Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?

[Anonymous]

What's with all the tip-toeing? ask em whatever the hell you want and if they get offended tell em go back to where they came from. It's done every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they’re in 4th grade and good friends your DD will be telling you soon enough.
My DD has a knack for knowing everything about her friends. It will probably Come up where the grandparents live, where they vacation. when parents moved here, Saturday language classes, etc.

I have always thought this was a negative thing, but a coworker who is Chinese asked another coworker “what are you”to another (who it turns out was Thai descent). She said she was interested and how else would she have found out.

That’s a lot of assumptions about travelling “back home”, Saturday school, etc. Not all immigrants do that. I came here at the age of 12 and speak with a slight accent. If you asked my DD where her grandparents live, she’d say “Virginia”, she doesn’t do “Saturday school” for my native language, I haven’t been back to where I’m from in over 20 years, etc. and notice how I didn’t use the word “home” to describe the country where I am from - I’ve lived here in the US for more than 2/3 of my life so this is home. My kids know the country I am from, but I am fairly certain that they wouldn’t think to bring it up unless asked very pointedly.

This is the exact answer you get from a Chinese person.

But Hispanic you get Peru, Ecuador, Argentina... then you talk about food.
Indian... they will say Pakistan or Sri Lanka or whatever.

So if the person appears to be Chinese don't ask...super sensitive.

[Anonymous]

I have a very unique last name and once in awhile people will ask me its orientation. I'm never offended when someone is just curious and polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's with all the tip-toeing? ask em whatever the hell you want and if they get offended tell em go back to where they came from. It's done every day.

OP is looking for a non-offensive way, though; not an offensive way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I knew it was a loaded question to ask here. I swear I am not racist. I am super nosy though - equally about all new people I meet. I immediately see if they have a FB page, search their address on whitepages.com, etc.

That said, message received. I’ll leave it be.

What does her Facebook page say about her? If you're nosy, you already know that you can poke around on her siblings' pages for clues, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's with all the tip-toeing? ask em whatever the hell you want and if they get offended tell em go back to where they came from. It's done every day.

OP is looking for a non-offensive way, though; not an offensive way.

People take offense to the attitudes and personalities of the people inquiring more so than the questions themselves. If some arrogant prick walked up and asked me something as simple as what's my astrological sign I'd probably be offended because its all in the tone and the texture. But if a kind courteous individual came up and asked me something ordinarily offensive like how many men my mother slept with before she got married I'd be fine cause they're good people and I know they don't mean any offense.

If the OP is good people she'll be fine she can ask whatever the hell she wants if she's a pompous jerk she could ask the time of day and people will be irritated with her.

[Anonymous]

First of all, OP, I like you. I can relate to your ethnological curiosity and your commitment to stalking lol.

I was born and raised here and my parents came 45 years ago from South Asia. I am ALWAYS curious about other people's ethnicity and background (anthropology major), but I'm also decent at placing last names and facial features or mannerisms with countries of origin. That said, I know to keep those guesses to myself and wait for the other person to offer it up naturally.

Sometimes I'll get curious about an ambiguous name (especially Spanish or Portugese names on an Indian-looking person) and I'll google the surname. This should give you a lot of hits from people from a certain country or region.

I usually do not get offended when someone asks me where I'm from - you can tell their intention from the look in their eyes. If it's a harmless friend or even stranger, I'll say "I grew up in DC but my parents are from X". If it looks like a nosy busybody, racist, or someone I just don't feel like engaging with, then I'll just say DC and change the subject or walk away. If you are genuinely friendly with this mom, I don't think you'll offend her.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who apparently looks Hispanic because people try to ask for her order in Spanish all the time.. then they look embarrassed. Whatever, she is not going to go all Manhattan lawyer on them, it's an innocent mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's sad that the culture of perceived microaggression has made asking someone where they are from a loaded question. I grew up understanding that this a basic conversation starter. SO much better than "what do you do?"

Agree with PP that asking if they grew up in the area is a reasonable alternative.

Well, sure, if you ask everybody, "Where are you from?" Do you do that? And what if OP's child's friend's mother answers, "Virginia"?

Then you can drop it, because it would be pretty obvious that she doesn't want to discuss her ethnic origins. But the question is fine.

I also think it's okay to mention that you noticed the mother has an accent and are curious about its origin.

-- Indian-American who think people who won't drop it when I answer 'Michigan' are unbelievably rude, entitled, and subtly bigoted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.

So have that chit chat -- "Did you grow up around here? Does Larla have grandparents nearby?"

Just avoid phrasing that makes it sound like you neeeeeeeed to know her ethnicity. The problem is, you do for some reason. Maybe think about that. If you can get past it, I suspect this information will come out in due course. As you say, it's normal conversation fodder.

I'm really struck by this statement. Do you really know? Every one of them, whether they are 1st, 2nd, 10th generation? Or are you assuming? It's perfectly normal to ask someone if they grew up nearby, or how long they have been in the area. Especially in DC where so many are from elsewhere. But the PPs have it right that you can't ask where they "are really from" or push about ethnicity just to know. Conversely, do you want them to probe the exact proportions of your German/Irish etc. make up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.

So have that chit chat -- "Did you grow up around here? Does Larla have grandparents nearby?"

Just avoid phrasing that makes it sound like you neeeeeeeed to know her ethnicity. The problem is, you do for some reason. Maybe think about that. If you can get past it, I suspect this information will come out in due course. As you say, it's normal conversation fodder.

I'm really struck by this statement. Do you really know? Every one of them, whether they are 1st, 2nd, 10th generation? Or are you assuming? It's perfectly normal to ask someone if they grew up nearby, or how long they have been in the area. Especially in DC where so many are from elsewhere. But the PPs have it right that you can't ask where they "are really from" or push about ethnicity just to know. Conversely, do you want them to probe the exact proportions of your German/Irish etc. make up?

OP here. I can’t tell if you question is to me or not. But yes, I know where all my friends grew up and roughly where their parents live now. It comes up at Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. One friend’s mother was raised in Germany and came here after college. I have three good Korean friends, all grew up in Nova but also speak fluent Korean and have their kids in Saturday Korean school.

And people are welcome to prove my ancestry but I know very little, not do I even know if what I’ve been told is even true or has been warped over the years.

[Anonymous]

"Americans get offended for the most irrational of reasons. It makes your case against true racism and xenophobia far less strong when you tear each other apart over ridiculous cases of "cultural appropriation" and weird hang-ups against asking people where they're from. "

yep.

[Anonymous]

^^^probe, not prove. I certainly couldn’t prove anything!

[Anonymous]

We all have a common female ancestor from Africa.

[Anonymous]

It shouldn't be that interesting to you, not compared to getting to know them in other ways. When you are friends w/the family you are likely to learn this.