Working partners, do you resent your non-working spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, wow, ya'll are harsh! We don't plan to ever have kids, never wanted them. While it's true I don't bring in any cash to the relationship I do feel that I provide support in many ways and I think being a partner means more than what kind of paycheck one brings home. But I guess it's eye opening to see how people really feel about housewives! I appreciate those who actually answered the question and provided some insight.

Working mom here... It may seem like some are harsh, but I personally can't imagine being satisfied to live my life no personal ambition. I have raised two daughters (youngest is 15), kept a neat and orderly house, completed 3 graduate degrees, and still find time to take care of myself (e.g. running, etc...)... all while working full-time. Do you have any "goals" for yourself personally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife became a stay at home mom when our kid was born. that was five years ago. I make more than enough money so it was better for our kid that she stay home. I'm fine with her not working because even when she did work I made 4x her salary.

When our kid turned 2.5 she went to "pre-school" for three hours a day then five and now six hours. This fall she'll be in K and will be gone for 6-7 hours. I don't mind my wife staying at home. But, this is what bothers me.

1. When she doesn't keep the house clean. We only have one kid and she's pretty good. No reason not to keep the house clean.

2. She has "working out" at the bottom of her priority list. This is one of biggest annoying things she does. Right now she has six hours each day without our kid...shopping is priory #1 and "errands" which is basically returning stuff she has bought. It's not hard to take ONE HOUR in the mid morning to work out.

3. She doesn't want to learn how to cook well. I've been cooking for over 20 years (I started early in college) and I assumed when we finally had a kid she would WANT to learn how to cook - NOPE. She does cook, but it's the bare minimum. She prefers shopping at Trader Joes instead of cooking food from scratch. She has the time to learn, but it's not a priority.

Bottom line: For me (and I'm sure many man-hating women will disagree) if you're going to be a stay-at-home-mom do it well. I work 55-60 hours a week making a very good living. I expect my wife to be a very good house wife and mother. I think most men would agree, if stay at home spouses did their part everyone would be happy.

Newsflash: it’s not better for your kid for her to stay home. That’s your first wrong assumption. Check any studies. There are 100,000 out there.

I was a full time working mom and my kids would definitely have been better off if I was at home with them. I was constantly stressed out, exhausted, angry and neglectful. SAHMs who do the job right are more than earning their keep. To suggest that a woman can work full time and do a good job with child care and other home duties is anti feminist, in my opinion, especially as there are very few men who do anywhere close to 50 percent of the child care, housework, cooking, laundry, etc.

NP here. I'm sorry that was your experience. But please realize that some of us are in fields that are very family-friendly, low-stress, etc. I work in a very relaxed environment, and I literally never have to think about work after hours or take work home with me. I also negotiated for a flex schedule when I was offered a promotion/more money to stay. I said, keep the money, I'm working from home one day a week and my hours are 9:30-4:30 every day. I got it. It can be done. I'm fortunate, I'm never stressed and exhausted/angry/neglectful.

And what's more, I would never allow myself to be exhausted/angry/neglectful. I don't know a single working mother who would ever describe herself that way on a consistent basis. Mayyyyybe one bad day here or there, but not the norm.

Hey, overzealous working mom brigade: This post is about a woman who does not have and never wants children. Move along

...sez a SAHM or DH of a SAHM...

[Anonymous]

My mind can't comprehend what the OP is doing ALL DAY.

My situation: TWO WORKING parents, 5 young children. No family here to help. We wanted a large family but that costs money. We pay bills in the evenings, we do the dishes and cleaning in the evenings/weekends. I can't imagine being home ALL DAY with no children and not working. I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I call troll on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My mind can't comprehend what the OP is doing ALL DAY.

My situation: TWO WORKING parents, 5 young children. No family here to help. We wanted a large family but that costs money. We pay bills in the evenings, we do the dishes and cleaning in the evenings/weekends. I can't imagine being home ALL DAY with no children and not working. I just don't get it.

Yawn...you choose to have 5 young kids. You have to be making a fortune with child care so give it up and stop complaining. One can afford it as they don't have so many kids.

[Anonymous]

OP Here...thanks again for those who posted thoughtful and honest replies, it makes taking the tough replies a little easier. Answers to what I'm hearing the most....

In re: does your husband seem happy?: Yes. Husband is happy with situation, but of course I want to be mindful of how he feels which is why I check in with him about this every so often and why I started this thread. As someone upthread mentioned, if you are going to be a housewife you have to be the best housewife. You'll just have to take my word for it but I think I am pretty damn good at it.

In re: Men don't want lazy, unambitious wives and You are a sad, boring, shell of a human with no purpose: I am educated and hardworking and am not a "lazy wildebeest" (that was a good one). I have a bachelor's degree and for the first 8 years of our marriage I out-earned my husband by double, so I didn't just waltz in and jump on the gravy train. I also didn't mention my hobbies or interests because it didn't seem germane to the question I was asking. But I have several interests/hobbies and friends/family that bring "purpose" to my life.

In re: I am bragging about my situation by posting here: Are you on crack?! I've read enough around these forums to know you don't come for a self-esteem boost. I legitimately wanted to hear about people's grievances because I want to be mindful of my situation and avoid doing anything that would cause resentment. As I said above my husband does seem happy, and tells me that he is...so I just wanted some outside perspective.

Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My mind can't comprehend what the OP is doing ALL DAY.

My situation: TWO WORKING parents, 5 young children. No family here to help. We wanted a large family but that costs money. We pay bills in the evenings, we do the dishes and cleaning in the evenings/weekends. I can't imagine being home ALL DAY with no children and not working. I just don't get it.

Yawn...you choose to have 5 young kids. You have to be making a fortune with child care so give it up and stop complaining. One can afford it as they don't have so many kids.

Our children aren't in childcare. We work alternating shifts. Some of our children are in school and our youngest will be starting soon.

Even if one can "afford" to be a non-working/unemployed spouse, how do you justify having no career or ambition? If the OP volunteered full time or even 3 days a week, I think that would be a different and respectable scenario.

[Anonymous]

I've read your replies, OP. I don't understand your purpose in life or why you can't work, even part time, and still accomplish cleaning up after.....yourself?
As a working mom of young children, I remember back to my kid free days and wonder, if you have no kids and your husband is at work, "who" do you clean up after?

I don't understand how you can feel good about yourself about not contributing. My family never expected me to stop working, even after having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here...thanks again for those who posted thoughtful and honest replies, it makes taking the tough replies a little easier. Answers to what I'm hearing the most....

In re: does your husband seem happy?: Yes. Husband is happy with situation, but of course I want to be mindful of how he feels which is why I check in with him about this every so often and why I started this thread. As someone upthread mentioned, if you are going to be a housewife you have to be the best housewife. You'll just have to take my word for it but I think I am pretty damn good at it.

In re: Men don't want lazy, unambitious wives and You are a sad, boring, shell of a human with no purpose: I am educated and hardworking and am not a "lazy wildebeest" (that was a good one). I have a bachelor's degree and for the first 8 years of our marriage I out-earned my husband by double, so I didn't just waltz in and jump on the gravy train. I also didn't mention my hobbies or interests because it didn't seem germane to the question I was asking. But I have several interests/hobbies and friends/family that bring "purpose" to my life.

In re: I am bragging about my situation by posting here: Are you on crack?! I've read enough around these forums to know you don't come for a self-esteem boost. I legitimately wanted to hear about people's grievances because I want to be mindful of my situation and avoid doing anything that would cause resentment. As I said above my husband does seem happy, and tells me that he is...so I just wanted some outside perspective.

Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

Hey then, good for you OP. If you're happy and he's happy, who are we to tell you otherwise? I think it's hard for a lot of us to relate to / comprehend how your lifes is on a day to day basis...and it's certainly a rare situation. I can tell you I would be quite bored and feel guilty and purposeless and depressed after awhile, so if you're not then more power to you. I agree people marry each other for reasons besides their earning potential - and if you guys don't want kids money is less of a concern anyways. Do you! Out of curiosity, will you describe a typical day? Did you work in a high stress field or otherwise hate your job? How did this decision come about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My mind can't comprehend what the OP is doing ALL DAY.

My situation: TWO WORKING parents, 5 young children. No family here to help. We wanted a large family but that costs money. We pay bills in the evenings, we do the dishes and cleaning in the evenings/weekends. I can't imagine being home ALL DAY with no children and not working. I just don't get it.

Yawn...you choose to have 5 young kids. You have to be making a fortune with child care so give it up and stop complaining. One can afford it as they don't have so many kids.

Our children aren't in childcare. We work alternating shifts. Some of our children are in school and our youngest will be starting soon.

Even if one can "afford" to be a non-working/unemployed spouse, how do you justify having no career or ambition? If the OP volunteered full time or even 3 days a week, I think that would be a different and respectable scenario.

I am home. I could not careless what someone like you thinks. You are living beyond your means it sounds like if you are that bitter about it. We live within our means so money is not an issue. I worked for many years. I know what I am missing and it didn't make me happy. I don't feel the need to volunteer and am content. Why does someone need career or ambitions? Why does someone need to volunteer? We are all going to the same place in the end... death. You are not nearly as valuable as you think in less you are someone important who has done amazing things and those folks are few and far between. The best thing you can do is to be there for your kids. I cannot imagine how you and your husband give 5 young kids enough attention especially if you split shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've read your replies, OP. I don't understand your purpose in life or why you can't work, even part time, and still accomplish cleaning up after.....yourself?
As a working mom of young children, I remember back to my kid free days and wonder, if you have no kids and your husband is at work, "who" do you clean up after?

I don't understand how you can feel good about yourself about not contributing. My family never expected me to stop working, even after having kids.

She is contributing in her own way. Contributing doesn't always mean financial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post can’t be true. Come on! Do you know anyone in theDC area with no kids, no job, and not actively looking for a job? No. Is OP a 23 year old sugar baby and married to her 55 year old sugar dad? Do those couples exist in DC? Fake post

Wow. I am surprised by this. I live in Cincinnati, but I know several people who fit this description. Come to think of it, I know several people in DHs family in LA who fit this description as well.
I am a little surprised to hear people say they don't know how they would fill their days. Right now I have four children and work part time, so that is my life. But I can "imagine" what I would do if I didn't have the kids with me all of the time and wasn't constantly cleaning up after them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here...thanks again for those who posted thoughtful and honest replies, it makes taking the tough replies a little easier. Answers to what I'm hearing the most....

In re: does your husband seem happy?: Yes. Husband is happy with situation, but of course I want to be mindful of how he feels which is why I check in with him about this every so often and why I started this thread. As someone upthread mentioned, if you are going to be a housewife you have to be the best housewife. You'll just have to take my word for it but I think I am pretty damn good at it.

In re: Men don't want lazy, unambitious wives and You are a sad, boring, shell of a human with no purpose: I am educated and hardworking and am not a "lazy wildebeest" (that was a good one). I have a bachelor's degree and for the first 8 years of our marriage I out-earned my husband by double, so I didn't just waltz in and jump on the gravy train. I also didn't mention my hobbies or interests because it didn't seem germane to the question I was asking. But I have several interests/hobbies and friends/family that bring "purpose" to my life.

In re: I am bragging about my situation by posting here: Are you on crack?! I've read enough around these forums to know you don't come for a self-esteem boost. I legitimately wanted to hear about people's grievances because I want to be mindful of my situation and avoid doing anything that would cause resentment. As I said above my husband does seem happy, and tells me that he is...so I just wanted some outside perspective.

Well, that was long and I've probably lost everyone...but I do have a question for the people dragging me for not working. Did you marry your spouse because they would add to your bottom line? Or did you marry them because you wanted a partner to share life experiences with and because you enjoy their companionship? Isn't it possible that my husband could appreciate me for the non-financial value I add to his life? Or simply because I don't go out and bring home a paycheck, or because I didn't birth his child he can't really respect or love me? That seems like a pretty dim view on marriage doesn't it?

I always expected to support myself, and in my mind, that's what adults do. I simply can't wrap my head around expecting some other person to pay for the food I eat and the clothes I wear. Being able to indulge your whims isn't an entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post can’t be true. Come on! Do you know anyone in theDC area with no kids, no job, and not actively looking for a job? No. Is OP a 23 year old sugar baby and married to her 55 year old sugar dad? Do those couples exist in DC? Fake post

Wow. I am surprised by this. I live in Cincinnati, but I know several people who fit this description. Come to think of it, I know several people in DHs family in LA who fit this description as well.
I am a little surprised to hear people say they don't know how they would fill their days. Right now I have four children and work part time, so that is my life. But I can "imagine" what I would do if I didn't have the kids with me all of the time and wasn't constantly cleaning up after them.

I can imagine this for 6 months, a year even...sure. It would be awesome to have all that time totally free to do whtever the heck I wanted - I'd work out every day, go explore museums, get more into keisurelt cooking, schedule lunches with friends, redesign the house, organize the garage, straight up just RELAX and read a bunch of books or binge watch tv shows I've always intended to see but have never gotten around to. But after awhile...I dunno, I think I'd run out of (interesting, meaningful) things to fill my time with. With literally nothing going on, no responsibilities or obligations...I would start to be bored and feel purposeless. That said, if in some alternate world I didn't have kids and could somehow finagle working 3 days a week...I TOTALLY would. More downtime would be amazing. But constant, all day, every day downtime...I dunno, I guess I don't get it! What do you DO all day?

[Anonymous]

Your husband probably likes the idea of you staying home and doing nothing but taking care of him because deep down in his head, he probably thinks that with time you will fall on something that you really enjoy doing. And he is thinking that there is no rush at the moment because you guys do not need any extra income and it is nice to have his beautiful wife home with him when he gets back from work.

I know women who stayed home without kids, and they eventually found their calling. They were lucky that they had the opportunity and means to volunteer, have some downtime and try several things before committing to a business or some form of "unconventional employment(some writing books, teaching yoga, starting online stores, etc.)

Your plan may be to never work for money. But if you are a typical person, you will change your mind soon enough.

If you do not, there is an almost certain probability that your husband and all those around you would begin to wonder if you have some issues. Who volunteers for 30 years of their life without pay, unless you are doing something else, like raising kids for example.

If you are not insane, you would find something to do one day, even if it is for little pay.