If you are a SAHM with significant extra help to make up for lack of DH involvement...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.

I'm also a SAHM with one child. I'm not sure what is so hard. It is actually ridiculously easy, I kind of feel bad not having a job. We do have an accountant, so not sure why I would tax plan. I assume you are high income, so it surprises me you do not have this. Our stocks do not take daily work (and we have many, DH has worked for a few start ups, a couple of that went IOP and we have generous grants form those past jobs).

My son goes to a small church based pre-school 5 days a week and when he is there I work out for about 1.5hrs, sit in the sauna most days, take a nice long hot shower, blowdry my hair, apply make-up and leave to get DS. We have lunch, play, often I take care of stufft that needs to be done while he plays by himself (it is good for kids to entertain themselves) we set up some play dates with kids from preschool from time to time (often is in drop off, so I will have another kid or two or he will be at someone's house).

There is only 3 of us so the house does not get too messy. We have house cleaners 1x a week and a lawn service that does our lawn and keeps things mulched and weeded and flowers planted. We are not DIY people, so when the house needs work, i call someone. IN general, I consider it MY JOB to run a calm and smooth household so he can come home and we can all relax as a family. I cherish my friendships, so I do go out 1-2 nights a week with friends in order to maintain those relationships. It is not too much for DH to be home when i need to go out.

maybe you have more going on. Could you be suffering from depression? Because I know I have a nice gig and it sounds like you should too. So many women I know do it with 3-4 kids.

Just to be clear, you have a ton of help: 5 days/week of preschool, house cleaning, a lawn service, and no DIY house stuff. Plus you don't have the emotional overhead of having a contentious spousal relationship.

Yes, and somebody who is a managing partner in her own private equity funds (and if she is not a managing partner how active is she in managing her equity funds?) and also managing real estate "developments" (what is she building strip malls?) should have the sense to have her kid is a part time pre-school. Not to outsource, but because it is good for her child's brain development. And to mow the lawn, scrub toilets, and repair the leaky faucet makes absolutely no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a full time WOHM and it recently dawned on DH and me that we can afford to outsource more so therefore we should! No shame in that. Do what works for you.

Serious question - why are people pointing out that they are not "trophy wives"? Why would this change the situation? Is a trophy wife expected to demand more paid help as part of the deal or something? I'm not trying to be judgmental, I'm honestly curious why this distinction is meaningful in this conversation.

Because shallow, insecure people (usually women) want to try to justify their own miserable existence. Somehow, trying to label other women is what they "think" works for them. However, since they are still miserable, no matter what they label other women, I would say it definitely is not working. We all know one or two of these, and we all avoid them (but probably pretend to like them to their face, to avoid their toxic wrath). If you don't know anyone this shallow and insecure, be grateful - most of us have grown up, but one or two in every circle seems to have not. Be glad you are not socially stunted, stuck in high school!

Actually I think it was a disclaimer to not let the conversation go way off base. So often on DCUM the conversation is derailed when people start labeling the stay at home mom of a high earning husband a trophy wife freeloader. I think otherwise it is not at all a meaningful to the discussion.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were little I had a nanny 20 hours a week and a weekly cleaning service.

[Anonymous]

When you say your DH is a biglaw partner, that could mean $350k a year, or $2m a year. I'm a biglaw partner, so I know. If he's on the low end ($500k or less), sure get a housekeeper and a few hours a week of childcare. But at that income, I don't think you can justify 20 hours a week of childcare, biweekly cleaning, a housekeeper, and lawn care.

Also, if you start outsourcing all those things with just one kid, your spouse is entirely justified in asking why you shouldn't just go back to work.

But my guess is you will end up divorced, given that your DH already sounds like a bit of an ass. Sorry. But most biglaw partners aren't like that. They may be absent a lot, but they're not outright hostile to their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say your DH is a biglaw partner, that could mean $350k a year, or $2m a year. I'm a biglaw partner, so I know. If he's on the low end ($500k or less), sure get a housekeeper and a few hours a week of childcare. But at that income, I don't think you can justify 20 hours a week of childcare, biweekly cleaning, a housekeeper, and lawn care.
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Of course you can! I was a SAHM to two kids very close in age and our HHI was 400k. I had 20 hours / week of childcare / laundry help, biweekly cleaning and a lawn service. DH did travel a lot but was engaged at home.
I have now gone back to work and we keep the same set up (kids are in school now).

[Anonymous]

Negotiate a post-nup, stat.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH wanted you to stay home so that he never, ever had to think about you, your child, or the household, it sounds like. What do you get out of this besides a boss who is generally pretty dismissive of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH wanted you to stay home so that he never, ever had to think about you, your child, or the household, it sounds like. What do you get out of this besides a boss who is generally pretty dismissive of you?

At the very least, USE THE MONEY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH wanted you to stay home so that he never, ever had to think about you, your child, or the household, it sounds like. What do you get out of this besides a boss who is generally pretty dismissive of you?

$$$$$$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found that housekeeping help is more useful than additional childcare. I hired someone 12 hours/wk to do all deep cleaning, laundry, and general organization. It frees up a lot of my time and general headspace.

+1

[Anonymous]

Get a housekeeper once a week. Get a sitter or nanny 10-15 hours a week so you can run errands, go to the salon, meet up with a friend without your kid. Not a very complicated issue.

Check out Care.com and NextDoor for referrals.

[Anonymous]

I SAH, we have a high HHI, and my husband is very busy with work. We have: house cleaners, sitters, tutors, lawn people, pool people, accountant, dog poop cleaners, dry cleaning pick up, grocery delivery, chef service, personal trainers. I don’t feel guilty one bit.

[Anonymous]

Friends of ours (both work out of the home, kids in school) have a housekeeper 4x/week who does cleaning, laundry, tidying, dishes, organizing. They pay 50/day and she is usually there 2.5 -3 hours .

OP, I would suggest this, plus you mentioned some organization challenges so you can hire an organizer for a specific set of places or issues in your home...

[Anonymous]

Does your house get that dirty from 1 preschooler that you need to hire someone to clean?
And is your preschooler not in preschool? Why hire childcare if your kid is in school, say, 3x/week?

Your dh is probably exhausted working 60 hour weeks that's he's too burnt out to throw out his trash and figures you don't do much during the day anyway, just pick up the trash on the way to the kitchen next time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say your DH is a biglaw partner, that could mean $350k a year, or $2m a year. I'm a biglaw partner, so I know. If he's on the low end ($500k or less), sure get a housekeeper and a few hours a week of childcare. But at that income, I don't think you can justify 20 hours a week of childcare, biweekly cleaning, a housekeeper, and lawn care.
.

.

Of course you can! I was a SAHM to two kids very close in age and our HHI was 400k. I had 20 hours / week of childcare / laundry help, biweekly cleaning and a lawn service. DH did travel a lot but was engaged at home.
I have now gone back to work and we keep the same set up (kids are in school now).

All of those things probably add up to $50k a year. You need to make $80-90k to net $50k a year after taxes. If i were your DH, i'd rather just take a lower paying job with less stress than his current one and not pay for all those things.