If you are a SAHM with significant extra help to make up for lack of DH involvement...
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Anonymous
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Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.
I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post. Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it. This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat. |
Anonymous
I'm a FT working mom. You have my permission to outsource some of the work 
Seriously, don't sweat it. We outsource a fair bit - housecleaning, some yard stuff, big amazon prime users. We also had a nanny before our youngest started elementary which was a HUGE expense. I have a really flexible job AND a DH with a lot of flex as well and we don' t feel a bit guilty about it - why should you? If you can afford it do it. |
Anonymous
Wow, I was totally expecting the first post to flame me. Thanks for being supportive and nice! 
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Anonymous
| I don't get your post. All the things you describe are typical of a SAHP (or a working parent for that matter). You need to speak to your husband about scheduling time with your daughter and cleaning up after himself. If you want to hire help, go ahead. I care for my MIL. I don't see what the big deal is. Its my choice. I could say no, but I do it so my kids can see and do the same for us. |
Anonymous
| How old is your child? When my first was a toddler I did part-time WAH and would get babysitters to watch my child 2-3 hrs at a time. With summer coming, you could probably easily find a college student to watch your kid a few mornings a week, which would free you up to take care of other things. |
Anonymous
| My cousin has a DH who lives out of state about 4 days/week. She's a SAHM with 3 kids. When he is home he's pretty involved, but she's essentially a single mom when he's gone. They met in graduate school so she's not a trophy wife either. She has a cleaning person, someone who mows the lawn, and her mom lives with them which is obviously a big help with chlld care. Her husband makes plenty of money (by working in a big city away from their home) and I think part of the deal for having him away was that she gets to spend some of it for help around the house. Taking care of kids on your own is hard work and it sounds like you do a lot of extras on top of that. I wouldn't feel bad about spending money on help, especially with your HHI. Hopefully your DH doesn't see a problem with it either. |
Anonymous
| When I was SAH I had a weekly cleaner, I had DS in tot time 5x per week in the mornings, and a once weekly babysitter for date night. DH took DS one weekend morning so I could sleep in. Perfect. |
Anonymous
| If you have the money, I see nothing wrong with hiring extra help. If I were you I would figure out what you like to do the least and hire someone to do that. |
Anonymous
| I have found that housekeeping help is more useful than additional childcare. I hired someone 12 hours/wk to do all deep cleaning, laundry, and general organization. It frees up a lot of my time and general headspace. |
Anonymous
| Weekly house cleaning service, dog walker (once a week, I do the rest), part time sitter for evenings (about 12 hours a week, she also folds laundry, straightens up the kitchen after dinner and vacuums), weekly lawn service. We hire a handyman as needed. I have kept the sitter even as a couple of my kids started full time school, to help me juggle extracurriculars/sports (so I don't have to drag all the kids with me each time). |
Anonymous
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When my child was a toddler/preschooler, DH was on extended travel outside the country. He was gone for several months at a time for a period of 2 years. There is no local family and, at the time, we hadn't been in the area long enough to have much of a network. I was a SAHM.
We outsourced yard work, had a weekly cleaner and I had a sitter 2 afternoons a week. In hindsight, that was fairly minimal and I could have used more time for myself before he hit preschool. Once preschool started, I gained a little bit more time for myself and also got to know other parents. It was still just me 24/7 for long stretches of time, but we made it work. Get the help you need. Your sanity and well-being is worth it. |
Anonymous
What is different in my situation is the stuff I don't want to complain about. |
Anonymous
Thanks, this is helpful to hear. |
Anonymous
How did you find this person and what is this position called? Our home is a disaster (DH recently moved half of his office belongings home) and I would love some help to organize. |
Anonymous
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It I were you, I would outsource basically everything except childcare, and get a good sitter. There’s no reason you shouldn’t have at least once or twice a week cleaners especially if your DH isn’t even bothering to throw his own trash away... and in that situation I might want a housekeeper to clean daily.
I’m SAH with DH in law though not bigoaw, and he helps around the house. We still have cleaners for the sake our marriage.
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