I lost my daughter to her controlling BF and now I am losing my house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you spoke with the trustee? There is no reason to believe that a pregnant 18 yo with a brain injury is stable enough to purchase property. That's crazy. At the same time, there are good reasons to maintain the family home, even if she's not living there. For instance, maintaining the family home would allow her to be able to move home if her current relationship ends. That's what most 18 yos would do. Absent abuse it seems like the trust should maintain the status quo while paying rent for your dd for a while until things settle down.

Disagree. When most 18 year olds move back home it’s not to a house they paid for. The trust is supposed to be for her benefit. If I were the trustee I would make the same choice. If she chooses to move back with her family if/when the relationship ends then I’m sure OP would happily accept another free house. But I don’t see how it benefits her daughter to pay maintenance costs somewhere she doesn’t live as well as rent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I keep coming back To this post. I feel like you’re more worried about lack of access to the trust than to what’s going on with your daughter (ie. Losing your house).


The drama, the cutting, all of it should have been somewhat expected given your daughter was likely to have TBI. find a support group for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

Are you an idiot? Can you read? Because you're focusing on an issue that doesn't exist. (I'm a NP btw.)

[Anonymous]

I knew a guy in a wheelchair whose romantic life was sabotaged by his parents, who were financially dependent on him because of a settlement like this. They drove his handicapped van and refused to make it available to his GF. They continued to act as his "caregivers" and eventually ran her off. Very sad. This sounds like it could be similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter has borderline personality disorder. She has no sense of self and is waffling between being completely dependent on you and completely dependent on her boyfriend for her identity. I agree with getting yourself to therapy to figure out how to drop the codependent relationship from your end.

How did you come to that diagnosis?

Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment
Multiple unstable relationships
Self harm
Impulsive behavior

OP here ,The boyfriend is the one with the extreme fear of abandonment, to the point that he would not let me daughter out of his site and would not allow her to come home in the beginning of all this when she wanted to, Once when she did come home and he came with her, we wanted to talk with her away from the boyfriend and I asked her what was going on , at first she defended him then she started crying and said he has been controlling and freaked out and thew a fit like a little boy when she wanted to come home, then I went to talk to the boyfriend and he was having a panic attack and pacing around the room from just being away from her for 10-15 minutes, then he lied to my face telling me that the running away was all my daughters idea and that if she ever wants to home home he will walk her right up to my door.

My daughters cutting began after several years of being bullied in school and several failed relationships with boys that only wanted one thing, to use and abuse and dump her.
Once she met this boyfriend she is with now however her life was turned into basically living for him, his needs and wants are put first while hers were forgotten. His family comes first while ours is forgotten.
She stays with him not because of fear of abandonment but because of fear of what he will do if she leaves him and the desire to make things work with her babies father even if it means sacrificing her needs.
My daughter and I had a close and healthy relationship before this boyfriend started pulling her away from us , badmouthing us and brainwashing her into believing we don't care about her.
We used to go on family vacations ,we were always going shopping together, with me she was happy and very high energy, She had a lot of friends and she had other plans for her future but that all changed when he came into her life and she got pregnant, at the end of her pregnancy she told me they were fighting all the time and that he could not understand why we wanted time with her and she said he was telling her that he wants to be with her all the time to protect her because he loves her. Ever sense the baby was born she does not talk to me about how things are going in their relationship anymore and were lucky if we get to see her once a month. I don't expect her to be as close with us as she was when she lived here but even seeing her every 2 weeks would be nice or at least a phone call but I guess thats not going to happen as long as she is with him.
So our plan is to just move on , were staying here long enough so my 3rd daughter can graduate with her class this year ,then were going to move out of state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I keep coming back To this post. I feel like you’re more worried about lack of access to the trust than to what’s going on with your daughter (ie. Losing your house).


The drama, the cutting, all of it should have been somewhat expected given your daughter was likely to have TBI. find a support group for yourself.

OP here : We have never had access to the trust other then for my daughters needs, so were not losing access to anything, other then the fact I lost my daughter to her controlling boyfriend .
No TBI does not mean its normal or expected for her to be suicidal, some drama and boyfriend issues are to be expected for a teenager and has little to do with her TBI.

[Anonymous]

So, your daughter has major issues and you're leaving her pregnant with a controlling crazy boyfriend and moving out of state. Great parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, your daughter has major issues and you're leaving her pregnant with a controlling crazy boyfriend and moving out of state. Great parents.

OP here ,She has made her decision to put him and his family first and basically discard and disown us this has been going on since summer of 2016, are we supposed to stay here begging and waiting her to come back forever?.
She will know how to contact us when we move if she ever wants to come back to us, we will stay in contact and fly her to be with us in a heartbeat if she wants to leave him, all she has to do is ask, its not like were abandoning her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, your daughter has major issues and you're leaving her pregnant with a controlling crazy boyfriend and moving out of state. Great parents.

Oh and in case you missed it the baby was born almost a year ago , she is not pregnant anymore. She has made it clear she does not want us in her life right now so I think the loving thing to do is give her space. Not try to force her to be a part of our family again.

[Anonymous]

Why move out of state? You said in an earlier post that you have well paid jobs. Why not move to another home near the school your 3rd grader attends? I know you feel hurt by your daughters actions but you said you see her once a month. Are you still going to be able to do even that if you move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why move out of state? You said in an earlier post that you have well paid jobs. Why not move to another home near the school your 3rd grader attends? I know you feel hurt by your daughters actions but you said you see her once a month. Are you still going to be able to do even that if you move?

We have considered moving out of state for a few years now because the state we live in has grown way overcrowded, the highways are always stop and go and they do nothing to expand them and the housing market is ridiculously expensive now do to everyone moving here, its not that we cant afford it here , its just that we can get a 5 bedroom with a pool in the backyard elsewhere for what we would pay here 2-3 bedroom fixer. My husbands work has a branch in the state we want to move to so he wont be losing his job, your right that it will suck being so far away though from the rest of the family but we do plan to come back to visit, and I said my 3rd daughter, she is graduating this year so were considering moving after that and my 3 daughters that do live with me still are excited about the move, we have lived in this place for 14 years and a change will be nice. Staying within 5 miles of my daughter does not seem to be making her want to visit, maybe our move however will give her a wake up call, or maybe things will stay the same, who knows.

[Anonymous]

I think your daughter may feel that you’re abandoning her and cause her to cling even more to the abusive boyfriend and his family. She may not act like she wants you around, but there is a security in knowing you are nearby. If she’s 18-19, you really are pulling the rug out from under her with the move you’re planning.

Your new housing expenses may be lower, but you also need to factor in higher travel costs into your budget. Plan on visiting her and/or nearby family frequently, at least at first, so she can see and know you still intend to be there for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your daughter may feel that you’re abandoning her and cause her to cling even more to the abusive boyfriend and his family. She may not act like she wants you around, but there is a security in knowing you are nearby. If she’s 18-19, you really are pulling the rug out from under her with the move you’re planning.

Your new housing expenses may be lower, but you also need to factor in higher travel costs into your budget. Plan on visiting her and/or nearby family frequently, at least at first, so she can see and know you still intend to be there for her.

I am not sure how much more she could cling to them then she already has, she barely even talks to us anymore and wont come over at all anymore not even for holidays, turns me down every time I ask if she will go out to eat, shopping or movies with us etc, however the girl she was before she would have never missed a family gathering for the holidays, but your right we do need to take into consideration that she might feel like were abandoning her if we move to another state, or I know the boyfriend would use that against us telling her we abandoned her which is the last thing I want.

[Anonymous]

OP, if she was cutting and you didn't understand why or didn't do anything to stop bullying or bad relationships when she was a minor, then no, you did not have a healthy relationship. In your narrative there is a lot of "all of a sudden" type of happenings. They are not sudden, you're failing to see reasons behind her behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she was cutting and you didn't understand why or didn't do anything to stop bullying or bad relationships when she was a minor, then no, you did not have a healthy relationship. In your narrative there is a lot of "all of a sudden" type of happenings. They are not sudden, you're failing to see reasons behind her behaviors.

+1

I also think that access to the trust is more of a motivator than she lets on. She put losing the house in her title and then claimed they make a lot of money and didn’t need the trust. Yet in the same breath she said they are moving out of state because they can’t afford an equivalent house.