Boyfriend lets Ex write checks out of his account

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there must be a lot divorced moms commenting here. You struck a nerve with them.

Why can't your boyfriend write his own checks? I wouldn't give an ex spouse access to a bank account.

However, I dated a divorced single dad with shared custody of a seven-year-old child. The mother, his ex, never paid her half of the bills for music lessons, sports, etc., even though it was in their agreement. He had to take her to court to get her to pay her half. He was a lawyer.

Maybe your ex has his reasons and he is weaning her off of thinking that his money is also her money.

Not divorced but I write the majority of the kid activity checks and there are times of year where I feel like every time I turn around ...I just wrote a check for $250 to cover aftercare and an overnight school trip where I don’t ever remember hearing the cost ahead of time. In another month I will have the spring sports and I am the midst of summer camp signups. I wouldn’t necessarily want to wait to be reimbursed if I didn’t need to. This way both are paying their half at the same time and neither is waiting on the other.

Your situation is very different. Its part of the divorce settlement. One would assume Mom/CP is getting child support so she can use some of that money upfront. She cannot commits dad without communicating the need. Its very easy to do a bank transfer or send a bank check or paypal or another company. You don't need to communicate with your spouse, but in a divorce but need to agree. Some of it should be covered under child support.

How would child support cover his half of an activity that he pays for outside of the child support? You don’t necessarily know your child’s 10th grade class trip will be $250 at the time of divorce. You wouldn’t want to overestimate or underestimate some of those types of costs.

Some child supports are all inclusive, my husband's was, and some require extras. It really varies. If you get child support for the other parents portion then technically that should cover it. And, you pay your portion. That is what child support is for. My husband was supposed to cover everything. He was decent and paid extras until he learned the money was not going where it was supposed to be going and there were never any activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he snapped at you when you asked an innocent question is a red flag IMO. I’d be curious as to why they still have this arrangement many years later too.

My guess this isn’t the first time OP has tried to insert herself into her boyfriend’s arrangements with his ex/kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

That's not the point. The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money. OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together. He hasn't moved on from his first marriage. Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees. No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it. Personally I'd run fast. I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me. I married a guy with kids. If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail. Done. It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.

Divorced mom here. Love your assumption "mom can front the money". Frankly, it isn't my job to "front my husband the money". He is a parent and he is equally responsible to pay for cheer camp by the due date. If he wants to bank transfer, pay pal or whatever directly himself by the due date fine. If it were my husband who did that, and he gave me checks to pay on his behalf, then I'd do it as a courtesy, but frankly, it's ME who's doing HIM the favor by freeing him of the administrative responsibility of bill paying on behalf of the kids. If I didn't do it, then he's got to track and pay for stuff on his own -- it's not my responsibility to remind him.

FWIW, I don't have checks, and I am often left to pay for things for the kids and sometimes it takes my Ex a couple of weeks to pay me back. Meanwhile I am accruing credit card interest by carrying his financial load. It's not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok noted. I just think its odd an ex spouse would have direct access to his funds. But I guess I am wrong.

I would only be worried about this insofar as it meant that ex-spouse would have access to MY funds. Since you and he do not share finances, that's not what's going on here. It's something that, realistically, you get to bring up then and only then.

+1. If you do combine your finances, ask him to set up a separate account for sharing with the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

That's not the point. The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money. OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together. He hasn't moved on from his first marriage. Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees. No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it. Personally I'd run fast. I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me. I married a guy with kids. If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail. Done. It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.

Divorced mom here. Love your assumption "mom can front the money". Frankly, it isn't my job to "front my husband the money". He is a parent and he is equally responsible to pay for cheer camp by the due date. If he wants to bank transfer, pay pal or whatever directly himself by the due date fine. If it were my husband who did that, and he gave me checks to pay on his behalf, then I'd do it as a courtesy, but frankly, it's ME who's doing HIM the favor by freeing him of the administrative responsibility of bill paying on behalf of the kids. If I didn't do it, then he's got to track and pay for stuff on his own -- it's not my responsibility to remind him.

FWIW, I don't have checks, and I am often left to pay for things for the kids and sometimes it takes my Ex a couple of weeks to pay me back. Meanwhile I am accruing credit card interest by carrying his financial load. It's not fair.

One would assume you get child support. That is supposed to pay for the children's needs for dad's portion and you are also supposed to contribute. If you have primary custody, then it is your responsibility to do it all. If you don't want to front the money, tell him to pay the program or need directly and he'll do it when he chooses. My husband's child support covered everything. Anything over was his choice. (and he learned eventually Mom would make fake demands and never use the money on the kids). So, yes, he'd want to see a receipt and Mom prepay and a phone number to call and verify. Or, he could pay directly.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to revisit this - don't give into the it's ok crown here. If marriage is in your plans, then once your married, you will be responsible for your husbands debts and vise versa.

And if he were to die as the living spouse your entitled to those accounts as part of the marriage I would think.

Separate it not really separate in a legal marriage.

You want to know that if you get married that you will be the legal beneficiary on all accounts as the legal spouse. Life insurance, bank accounts, 401K, etc.

You might want to have that conversation. if the Ex Wife is on them now and he tells you he does not plan to list you even if married - your screwed and I would exit stage left pronto.

Oh, and don't believe that it is for the kids. The Spouse has to come first in a marriage to protect you. Then children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.

That's not the point. The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money. OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together. He hasn't moved on from his first marriage. Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees. No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it. Personally I'd run fast. I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me. I married a guy with kids. If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail. Done. It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.

Divorced mom here. Love your assumption "mom can front the money". Frankly, it isn't my job to "front my husband the money". He is a parent and he is equally responsible to pay for cheer camp by the due date. If he wants to bank transfer, pay pal or whatever directly himself by the due date fine. If it were my husband who did that, and he gave me checks to pay on his behalf, then I'd do it as a courtesy, but frankly, it's ME who's doing HIM the favor by freeing him of the administrative responsibility of bill paying on behalf of the kids. If I didn't do it, then he's got to track and pay for stuff on his own -- it's not my responsibility to remind him.

FWIW, I don't have checks, and I am often left to pay for things for the kids and sometimes it takes my Ex a couple of weeks to pay me back. Meanwhile I am accruing credit card interest by carrying his financial load. It's not fair.

Your credit card doesn’t have a 30-day grace period? Do you routinely not pay your bill on time? How are you accruing interest in two weeks?

[Anonymous]

This would make me highly uncomfortable as the girlfriend.
And I don't think it's in the father's best interest, since his ex could very well abuse the trust he places in her.

I mean, why get divorced at all???

[Anonymous]

She also buried the lead... how would a text to him from the ex pop up on OP’s computer? Are you actually monitoring their interactions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She also buried the lead... how would a text to him from the ex pop up on OP’s computer? Are you actually monitoring their interactions?

Of course she is. She's immature.

[Anonymous]

Team Dad. Calm the F down. If you are insecure in the relationship maybe it's time to look for another one.

[Anonymous]

So...your boyfriend is rich and you want all his money to yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He Is right, get used to it. You will never come first.

I agree with this. It’s really not your business. His children’s finances will be managed as he sees fit. It sounds like he and his ex have a great system set up. Don’t mess it up.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he and his ex have a healthy ex relationship. I'd be encouraged OP, not discouraged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he and his ex have a healthy ex relationship. I'd be encouraged OP, not discouraged.

That is not a healthy relationship. Ex rules the show. Imagine how bad it will be when they get married. Will she expect OP to contribute too?