's different from what we're used to. That said, someone who speaks with an accent (especially non-European or Aussie/NZ) might be self-conscious about it and if they get asked all the time where the accent comes from, then you can understand why they'd be weary of it already.

I agree that the info will probably reveal itself eventually in the normal course of chit chat.

And I'm giving a side eye to the posters who kept bashing East Asians/Chinese immigrants for their supposedly sensitive reactions to similar queries. Way to generalize and cast as "others."