Boyfriend lets Ex write checks out of his account

[Anonymous]

The fact that he snapped at you when you asked an innocent question is a red flag IMO. I’d be curious as to why they still have this arrangement many years later too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he snapped at you when you asked an innocent question is a red flag IMO. I’d be curious as to why they still have this arrangement many years later too.

Obviously because it works for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, there must be a lot divorced moms commenting here. You struck a nerve with them.

Why can't your boyfriend write his own checks? I wouldn't give an ex spouse access to a bank account.

However, I dated a divorced single dad with shared custody of a seven-year-old child. The mother, his ex, never paid her half of the bills for music lessons, sports, etc., even though it was in their agreement. He had to take her to court to get her to pay her half. He was a lawyer.

Maybe your ex has his reasons and he is weaning her off of thinking that his money is also her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I have a credit card we share (he’s an authorized user). We charge kid things to that and split the payment. We get along, so no issues. I’d laugh if his new wife threw a hissy fit over it.

I would be fine with that as a spouse as long as it was reasonable. If you are getting a huge amount in child support and then putting absolutely everything from clothing to activities to random things to food, then no. If you had cost shares for activities, camps, child care, and medical, yes. That would make it much easier as long as both paid. My husband ex never would pay her share of anything when we'd ask. He finally gave up after years and started a running tab of what he paid and deducted what she was asking from that (i.e. her portion of plane tickets, her portion of activities which he paid per her request that she'd then refuse to allow the kids to attend).

[Anonymous]

Stay out of this. These are his children. Period. He is lucky to have a non-adversarial and even trusting relationship with his ex. Leave this alone. Your behavior has more red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok noted. I just think its odd an ex spouse would have direct access to his funds. But I guess I am wrong.

My thought is he probably has more than one account and this is the one his ex has a few checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of this. These are his children. Period. He is lucky to have a non-adversarial and even trusting relationship with his ex. Leave this alone. Your behavior has more red flags.

No, it is a red flag in their relationship. He isn't committing to marriage and has boundary issues with his ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of this. These are his children. Period. He is lucky to have a non-adversarial and even trusting relationship with his ex. Leave this alone. Your behavior has more red flags.

The fact that she asked her boyfriend of 3 years a question about his arrangement is a red flag? PP is right; must be a lot of bitter divorced moms here trying to mark your territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there must be a lot divorced moms commenting here. You struck a nerve with them.

Why can't your boyfriend write his own checks? I wouldn't give an ex spouse access to a bank account.

However, I dated a divorced single dad with shared custody of a seven-year-old child. The mother, his ex, never paid her half of the bills for music lessons, sports, etc., even though it was in their agreement. He had to take her to court to get her to pay her half. He was a lawyer.

Maybe your ex has his reasons and he is weaning her off of thinking that his money is also her money.

Not divorced but I write the majority of the kid activity checks and there are times of year where I feel like every time I turn around ...I just wrote a check for $250 to cover aftercare and an overnight school trip where I don’t ever remember hearing the cost ahead of time. In another month I will have the spring sports and I am the midst of summer camp signups. I wouldn’t necessarily want to wait to be reimbursed if I didn’t need to. This way both are paying their half at the same time and neither is waiting on the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there must be a lot divorced moms commenting here. You struck a nerve with them.

Why can't your boyfriend write his own checks? I wouldn't give an ex spouse access to a bank account.

However, I dated a divorced single dad with shared custody of a seven-year-old child. The mother, his ex, never paid her half of the bills for music lessons, sports, etc., even though it was in their agreement. He had to take her to court to get her to pay her half. He was a lawyer.

Maybe your ex has his reasons and he is weaning her off of thinking that his money is also her money.

Not divorced but I write the majority of the kid activity checks and there are times of year where I feel like every time I turn around ...I just wrote a check for $250 to cover aftercare and an overnight school trip where I don’t ever remember hearing the cost ahead of time. In another month I will have the spring sports and I am the midst of summer camp signups. I wouldn’t necessarily want to wait to be reimbursed if I didn’t need to. This way both are paying their half at the same time and neither is waiting on the other.

Your situation is very different. Its part of the divorce settlement. One would assume Mom/CP is getting child support so she can use some of that money upfront. She cannot commits dad without communicating the need. Its very easy to do a bank transfer or send a bank check or paypal or another company. You don't need to communicate with your spouse, but in a divorce but need to agree. Some of it should be covered under child support.

[Anonymous]

Don't you want to be in a relationship with someone who has shown that he can maintain a good relationship with his ex? Who knows--in a few years, that could be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of this. These are his children. Period. He is lucky to have a non-adversarial and even trusting relationship with his ex. Leave this alone. Your behavior has more red flags.

The fact that she asked her boyfriend of 3 years a question about his arrangement is a red flag? PP is right; must be a lot of bitter divorced moms here trying to mark your territory.

If I read OP correctly he did answer her question. When she said she didn’t like the arrangement he snapped back. Everyone works out their own thing but when it comes to step kids, it can be tough to navigate your role in finances and permission/discipline in general. In OP’s case they aren’t married and they have separate finances.

I don’t think the red flag is that he let’s his ex-wife write checks on the account to cover his half of their kids activities, I think the red flag is that the two of you can’t communicate well about whatever it is driving the discomfort. You have to be able to articulate why you are uncomfortable, he has to be willing to listen, you then have to listen to what he says. In the end, he could see things differently or decide he still likes the current setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there must be a lot divorced moms commenting here. You struck a nerve with them.

Why can't your boyfriend write his own checks? I wouldn't give an ex spouse access to a bank account.

However, I dated a divorced single dad with shared custody of a seven-year-old child. The mother, his ex, never paid her half of the bills for music lessons, sports, etc., even though it was in their agreement. He had to take her to court to get her to pay her half. He was a lawyer.

Maybe your ex has his reasons and he is weaning her off of thinking that his money is also her money.

Not divorced but I write the majority of the kid activity checks and there are times of year where I feel like every time I turn around ...I just wrote a check for $250 to cover aftercare and an overnight school trip where I don’t ever remember hearing the cost ahead of time. In another month I will have the spring sports and I am the midst of summer camp signups. I wouldn’t necessarily want to wait to be reimbursed if I didn’t need to. This way both are paying their half at the same time and neither is waiting on the other.

Your situation is very different. Its part of the divorce settlement. One would assume Mom/CP is getting child support so she can use some of that money upfront. She cannot commits dad without communicating the need. Its very easy to do a bank transfer or send a bank check or paypal or another company. You don't need to communicate with your spouse, but in a divorce but need to agree. Some of it should be covered under child support.

How would child support cover his half of an activity that he pays for outside of the child support? You don’t necessarily know your child’s 10th grade class trip will be $250 at the time of divorce. You wouldn’t want to overestimate or underestimate some of those types of costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok noted. I just think its odd an ex spouse would have direct access to his funds. But I guess I am wrong.

My thought is he probably has more than one account and this is the one his ex has a few checks.

+1

If your BF is smart, this is a second (or whatever) checking account that she has access to, that has a few thousand (at most) dollars in it.

To be honest, I think you asking the question was somewhat reasonable, depending on how you phrased the question. His response (based on how you asked), was not.

[Anonymous]

I'm willing to bet this is a "kid" account designated for these bills. That said, if there's an opportunity to introduce them to venmo, that might be better.

You don't know the history, though. Maybe he was terrible at paying her back, and this was the solution they were both happy with.