Boyfriend lets Ex write checks out of his account

[Anonymous]

She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

[Anonymous]

Sounds convenient for both, like they communicate extremely well, trust each other, and have a happy co-parenting arrangement.

What, you'd rather be with a man who has an acrimonious relationship with his ex-wife and mother of his children?

[Anonymous]

Sharing kids is a bigger deal than sharing checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

That's not the point. The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money. OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together. He hasn't moved on from his first marriage. Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees. No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it. Personally I'd run fast. I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me. I married a guy with kids. If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail. Done. It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.

[Anonymous]

The only red flag is that you can't handle being in this situation. He needs to run now. If he's going to be with someone besides his kids' mom, it needs to be someone more confidant and understanding than you.

[Anonymous]

Why does it make you uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok noted. I just think its odd an ex spouse would have direct access to his funds. But I guess I am wrong.

No you aren't wrong. It would really concern me.

I wouldn’t give anyone access to my finances like that, because it’s not how I operate, but it seem to work for them.

That said, to me, OPs boyfriend is signaling that OP is not a long-term plan. Three years of dating with no ring, and he snaps at her when she asks about this set up with the ex. He probably loves and trusts her more than he’s let on.

[Anonymous]

My husband used to do this with a credit card. He argued that she never abused it but it was a no for me.

I didn't like it so he stopped.

Things are so much more organized now that she knows to tell him what she needs so that it can be apart of the BUDGET. For me, it was more so about financial wellness rather than her having access to his money. There wasn't any which was part of the problem.

We had the conversation while we were still dating because I didn't want ANY one other than my husband and myself having access to our money for any reason. Exes don't get a pass. You have been dating for 3 years and you live together you are allowed to voice your opinion. I hate when people at like you can't say anything to rock the boat with an ex. HOGWASH.

Honestly, a compromise it would be to always keep a certain amount of that money in a checking account for the child but I wouldn't put any joint money in that account or pay any bill out of it. It would be just for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Loves and trusts his ex that is ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband used to do this with a credit card. He argued that she never abused it but it was a no for me.

I didn't like it so he stopped.

Things are so much more organized now that she knows to tell him what she needs so that it can be apart of the BUDGET. For me, it was more so about financial wellness rather than her having access to his money. There wasn't any which was part of the problem.

We had the conversation while we were still dating because I didn't want ANY one other than my husband and myself having access to our money for any reason. Exes don't get a pass. You have been dating for 3 years and you live together you are allowed to voice your opinion. I hate when people at like you can't say anything to rock the boat with an ex. HOGWASH.

Honestly, a compromise it would be to always keep a certain amount of that money in a checking account for the child but I wouldn't put any joint money in that account or pay any bill out of it. It would be just for the kids.

You were married and presumably sharing finances. OP is doing neither.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

That's not the point. The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money. OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together. He hasn't moved on from his first marriage. Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees. No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it. Personally I'd run fast. I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me. I married a guy with kids. If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail. Done. It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.

OP and boyfriend have separate finances. How he and the ex share costs of their kids has nothing to do with her. He is comfortable with giving his ex access to his accounts via a few blank, signed checks. How does this affect OP exactly? Why is it a red flag? If he had another system where ex texts him and he Paypal's to her immediately, how is that really different? He obviously knows she has the checks and the check numbers. It's not like he won't know who used the money and for what if he logs into his account regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok noted. I just think its odd an ex spouse would have direct access to his funds. But I guess I am wrong.

I would only be worried about this insofar as it meant that ex-spouse would have access to MY funds. Since you and he do not share finances, that's not what's going on here. It's something that, realistically, you get to bring up then and only then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

That's not the point. The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money. OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together. He hasn't moved on from his first marriage. Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees. No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it. Personally I'd run fast. I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me. I married a guy with kids. If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail. Done. It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.

Yup, the whole mess seems sloppy. At the very least, the OP needs to resolve right now to never co-mingle finances with that guy.

[Anonymous]

It is an unusual arrangement, but as long as the ex isn't abusing it by taking out more than what he agrees to, I think it's actually a good sign that he has been able to maintain a constructive, trusting relationship with his ex.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I have a credit card we share (he’s an authorized user). We charge kid things to that and split the payment. We get along, so no issues. I’d laugh if his new wife threw a hissy fit over it.