Boyfriend lets Ex write checks out of his account

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Dad.

I don’t understand your reaction. This seems like a perfectly sensible setup to me for a coparenting situation.

Agree. You sound jealous and controlling. Rein it in before you completely ruin things, unless it’s too late. When you date a divorced parent, you simply have to be a very confident and secure person.

[Anonymous]

How does a text from her to him pop up on your laptop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok noted. I just think its odd an ex spouse would have direct access to his funds. But I guess I am wrong.

If you have kids and an amicable split and a history of say 10 or 20 years with this person (Ex) then I am more inclined to trust her with a few blank checks than someone I'm dating, short term, comparatively.

[Anonymous]

MYOB OP. This is how they are doing it. Interfering can only backfire on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he and his ex have a healthy ex relationship. I'd be encouraged OP, not discouraged.

That is not a healthy relationship. Ex rules the show. Imagine how bad it will be when they get married. Will she expect OP to contribute too?

Maybe he initiated the arrangement. We don't know. Anyway, she asked permission before using the check, and she always tells him what she writes the checks for. How does this translate into "Ex rules the show"? I see two mature adults who have worked out a reasonable arrangement for providing for their child.

[Anonymous]

They are his children!!! Come on! Of course he’s going to pay for things! Who cares if he physically hands her the check vs. having her write one from the checks he’s giving her. If she never misused it and he trusts her I don’t see an issue. His kids should come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

That's not the point. The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money. OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together. He hasn't moved on from his first marriage. Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees. No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it. Personally I'd run fast. I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me. I married a guy with kids. If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail. Done. It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.

Divorced mom here. Love your assumption "mom can front the money". Frankly, it isn't my job to "front my husband the money". He is a parent and he is equally responsible to pay for cheer camp by the due date. If he wants to bank transfer, pay pal or whatever directly himself by the due date fine. If it were my husband who did that, and he gave me checks to pay on his behalf, then I'd do it as a courtesy, but frankly, it's ME who's doing HIM the favor by freeing him of the administrative responsibility of bill paying on behalf of the kids. If I didn't do it, then he's got to track and pay for stuff on his own -- it's not my responsibility to remind him.

FWIW, I don't have checks, and I am often left to pay for things for the kids and sometimes it takes my Ex a couple of weeks to pay me back. Meanwhile I am accruing credit card interest by carrying his financial load. It's not fair.

Your credit card doesn’t have a 30-day grace period? Do you routinely not pay your bill on time? How are you accruing interest in two weeks?

Ahhh. The sexism emerges. Blame the victim. It's her fault because she doesn't pay her bill on time. Or it's her fault because she doesn't have enough cash to stretch to cover him. It's not the fault of the person who doesn't pay his half on time, it's the fault of the one who deals with the consequences that flow from his failure.

I pay my bill regularly on time. But, clearly you don't understand how a grace period works. If you pay your bill on time *in full* every month, then the grace period applies and you will be able to charge something without accruing interest until the bill due date. But, if you pay your bill on time but not in full every month, then there is no "grace period". Each additional charge on a unpaid balance adds to the average daily charge and accrues interest. Yes, I do use my credit card to pay for things I cannot afford in full -- like the unexpected $1000 car repair bill. So, if I have to use my credit card to cover my exDH's bill, then I am accruing interest on his behalf. Here are some other ways I have had to accrue interest because he didn't pay on time -- I took $$ out of my interest bearing savings thus losing my interest earnings, had to make an unplanned stock sale thus accruing a sales fee and trigger tax obligation, had to write a check that would be covered by my overdraft protection thus accruing interest, had to make cash withdrawals from my credit card, had to put a piece of jewelry down at the pawnshop in order to cover exDH when he failed to meet a large obligation for which I had to cough up the money same day (that was expensive).....

Fees for the kids aren't always told to me in advance. Unexpected opportunities crop up -- a weekend at a leadership retreat, a trip with the family of a best friend, etc. Even planned opportunities are not always easy to split the bill for. I can't always pay with a credit card, so even if my balance is clear, I might not be able to take advantage of that free way to put off paying. Sometimes the website is set up so the payment must be made all at once on one card, so there's no easy way to split payments between 2 parents. (Crazy in this day and age that schools, sports clubs and other places that market to or deal with kids don't understand this and set up processes that take divorced families into account given how many of us there are....) Or some activities just don't take a credit card, rather only check.

I earn enough to cover my share of the kids expenses. I do not earn enough to unexpectedly cover Ex when he randomly pays late or reneges on a promise to pay. (What am I going to do, take him to court over the $500 he refused to pay for DC's unexpected medical expense? I'd pay ten times that in legal fees.)

Our child support agreement is clear, and it is the same arrangement that many, many parents have -- child support is a percentage of income. On top of child support, Ex is required to pay half of -- sports or other kid activities (anything over $100 total for the year), half of medical copays, half of educational expenses, half of college.

Believe me, I don't make a profit on child support. Needless to say, like many parents, child support does not cover 50% of what I actually pay for the kids in terms of clothing, food, shelter, utilities, etc., but I agreed to percent of income and that is what I get. On top of that, my Ex decided he didn't have the willingness or capability to do 50% custody. So, on top of paying more than 50% of the true cost of raising the kids, I am also, as happens with many custodial parents, spending time doing his share of parenting, time that could have been devoted to my career advancement, thus seriously and negatively affecting my earning power. Ex has never stayed home sick with the children, has never had to take off work or refuse a business trip because of the kids. This has had a positive effect on his career. Of course, I expected to spend parenting time on my kids, but my Ex's abandonment of these responsibilities has also had a financial impact on me.

So, I am pretty irritated when I see PPs blame the victim. And, I'm sure this post won't stop that -- people will still chime in and blame me for picking a bad one, blame me for not making more money, blame me for making it all about money, blame me for having full custody (I must have stolen it or alienated dad), cast me for being an unloving mom who doesn't want to cheerfully do it all for her kids, cast me as an unhappy Ex who is jealous of the new wife, etc.

Whatever. I know the real deal. Ex doesn't live up to his 50% of parenting time and financial obligation to the kids. That's on him. That speaks to his character. It's not my job to make or beg him to do it. It's not my job to be his administrative secretary or his social fixer for his kids. So, I can live with that. But, I will not pretend that it's right, or normal or that I'm happy about it.

OP ought to seriously think about what she is complaining about. Her BF clearly has a good relationship with the ex and has found a way to pay his bills for the kids in a timely fashion. He should get credit for that. As to other PP's who have said things that imply that BF's money will be OP's money when they are married, that is not true necessarily. Most states are community property states, thus half of all money would be BF's to do with as he pleases. BF can set up any bank accounts he wants and designate whomever he pleases as the beneficiary upon his death (bioMom or kids). If OP found out about it and sued, she might be able to prevent the transfer to the beneficiary if she can show that the funds that went to that account exceeded BF/DH's share of marital assets, but I'm guessing that the amount is not that big. Also, the assumption that OP, if married, would inherit automatically all assets is false. Most states typically have a law that a spouse must inherit only a certain share of joint assets (typically not mandated to be more than half). Many states have mandated asset shares for minor children (so kids can't be easily written out of will when minors). And DH can write a will and leave money to whomever he pleases, typically as long as it doesn't violate any state-madated shares).

Frankly, if I were the BF, OP's question would be a serious red flag to me flagging concerns about OP. She has shown she doesn't have the capacity to be in a serious relationship with someone who has other financial and emotional obligations.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, my concern is her having blank checks - I'm assuming he signed them if she doesn't have signing authority on his account. What if she loses them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does a text from her to him pop up on your laptop?

OP here. I looked into this and I guess it has something to do with an apple cloud. His texts sync up to our laptop. I have thought a lot about this and Im fine with it. It seemed odd to me but you all have schooled me and shamed me enough to let it go!

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your concern. But you are wrong. And, you will need to change your overall attitude if you want this relationship to work.

I have children. My boyfriend has children. We are both going through divorces. There is a spectrum of how they are dealt with, and we fall on extreme opposite ends. His is awful, with lawyers and parent coordinators and zero trust on any side. Mine is being handled completely amicably and with complete trust. My ex and I were married for 18 years. It is very clear that we shouldn't be together any more. But we know each other extremely well, and neither of us has the slightest reason to not trust the other, especially with regard to finances. I have absolutely no reason to think that I would ever need to completely cut him off from any of my accounts. Our goal is always to get to the right conclusion in the fastest and most fair way, with us both looking towards fairness from both sides. It sounds like your boyfriend is in a similar situation. Be extremely grateful and either accept that as a very huge positive sign or GTFO of their situation before you ruin it.

[Anonymous]

Op, re-visit this when you get married. You will need to keep separate accounts as a part of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, my concern is her having blank checks - I'm assuming he signed them if she doesn't have signing authority on his account. What if she loses them?

This is stupid and sexist. She is a grown woman not a toddler. The chances she would lose a few blank checks are not greater or lesser than losing a checkbook with unsigned checks. Plus, she's demonstrated a level of responsibility sufficient to prompt Dad to give her the checks, so presumably she would let him know if they were lost (she got mugged or house is robbed or something.)

Don't treat women like babies.

[Anonymous]

They have kids together, and this seems like a fair situation. Easiest way to handle things. You sound like a jealous shrew. He takes care of his kids, and their financial needs? I am sure you would find something wrong with him going to the camp.... to pay his share and that taking 3 hours of his time that he should be with you. Plus you are just a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, my concern is her having blank checks - I'm assuming he signed them if she doesn't have signing authority on his account. What if she loses them?

This is stupid and sexist. She is a grown woman not a toddler. The chances she would lose a few blank checks are not greater or lesser than losing a checkbook with unsigned checks. Plus, she's demonstrated a level of responsibility sufficient to prompt Dad to give her the checks, so presumably she would let him know if they were lost (she got mugged or house is robbed or something.)

Don't treat women like babies.

Yes, EX sounds like a grown up, girlfriend sounds like a teen or immature. Seems that ex DH knows what is going on and would notice if she was losing checks or stealing. Girlfriend from hell, are you mad he is spending money on his kids when it should all be spent on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, my concern is her having blank checks - I'm assuming he signed them if she doesn't have signing authority on his account. What if she loses them?

Do you think someone at the bank actually looks at the signature on a check? Hahahahahaha!