Boyfriend lets Ex write checks out of his account

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

Not to pile on you too much but maybe this is part of the reason he snapped when you told him the arrangement makes you uncomfortable. You don't want the commitment/obligations of marriage yet you call him out for an arrangement that you would only have a say in if you were married and combined finances. He can't win either way.

We don't know enough about OP's situation to judge her level of commitment, obligation, responsibility, etc. You are assuming a lot about the nature of their relationship based on her lack of interest in a piece of paper.

Good for you, OP. And I agree with you that in 2018, this discussion about marriage is pretty sad.

And I'm posting as someone who thinks OP's concerns about the financial arrangements with the ex are misguided.

We know she doesn't want to be married again because she says it. Clearly she sees a difference in the level of commitment between marriage and living together with separate finances. Marriage is a "piece of paper" as you say but it signifies legally certain commitments and obligations, including financial. You have to work around these through other means (pre-nups, wills, trusts, etc.) to avoid those obligations. So, yes, I think it is fair to surmise that she doesn't want to take these on and BF probably has the same takeaway. His frustration seems justifiable in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is unusual, but I could actually see me and my ex doing something like this. We trust each other. We have keys to each other's houses. When he's on a deployment, I collect his mail and drive his car to keep the battery charged. He'll give me checks for his deployment in advance, trusting me to cash them only when I'm supposed to. I've left him an "in case of my death" file so he can access stuff if something happens to me. He doesn't trust paypal or other online services so checks work for us.

It's not like the ex has access to all of his accounts - she has access to one account they've designated for their kid. He must know she wouldn't abuse the privilege.

Yours is a very different situation than OP. Yours makes lot of sense and more things are shared, especially if the kids are on Tricare. Its also an issue if he has any kind of bank fraud as if he is deployed it may not be as easy for him to correct. If there was a long term girlfriend or spouse, I doubt you'd continue to drive the car and do the mail as she'd be the one handling it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHY ARE PEOPLE SO OBSESSED WITH MARRIAGE? Is this the 1950s and all that matters is getting a ring?

I wish people would focus on meaningful relationships and not an outdated model where women are cheating themselves unless the man "commits".

Meanwhile, married women are posting about how their men are not committed in daily life--not emotionally available, not carrying their weight in parenting, etc.

Getting married is not the end-all-be-all.

Health care, social security, spousal rights to make legal decisions (I'd rather my spouse vs. my parents make decisions) and much more. If we divorce, I get 1/2 of the assets in marriage and would probably get child support and at least temporary alimony. If we separated/no marriage I wouldn't get much of anything. Why be scared off of marriage? You can always divorce.

My husband shares his weight in everything, especially parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

Then maybe this is the issue. He wants a commitment from you and you aren't willing to give it. If you were married, I could see you having an issue. He asked, you refused so looking at it from another perspective, it is none of your business. I supported you until you said he will marry you and you refuse. I'm assuming you don't want kids so it doesn't really matter as much but if you refuse to commit to him why should you get a say. I do think giving blame checks is not a good idea but what ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

Do you view this as a permanent relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he snapped at you when you asked an innocent question is a red flag IMO. I’d be curious as to why they still have this arrangement many years later too.

Not only that, he was nasty about it.

I am going to hazard a guess that OP wasn’t kind when challenging it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

That's not the point. The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money. OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together. He hasn't moved on from his first marriage. Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees. No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it. Personally I'd run fast. I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me. I married a guy with kids. If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail. Done. It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.

Divorced mom here. Love your assumption "mom can front the money". Frankly, it isn't my job to "front my husband the money". He is a parent and he is equally responsible to pay for cheer camp by the due date. If he wants to bank transfer, pay pal or whatever directly himself by the due date fine. If it were my husband who did that, and he gave me checks to pay on his behalf, then I'd do it as a courtesy, but frankly, it's ME who's doing HIM the favor by freeing him of the administrative responsibility of bill paying on behalf of the kids. If I didn't do it, then he's got to track and pay for stuff on his own -- it's not my responsibility to remind him.

FWIW, I don't have checks, and I am often left to pay for things for the kids and sometimes it takes my Ex a couple of weeks to pay me back. Meanwhile I am accruing credit card interest by carrying his financial load. It's not fair.

Your credit card doesn’t have a 30-day grace period? Do you routinely not pay your bill on time? How are you accruing interest in two weeks?

Ahhh. The sexism emerges. Blame the victim. It's her fault because she doesn't pay her bill on time. Or it's her fault because she doesn't have enough cash to stretch to cover him. It's not the fault of the person who doesn't pay his half on time, it's the fault of the one who deals with the consequences that flow from his failure.

I pay my bill regularly on time. But, clearly you don't understand how a grace period works. If you pay your bill on time *in full* every month, then the grace period applies and you will be able to charge something without accruing interest until the bill due date. But, if you pay your bill on time but not in full every month, then there is no "grace period". Each additional charge on a unpaid balance adds to the average daily charge and accrues interest. Yes, I do use my credit card to pay for things I cannot afford in full -- like the unexpected $1000 car repair bill. So, if I have to use my credit card to cover my exDH's bill, then I am accruing interest on his behalf. Here are some other ways I have had to accrue interest because he didn't pay on time -- I took $$ out of my interest bearing savings thus losing my interest earnings, had to make an unplanned stock sale thus accruing a sales fee and trigger tax obligation, had to write a check that would be covered by my overdraft protection thus accruing interest, had to make cash withdrawals from my credit card, had to put a piece of jewelry down at the pawnshop in order to cover exDH when he failed to meet a large obligation for which I had to cough up the money same day (that was expensive).....

I earn enough to cover my share of the kids expenses. I do not earn enough to unexpectedly cover Ex when he randomly pays late or reneges on a promise to pay. (What am I going to do, take him to court over the $500 he refused to pay for DC's unexpected medical expense? I'd pay ten times that in legal fees.)

Our child support agreement is clear, and it is the same arrangement that many, many parents have -- child support is a percentage of income. On top of child support, Ex is required to pay half of -- sports or other kid activities (anything over $100 total for the year), half of medical copays, half of educational expenses, half of college.

You do realize if money is an issue, you say NO to your kids. They don't need to go to a leadership thing or vacation with friends. Its ok to say no. It sounds like you aren't managing your money well and blaming Dad. Stock sales and car repairs have nothing to do with Dad. It sounds like you need to do a major financial cut back.

NP here - so your position is that if both parents have the funds cover their halves of the trip, but the parent who makes the arrangements can't advance the other parent's half to temporarily cover the entire cost, the kid shouldn't do it? Even if both parents, in an amicable co-parenting relationship, have a procedure in place for the parent who makes all the kid's arrangements to have access to the other parent's funds to cover that activity?

You're an idiot.

You're an idiot. If Dad is not paying promptly, maybe he doesn't have the money on top of child support and his living expenses. So, if Mom decides child is going, tells Dad (doesn't ask) and demands the money promptly, she'll need to wait or advance it until he has the money. As parents, if we cannot afford something, we say no. Simple. Kids don't need to go on vacations with their friends. That is absurd if you cannot afford it. If Mom wants a break, give the kids to Dad. This poster is talking about luxuries, not necessities. I know my husband didn't always have the money to cover every demand his ex made. Everything was covered in child support but she'd always demand more. What he did was never good enough.

It's so interesting to me that some of the prior posters continue to assume facts not in evidence in my situation and don't read what I actually wrote. Therein lies the sexism -- people will stretch anything they hear in order to cast the bioMom as a money grubbing woman in order to avoid criticizing a man for not doing his equal share of parenting in every respect.

To the person who said my kids don't need to go on vacation with friends -- I agree and I have said no to some things we couldn't afford (European vacation as a guest of a friend). But, I gave that as an example of the kind of thing that crops up unexpectedly that might need to be paid quickly. I am blaming Dad for not coughing up his half of money in a timely fashion to things that HE HAS AGREED TO. You mention that auto repairs and stock sales are my own problem. But, my point was that when Dad doesn't pay in a timely fashion for things that HE HAS AGREED TO, then I need to use my money in a way that I hadn't previously planned. That costs ME in various ways, which I illustrated. I wouldn't have had to sell stock if Dad hadn't been late in paying major obligation he is legally obligated to pay. I don't have a problem putting major car repairs on my credit card, but if BioDad fails to pay something he promised and I have to also put his share on my credit card, it is not interest free to me as a previous poster assumed.

I am managing my money well and paying my share of kid-related costs on time every time, and I am frequently forced to float him for days or weeks. 99% of the times that I incur interest charges or late fees are due to the fact that BioDad did not pay on time what he is legally obligated to pay or agreed to pay. That comes at a high cost to me -- whether I have to upset financial investments or plans or I have to just assume that I have to keep a much bigger cash buffer to account for an unreliable co-parent. I lose either way financially.

BTW, I never said I wanted a break, I said that because BioDad refused to do any custodial parenting, I am also paying a cost in terms of career and income. I can't "give my kids" to BioDad, because he doesn't want to do that parenting. He would rather be available to go on a multi-week business trip, and he knows that if he commits to shared custody, he would be responsible for either turning down business trips, which would affect his career, or paying for alternative care arrangements, which would also mean $$ out of his pocket. He doesn't do sick care or doctor visits, because that would force him to take time off work, which would cost him in terms of his career. This is very common -- men shift the parenting work to women to preserve their own career and earning opportunities.

Why do I give the example of my situation? To show OP that her husband is actually pretty responsible; he has found a reliable way to pay his fair share of kid-related expenses in a timely fashion, and she shouldn't criticize him for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BF and I have been dating 3 years and moved in together 3 months ago. Things are going really well. He has 2 kids with his ex wife. They have 50/50 but the kids stay over at ex house more before of logistics and their preference. BF and Ex never talk on the phone but text regularly and attend sporting events together. I recently saw a text (that popped up on my laptop) saying "cheer camp is 300 dollars. I will write 150 from my own account, can I write the other 150 out of your credit union." He responds "sounds great, thanks." I brought it up immediately and he admitted to giving her a few (3-5) blank checks to write for various school things. He said she always tells him what she is writing it for and its just easier. I said this makes me very uncomfortable and he snapped back "we have separate finances so this isn't your business." Red flag? Up until this point things were great, this makes me uneasy.

Big red flag. For one you're just a girlfriend, so really his finances aren't your business. If you were married all finances brought into the home are joint even if one spouse doesn't work. If anything it's over the boundary, but after 3 years this is what you apparently agreed to.
On the other hand his kids are his responsibility so he can watch them, cook, clean etc. When he tries to negate that to you tell him that's not your job, or business either!!!!!

[Anonymous]

So you don't want marriage, he wanted it and still you feel entitled to ask about his ex writing checks from his account for his kids??! If marriage is just a paper then checks are just money for his kids? His kids are his responsibility and not yours, his check book is his responsibility and not yours. No wonder he is ticked off with you.

[Anonymous]

I have a credit card that I can use at anytime to pay for expenses for my kids. The account is in my ex-husband's name and he pays the bill. We co-parent well and he has responsibility for all the kids expenses for activities, clothing, etc. He trusts me. Doesn't seem much different than the checks. I don't understand why you care what he does with HIS money anyway. You're not married to him.