If you are a SAHM with significant extra help to make up for lack of DH involvement...

[Anonymous]

I have been a SAHM while DH was deployed 6 months. I’ve done that twice.

And I’ve been a SAHM while DH worked late hours, basically coming home each night right after kids fell asleep.

And I’ve WOHM.

By far the hardest for me was dealing with DH’s late hours. He was stressed and contributed nothing during the week. By far the worst for me. It’s easier when he’s just gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have found that housekeeping help is more useful than additional childcare. I hired someone 12 hours/wk to do all deep cleaning, laundry, and general organization. It frees up a lot of my time and general headspace.

How did you find this person and what is this position called? Our home is a disaster (DH recently moved half of his office belongings home) and I would love some help to organize.

I just went under "housekeeping" on care.com. I did have to interview quite a few people before I found someone I clicked with.
I also had a part time sitter for a year when my older kids were little, but like a previous poster, I found that I was washing dishes while she was playing with my kids, and I wasn't happy with that situation.

[Anonymous]

Get some help, and no need to feel guilty . Some comments mentioned that you should get housekeeping but not childcare. I would disagree. I say find a housekeeper who can do deep cleaning and laundry, maybe some grocery shopping? Depending on what you can afford, offer her hours where she can get all this completed. Find someone for childcre maybe 2-3 times a week and that either leaves you to have time to yourself or to run errands etc
It all depends on how much hours you want to offer and what you would like these people to do. But I would say hire at least 2 people (one for housekeeping/cleaning etc and one for childcare)

[Anonymous]

Another wife of a Biglaw partner here. My DH is a terrific guy, but the demands of that job are intense. I have worked part-time on and off, but mostly SAH. With our first, we had a sitter a few hours a week and it was tough before preschool started. When our second was born, we got a mother’s helper every evening from 5-8 and then when he was 6 months we got an au pair. The au pair allowed me to spend some one-on-one time with each kid and not worry about doing two bedtimes at once by myself. I’m pregnant with my third and we will probably keep an au pair until the youngest goes to full time school.

We have biweekly cleaners and a service that takes care of the yard. I recently went back to work

[Anonymous]

I work part time. We have a full time nanny, part time housekeeper, cleaning service, and lawn service. Basically, evenings and weekends are 100% family time.

I would be pissed beyond belief if DH was leaving trash all over and thought it wasn't his job to clean up after himself, and if he didn't find time for the kids.

To me, getting help so that you can work or do other tasks in order to take some of that stuff that no one wants to do off your plate is a "nothing" conversation: if you have the money, why wouldn't you pay someone to do a lot of those things? But if your husband really never has interest in his child, that's damaging for her.

[Anonymous]

It's all very personal. When I SAH I liked cleaning and cooking, but I outsourced more childcare and spent $$ on gym and yoga. Looking back, driving totally stressed me and I should have hired for that! But lots of people like driving their kids and catching up with them and snacking in the car. And they don't like cleaning!

[Anonymous]

I'm a full time WOHM and it recently dawned on DH and me that we can afford to outsource more so therefore we should! No shame in that. Do what works for you.

Serious question - why are people pointing out that they are not "trophy wives"? Why would this change the situation? Is a trophy wife expected to demand more paid help as part of the deal or something? I'm not trying to be judgmental, I'm honestly curious why this distinction is meaningful in this conversation.

[Anonymous]

I was a stay at home dad when our youngest was born and now I work part time from home. However, we have a full time housekeeper and a part time after school nanny.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know a lot of women in similar situations (NOT trophy wives, as you are not - instead educated and accomplished, as you are). Other women can assume all untruths they want, your situation, financial or otherwise, is NONE of their business.

I think some insecure women want to assume "trophy wife" or "I could get someone like him (since my DH turned out to be a dud)". Truth is, they could not, IRL (and they know it). Point is, you don't have to justify what you are or are not - or what you are or are not doing - to anyone. Their life is their responsibility, and has nothing to do with you or your DH. Ever.

Do what works for you, and enjoy the life that your hard work, drive, timeliness, and gratitude has afforded you - in good health!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a full time WOHM and it recently dawned on DH and me that we can afford to outsource more so therefore we should! No shame in that. Do what works for you.

Serious question - why are people pointing out that they are not "trophy wives"? Why would this change the situation? Is a trophy wife expected to demand more paid help as part of the deal or something? I'm not trying to be judgmental, I'm honestly curious why this distinction is meaningful in this conversation.

Because shallow, insecure people (usually women) want to try to justify their own miserable existence. Somehow, trying to label other women is what they "think" works for them. However, since they are still miserable, no matter what they label other women, I would say it definitely is not working. We all know one or two of these, and we all avoid them (but probably pretend to like them to their face, to avoid their toxic wrath). If you don't know anyone this shallow and insecure, be grateful - most of us have grown up, but one or two in every circle seems to have not. Be glad you are not socially stunted, stuck in high school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a SAHM while DH was deployed 6 months. I’ve done that twice.

And I’ve been a SAHM while DH worked late hours, basically coming home each night right after kids fell asleep.

And I’ve WOHM.

By far the hardest for me was dealing with DH’s late hours. He was stressed and contributed nothing during the week. By far the worst for me. It’s easier when he’s just gone.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.

I'm also a SAHM with one child. I'm not sure what is so hard. It is actually ridiculously easy, I kind of feel bad not having a job. We do have an accountant, so not sure why I would tax plan. I assume you are high income, so it surprises me you do not have this. Our stocks do not take daily work (and we have many, DH has worked for a few start ups, a couple of that went IOP and we have generous grants form those past jobs).

My son goes to a small church based pre-school 5 days a week and when he is there I work out for about 1.5hrs, sit in the sauna most days, take a nice long hot shower, blowdry my hair, apply make-up and leave to get DS. We have lunch, play, often I take care of stufft that needs to be done while he plays by himself (it is good for kids to entertain themselves) we set up some play dates with kids from preschool from time to time (often is in drop off, so I will have another kid or two or he will be at someone's house).

There is only 3 of us so the house does not get too messy. We have house cleaners 1x a week and a lawn service that does our lawn and keeps things mulched and weeded and flowers planted. We are not DIY people, so when the house needs work, i call someone. IN general, I consider it MY JOB to run a calm and smooth household so he can come home and we can all relax as a family. I cherish my friendships, so I do go out 1-2 nights a week with friends in order to maintain those relationships. It is not too much for DH to be home when i need to go out.

maybe you have more going on. Could you be suffering from depression? Because I know I have a nice gig and it sounds like you should too. So many women I know do it with 3-4 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with all these SAHMs listing ‘investing’ as a core task? How much time can you possibly spend on this? Are you diving into financial statements or buying stocks on margin?

Also, a SAHM with a traveling for work DH is NOTHING like a single mom. Bollucks.

OP, your DH makes mad money but seems to take you for granted, so hire whatever help you need. I would plan to summer at the beach or something like that, it will help recharge to deal with all the other ‘ick’ you allude to.

OP here. It depends on how actively you invest and in what. A lot of people buy and hold stock and ETFs and that is fine and doesn't take much work. DH and I invest in these as well as limited partnership interests in real estate developments, private equity funds, among other things. DH just got on my case because I hadn't reviewed any of the paperwork for a new real estate investment and I recently missed a Q&A with the general partner because I didn't have childcare and was too exhausted, anyway.

Then you must have gobs of money, why is there even a question. At this point you should have a governess and an expert financial advisor. Were you in contracts law and finance before staying home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.

I'm also a SAHM with one child. I'm not sure what is so hard. It is actually ridiculously easy, I kind of feel bad not having a job. We do have an accountant, so not sure why I would tax plan. I assume you are high income, so it surprises me you do not have this. Our stocks do not take daily work (and we have many, DH has worked for a few start ups, a couple of that went IOP and we have generous grants form those past jobs).

My son goes to a small church based pre-school 5 days a week and when he is there I work out for about 1.5hrs, sit in the sauna most days, take a nice long hot shower, blowdry my hair, apply make-up and leave to get DS. We have lunch, play, often I take care of stufft that needs to be done while he plays by himself (it is good for kids to entertain themselves) we set up some play dates with kids from preschool from time to time (often is in drop off, so I will have another kid or two or he will be at someone's house).

There is only 3 of us so the house does not get too messy. We have house cleaners 1x a week and a lawn service that does our lawn and keeps things mulched and weeded and flowers planted. We are not DIY people, so when the house needs work, i call someone. IN general, I consider it MY JOB to run a calm and smooth household so he can come home and we can all relax as a family. I cherish my friendships, so I do go out 1-2 nights a week with friends in order to maintain those relationships. It is not too much for DH to be home when i need to go out.

maybe you have more going on. Could you be suffering from depression? Because I know I have a nice gig and it sounds like you should too. So many women I know do it with 3-4 kids.

Just to be clear, you have a ton of help: 5 days/week of preschool, house cleaning, a lawn service, and no DIY house stuff. Plus you don't have the emotional overhead of having a contentious spousal relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.

I'm also a SAHM with one child. I'm not sure what is so hard. It is actually ridiculously easy, I kind of feel bad not having a job. We do have an accountant, so not sure why I would tax plan. I assume you are high income, so it surprises me you do not have this. Our stocks do not take daily work (and we have many, DH has worked for a few start ups, a couple of that went IOP and we have generous grants form those past jobs).

My son goes to a small church based pre-school 5 days a week and when he is there I work out for about 1.5hrs, sit in the sauna most days, take a nice long hot shower, blowdry my hair, apply make-up and leave to get DS. We have lunch, play, often I take care of stufft that needs to be done while he plays by himself (it is good for kids to entertain themselves) we set up some play dates with kids from preschool from time to time (often is in drop off, so I will have another kid or two or he will be at someone's house).

There is only 3 of us so the house does not get too messy. We have house cleaners 1x a week and a lawn service that does our lawn and keeps things mulched and weeded and flowers planted. We are not DIY people, so when the house needs work, i call someone. IN general, I consider it MY JOB to run a calm and smooth household so he can come home and we can all relax as a family. I cherish my friendships, so I do go out 1-2 nights a week with friends in order to maintain those relationships. It is not too much for DH to be home when i need to go out.

maybe you have more going on. Could you be suffering from depression? Because I know I have a nice gig and it sounds like you should too. So many women I know do it with 3-4 kids.

Just to be clear, you have a ton of help: 5 days/week of preschool, house cleaning, a lawn service, and no DIY house stuff. Plus you don't have the emotional overhead of having a contentious spousal relationship.

And PP is asking WHY don’t you.