If you are a SAHM with significant extra help to make up for lack of DH involvement...

[Anonymous]

I know several families in your situation that loved having an au pair to get through the early childhood years. Might be something to look into if you are ok with having someone live with you (we weren't, but I understand others feel differently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get your post. All the things you describe are typical of a SAHP (or a working parent for that matter). You need to speak to your husband about scheduling time with your daughter and cleaning up after himself. If you want to hire help, go ahead. I care for my MIL. I don't see what the big deal is. Its my choice. I could say no, but I do it so my kids can see and do the same for us.

What is different in my situation is the stuff I don't want to complain about.

Its not all that different than other individuals. I was a full-time caregiver to my MIL before we moved her to a nursing home. That is something to complain about... not helping with some paperwork and visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my child was a toddler/preschooler, DH was on extended travel outside the country. He was gone for several months at a time for a period of 2 years. There is no local family and, at the time, we hadn't been in the area long enough to have much of a network. I was a SAHM.

We outsourced yard work, had a weekly cleaner and I had a sitter 2 afternoons a week. In hindsight, that was fairly minimal and I could have used more time for myself before he hit preschool. Once preschool started, I gained a little bit more time for myself and also got to know other parents. It was still just me 24/7 for long stretches of time, but we made it work.

Get the help you need. Your sanity and well-being is worth it.

This is pretty much what I've been doing, too, getting the bare minimum of help. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I am a fulltime WOHM and I say you should get all the help you need. Please don't feel guilty. Figure out what would help you the most and take care of it.

If you can afford it, consider starting with a daily housekeeper? Your point about your DH not picking up his trash and leaving it for you to pick up after him, that just seems so disrespectful to you. Your time is more valuable than that. If he can't be bothered to clean up his own trash, you can hire a housekeeper who can take care of the issue for both of you, as picking up his trash is really is not your job. Fully functional adults should pick up their own trash, no matter what their job is, and if he can't manage that, then that is a task that should be outsourced, not one that should fall to you.

Good luck, and again, please don't worry about this -- get the help you need.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP! We are so similar. Met my husband at law school, he's now a partner, I'm not a trophy wife, and am an unexpected SAHM of a preschooler (I worked the first few years of his life, with no plan to not work, but when our beloved nanny left to go back to school, I took "some time off" and here I am 2 years later.) My husband doesn't leave trash around (that sounds ridiculous, I'm sorry you have to deal with that) but he is mostly helpless and I run the house and all things child related for sure.

We have a cleaning person come once a month, and pay a lawn service to mow our lawn weekly. I have a babysitter come once a week for a few hours while I go to therapy. My son also attends part time preschool, which we of course pay tuition for, and that gives me a few extra hours a week to myself. I had a gym membership, but found working out at home was easier so we bought a treadmill and have a little home gym in the basement.

We are not lavish spenders at all (I'm fine with our teenage babysitter who asks for 10$ an hour, and my son goes to an inexpensive co-op community preschool) but that is more just our personalities than feeling that I shouldn't spend the money. When I need to outsource something I do it and don't feel guilty.

What kind of help are you contemplating? My cleaning person doesn't do laundry, but my neighbor's cleaning person changes the sheets and does laundry on top of cleaning and it's a game changer for her.

If your health and mental health are suffering, and you are in the financial position to pay someone to help, by all means do it!

[Anonymous]

It comes and goes for me.

Sometimes dh is so stressed, I specifically and voluntarily tell him, ‘I’ve got it.’ All if it. He can focus on work and coping with the stress. It’s not perfect, I chew him out every once in a while (not my best) for not doing *basic* stuff. At rare times, I get to go to bed early while he does dishes or something.

Over time, I actually expect it to get worse(worse? I mean less of him) as his career goes along.

Stay focused on relationships, instead of making yourself busy to keep up with other people or your/others’ expectations.

Focus on the Relationship between you and dh, your relationship with each child. Etc. Encourage his relationships, but ultimately he is responsible for how he chooses to show love to his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a fulltime WOHM and I say you should get all the help you need. Please don't feel guilty. Figure out what would help you the most and take care of it.

If you can afford it, consider starting with a daily housekeeper? Your point about your DH not picking up his trash and leaving it for you to pick up after him, that just seems so disrespectful to you. Your time is more valuable than that. If he can't be bothered to clean up his own trash, you can hire a housekeeper who can take care of the issue for both of you, as picking up his trash is really is not your job. Fully functional adults should pick up their own trash, no matter what their job is, and if he can't manage that, then that is a task that should be outsourced, not one that should fall to you.

Good luck, and again, please don't worry about this -- get the help you need.

I agree completely. If you can afford the help get it.

[Anonymous]

What is with all these SAHMs listing ‘investing’ as a core task? How much time can you possibly spend on this? Are you diving into financial statements or buying stocks on margin?

Also, a SAHM with a traveling for work DH is NOTHING like a single mom. Bollucks.

OP, your DH makes mad money but seems to take you for granted, so hire whatever help you need. I would plan to summer at the beach or something like that, it will help recharge to deal with all the other ‘ick’ you allude to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get your post. All the things you describe are typical of a SAHP (or a working parent for that matter). You need to speak to your husband about scheduling time with your daughter and cleaning up after himself. If you want to hire help, go ahead. I care for my MIL. I don't see what the big deal is. Its my choice. I could say no, but I do it so my kids can see and do the same for us.

What is different in my situation is the stuff I don't want to complain about.

Its not all that different than other individuals. I was a full-time caregiver to my MIL before we moved her to a nursing home. That is something to complain about... not helping with some paperwork and visiting.

There's a lot I haven't mentioned that I could complain about. The biggest thing is DH isn't a partner to me in many respects and it creates an ugly and stressful dynamic not to mention a lot of added work. When he is traveling for work and it is just me and DD, life is so much easier. There's more, but I don't want to spend time ranting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get your post. All the things you describe are typical of a SAHP (or a working parent for that matter). You need to speak to your husband about scheduling time with your daughter and cleaning up after himself. If you want to hire help, go ahead. I care for my MIL. I don't see what the big deal is. Its my choice. I could say no, but I do it so my kids can see and do the same for us.

What is different in my situation is the stuff I don't want to complain about.

Its not all that different than other individuals. I was a full-time caregiver to my MIL before we moved her to a nursing home. That is something to complain about... not helping with some paperwork and visiting.

There's a lot I haven't mentioned that I could complain about. The biggest thing is DH isn't a partner to me in many respects and it creates an ugly and stressful dynamic not to mention a lot of added work. When he is traveling for work and it is just me and DD, life is so much easier. There's more, but I don't want to spend time ranting.

Please get all the help you need and want without feeling guilty about spending “his” money. I don’t know what biglaw is good for if you’re not even going to reap the financial benefits. It’s a huge lifestyle and family sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is with all these SAHMs listing ‘investing’ as a core task? How much time can you possibly spend on this? Are you diving into financial statements or buying stocks on margin?

Also, a SAHM with a traveling for work DH is NOTHING like a single mom. Bollucks.

OP, your DH makes mad money but seems to take you for granted, so hire whatever help you need. I would plan to summer at the beach or something like that, it will help recharge to deal with all the other ‘ick’ you allude to.

Oh, there you are - resurrected from the last thread on this subject to talk about how dumb SAHMs are for saying they take care of financial stuff. Why not take OP at her word that it's one of a list of tasks that takes up time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is with all these SAHMs listing ‘investing’ as a core task? How much time can you possibly spend on this? Are you diving into financial statements or buying stocks on margin?

Also, a SAHM with a traveling for work DH is NOTHING like a single mom. Bollucks.

OP, your DH makes mad money but seems to take you for granted, so hire whatever help you need. I would plan to summer at the beach or something like that, it will help recharge to deal with all the other ‘ick’ you allude to.

OP here. It depends on how actively you invest and in what. A lot of people buy and hold stock and ETFs and that is fine and doesn't take much work. DH and I invest in these as well as limited partnership interests in real estate developments, private equity funds, among other things. DH just got on my case because I hadn't reviewed any of the paperwork for a new real estate investment and I recently missed a Q&A with the general partner because I didn't have childcare and was too exhausted, anyway.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM *with* a helpful, present DH. We have a cleaning lady 2x month (weekly for a few months since I’m heavily pregnant). Dc1 is in preschool and DC2 has a sitter 12hrs a week. When the baby comes I’ll have a sitter for her some hours a week too. We have groceries delivered often and do some takeout as well. Hire out as much as you want and can afford, I say.

[Anonymous]

He is disrespectful if he cant wrappers in thr garbage. I would not tolerate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.

Ok so my DH and I met in law school, and we've been out of law school for 25 years now, so he is a partner at in BigLaw. I was a consultant but it was impossible to work and travel on top of his schedule, so became a SAHM when the kids were little. We've been married now 20 years and kids are teens.

Like your DH, my DH is pretty messy and over time, in the slob department, we've become the poster couple in the concept of strict liability standard for party A (me) creating moral hazard in party B (him). I have made peace with that aspect (which was imo a healthy thing to do for both myself, and the marriage). Anyways, I get it that that is not the purpose of your post, but want to mention it because it's relevant to my suggestion.

Besides having cleaners come, say, once a week to do the hard cleaning, my suggestion is that you get someone in to clean your house multiple times during the week, before you get a nanny. This is where I made my error. I got a nanny and found myself working the kitchen and laundry while she played with my kids. I recall her coming one day and telling me to go to the store for supplies, and I was thinking, "Why am *I* going to the store while she plays with my kids?" It was because I had hired someone for the wrong position.

So imo the priority is get someone to help you out with the house. In particular, the never-ending laundry situation. And if they can watch the kids while you workout or get coffee with a friend, all the better. If not, then consider having someone watch the kids so you can do those things.

My friend (who has a similar situation as ours; husband travels a lot) has the perfect setup. She has cleaners once a week. She has a wonderful grandmotherly type come every weekday and they do the household chores together and my friend gets to workout etc. The lady does laundry. The kids are now teens and have to go different places after school, so my friend drives one and the lady drives the other.

(I've tried that situation but you have to get the right fit as they really become like family. I tried it with someone but while she was amazing, she was sort of dominating, and it didn't work out--I felt like I didn't need another dominating mother in my life! So you have to go at this slowly, try someone out and only increase the days if it's working for you.)

I admit to being a control freak and also was raised without anyone helping out in the home, so the idea of hiring help felt luxurious and also intrusive. I had to shelve my guilt etc and accept help. I'm glad that you are considering hiring help, OP.