If you are a SAHM with significant extra help to make up for lack of DH involvement...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I SAH, we have a high HHI, and my husband is very busy with work. We have: house cleaners, sitters, tutors, lawn people, pool people, accountant, dog poop cleaners, dry cleaning pick up, grocery delivery, chef service, personal trainers. I don’t feel guilty one bit.

“We” have a high “household” income.

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH, we have a high HHI, and my husband is very busy with work. We have: house cleaners, sitters, tutors, lawn people, pool people, accountant, dog poop cleaners, dry cleaning pick up, grocery delivery, chef service, personal trainers. I don’t feel guilty one bit.

“We” have a high “household” income.

LOL.

NP. That’s what it’s called, doofus.

[Anonymous]

Haven't been in this situation but I would do a functional analysis of what bums me out the most (evenings? week mornings? cleaning bathrooms?) and then hire help for that. I'd also put some money into fun activities for myself, like interesting exercise classes, a pottery class to lift my spirits, knowing that that will make the rest seem more manageable.

I knew a mom of toddlers whose DH was always away who hired a sitter to come over on Friday afternoons/evenings, and the mom would just read magazines in her bedroom and sleep. It was fantastic for her in that moment of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH, we have a high HHI, and my husband is very busy with work. We have: house cleaners, sitters, tutors, lawn people, pool people, accountant, dog poop cleaners, dry cleaning pick up, grocery delivery, chef service, personal trainers. I don’t feel guilty one bit.

“We” have a high “household” income.

LOL.

NP. That’s what it’s called, doofus.

Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say your DH is a biglaw partner, that could mean $350k a year, or $2m a year. I'm a biglaw partner, so I know. If he's on the low end ($500k or less), sure get a housekeeper and a few hours a week of childcare. But at that income, I don't think you can justify 20 hours a week of childcare, biweekly cleaning, a housekeeper, and lawn care.
.

.

Of course you can! I was a SAHM to two kids very close in age and our HHI was 400k. I had 20 hours / week of childcare / laundry help, biweekly cleaning and a lawn service. DH did travel a lot but was engaged at home.
I have now gone back to work and we keep the same set up (kids are in school now).

All of those things probably add up to $50k a year. You need to make $80-90k to net $50k a year after taxes. If i were your DH, i'd rather just take a lower paying job with less stress than his current one and not pay for all those things.

I actually think it sounds more like $30k/yr.
I have a job where I get paid hourly, and I pretty happily work an extra 5 hours every week so I can pay for 20 hours/wk of housekeeping, occasional babysitting when DH has an appointment, and a lawn service.

[Anonymous]

There be some jealous bitches here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There be some jealous bitches here.

Sure if you’d prefer an ATM machine to a husband and father, all sounds great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get your post. All the things you describe are typical of a SAHP (or a working parent for that matter). You need to speak to your husband about scheduling time with your daughter and cleaning up after himself. If you want to hire help, go ahead. I care for my MIL. I don't see what the big deal is. Its my choice. I could say no, but I do it so my kids can see and do the same for us.

What is different in my situation is the stuff I don't want to complain about.

Its not all that different than other individuals. I was a full-time caregiver to my MIL before we moved her to a nursing home. That is something to complain about... not helping with some paperwork and visiting.

There's a lot I haven't mentioned that I could complain about. The biggest thing is DH isn't a partner to me in many respects and it creates an ugly and stressful dynamic not to mention a lot of added work. When he is traveling for work and it is just me and DD, life is so much easier. There's more, but I don't want to spend time ranting.

It sounds like you are focusing on a manageable, practical issue without much emotional baggage as a way to avoid the issue that is more central to your life, marriage, and happiness and that supportive strangers can't easily address for you.

I've always worked outside the home (although I consulted from home when kiddo was in K-2nd grade) and I firmly believe you get however much help you need and can afford without compromising savings. Some of the hardest working people I know are SAH parents who don't outsource enough and are very needlessly worn out. So get an au pair or cleaners or a personal helper or whatever. You know what you need.

AND you've signalled clearly that you have marital issues. You need to take these on. And if you find, with counseling (for yourself too), that these problems are deep, you will have to take a good long look at long-term plans that include paid work. This isn't about the relative merits of WOH vs. SAH. It's about the fact that if you find your marriage can't last, it'll be much harder to make a transition every year you've been out of the work force.

So:
1) hire a vunch of help; and
2) get counseling.

[Anonymous]

About the expense: we pay a housekeeper $180 to come every other week to deep clean the house. Even going to once per week is affordable on a big law income. College students will gice great care for $15/hour. We did that a couple of afternoons per week and it worked great.

You have to be pretty sloppy to need 20 hours per week of housekeeping but it sounds like OP can afford it, so go for it.

Life's too short to clean your own toilets just to prove you're pulling your weight. I'm confident they don't ask about this kind of thing at the gates of heaven.

[Anonymous]

A 20 hour a week housekeeper does more than cleaning. Ours does all household laundry, dinner prep and other cooking, groceries and other errands, various other household projects as needed ... She also fills in when our nanny is out.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were little we had a part-time nanny and a weekly housekeeper. I went back to work for several years and we had a full-time nanny/ housekeeper. I'm back at home for a while now and my kids are older. Like you, I'm quite busy with volunteer work, staying relevant in my field as I plan to go back to work next year, family commitments, etc. We have a housekeeper who comes a 1/2 day M-F in the afternoons (she works for another family in the mornings). She can drive to pick up the kids from school if I have appointments and can cook if needed. I like cooking and picking up the kids so she mainly just cleans, does laundry, runs errands (grocery, dry cleaner, etc.).

Good luck figuring out what you need - I would feel zero guilt over outsourcing anything that is causing stress (like your DH's cleanliness habits).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found that housekeeping help is more useful than additional childcare. I hired someone 12 hours/wk to do all deep cleaning, laundry, and general organization. It frees up a lot of my time and general headspace.

Agree. We had a live in family friend from overseas live with us for the summer to help. She ended up cooking all our meals while I played with the kids a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There be some jealous bitches here.

Sure if you’d prefer an ATM machine to a husband and father, all sounds great.

Yeah, sorry... OP’s life sounds terrible and it sounds like she hates it. I mean this as a serious and non-judgemental question, OP: Why aren’t you divorced? What do you actually get out of this marriage? If it’s really just money, (a) think about whether it’s worth it to you really (especially as you have plenty of your own earning potential and might feel more fulfilled); and (b) if it is, definitely definitely don’t feel bad about spending that money.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation as you, OP.

First, I think it's NOT okay that your DH leaves trash lying around. My DH started doing that and I was NOT okay with it. We ended up in couples counseling, but it's been for the best. He now knows that he has to contribute to our family life and take care of his own messes, and making a lot of money doesn't change that.

Second, I SAH and we have weekly cleaners and a sitter come about 12-15 hours a week (one long day, one afternoon). Having one day to just be entirely without the kids is a life saver. I still use most of the day to get stuff done, but I go to a Starbucks to work.

I also see a personal trainer and spend a lot on beauty treatments, which is just something I find relaxing and enjoyable and makes me feel like less of a full-time "mom".

We are comfortable where we are but I'm considering hiring a 20-hour a week housekeeper, since we can afford it. Just someone to do the laundry and general tidying and perhaps stay with my kids if I have a doctor's appointment on a day the sitter isn't here.

Don't feel guilty about hired help. People don't understand what it's like to be married to someone with such an intense job!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get your post. All the things you describe are typical of a SAHP (or a working parent for that matter). You need to speak to your husband about scheduling time with your daughter and cleaning up after himself. If you want to hire help, go ahead. I care for my MIL. I don't see what the big deal is. Its my choice. I could say no, but I do it so my kids can see and do the same for us.

What is different in my situation is the stuff I don't want to complain about.

Its not all that different than other individuals. I was a full-time caregiver to my MIL before we moved her to a nursing home. That is something to complain about... not helping with some paperwork and visiting.

There's a lot I haven't mentioned that I could complain about. The biggest thing is DH isn't a partner to me in many respects and it creates an ugly and stressful dynamic not to mention a lot of added work. When he is traveling for work and it is just me and DD, life is so much easier. There's more, but I don't want to spend time ranting.

It sounds like you are focusing on a manageable, practical issue without much emotional baggage as a way to avoid the issue that is more central to your life, marriage, and happiness and that supportive strangers can't easily address for you.

I've always worked outside the home (although I consulted from home when kiddo was in K-2nd grade) and I firmly believe you get however much help you need and can afford without compromising savings. Some of the hardest working people I know are SAH parents who don't outsource enough and are very needlessly worn out. So get an au pair or cleaners or a personal helper or whatever. You know what you need.

AND you've signalled clearly that you have marital issues. You need to take these on. And if you find, with counseling (for yourself too), that these problems are deep, you will have to take a good long look at long-term plans that include paid work. This isn't about the relative merits of WOH vs. SAH. It's about the fact that if you find your marriage can't last, it'll be much harder to make a transition every year you've been out of the work force.

So:
1) hire a vunch of help; and
2) get counseling.

This is a smart post.