I lost my daughter to her controlling BF and now I am losing my house

[Anonymous]

Are you for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real?

Who knows? But OP has left the room in dramatic fashion per her post at 16:02:
I have backed off, I never tell her what to do always I leave it up to her, as I said we hardly ever see her, I can see posting here was a mistake and I am gone.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what you can do. Still confused about your answer as to the house if she doesn’t live there anymore than the trustee should in fact sell it if it is an asset that is owned by the trust (which you don’t specify but not sure how they could sell your house if it’s titled in your name).

You should get into counseling and maybe after awhile you can see if your daughter is willing to do family counseling with you.

This dudes family sounds like they’re trying to get their hands on that money. And it’s not a great sign that she has jettisoned all her friends but you need to back off or you will just push them together more.

[Anonymous]

The only thing you can do is wait. She might wish for a better relationship with you one day. When she does, don't speak of the past. With such an abusive spouse and in laws, she will have suffered enough.

[Anonymous]

She is in an abusive relationship and sounds like she has no say of her own. You need to find a way to help her. It is a good thing he is still a boyfriend, I don't know what to say, try to get her away from him. Maybe she did receive some damage from that fall and can't cognitively cope with this?

[Anonymous]

Yes I am for real ,Sorry for being dramatic, yes the house is in the trust name , I don't have any issue with them selling it to use the money for buying her a nicer home, we will find another home. We were not living off the trust we have been paying rent to stay here since she ran away, I do think its the boyfriends family wanting her to sell the place out from under us to try and hurt us, to push us away and so they can try to benefit from her trust as if she leaves the boyfriend he will have no where to go except back to his moms house, which with his issues( ADHD, anxiety and anger issues) his family does not want him moving back and also as soon as they found out about the trust thats when they talked her into running away and 2 weeks later they took her to see her trustee to try and get her to get some money for them, then when that did not work they were not happy and started treating her bad,
Then she wanted to come back home but the boyfriend would not allow it and she told me he threw a fit like a little boy when she insisted on coming to see us, now she has to ask him permission to do anything and wont come over anymore, she always seems happy to see us but he makes it obvious he does not want us around, I have tried to get her to go to counseling with me ,when she was pregnant we attended counseling but the boyfriend was always there so none of the issues were ever brought up because he go's into a rage quite easily.

I do think her traumatic brain injury causes decision making issues where she tends to just go along with what people are telling her to rather then think things through on her own and she has a people pleaser personality which runs in the family, They talked about getting married back when she first ran away but not anymore and she told me she does not want anymore babies, but then he tells me he is hoping the next one is a boy completely ignoring what my daughter said. I keep posting images and articles about abuse awareness on facebook but I don't know if she reads them, I am just hoping that she wakes up soon and leaves him but I also know she thinks she is doing the right thing by staying and helping him with his issues and keeping the family together.

[Anonymous]

So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

No we never lived off the trust if you knew about trust law you would know this is not possible and its not been 20 years, the trust does not give us money, we pay all the bills for the home , repairs for the home and we pay rent, the trust was there for her medical expenses was all. So where you people come up with the idea that we lived off it is beyond me, I guess the typical ignorant person hears trust fund or money and assumes family was living off it which is funny as thats what the boyfriend and his family brainwashed her to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

Not Op but it sounds like it was a settlement and out of that settlement they put some of the money into a trust fund. Much of the trsuma and emotional and physical burden of a 2 year old with a TBI is going to be on the parents. It sounds like they invested some of the settlement in a house and the rest is in a fund for her. I don't see anything wrong with OP and husband using some of the money for the family who were part of and involved in the injury

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

Not Op but it sounds like it was a settlement and out of that settlement they put some of the money into a trust fund. Much of the trsuma and emotional and physical burden of a 2 year old with a TBI is going to be on the parents. It sounds like they invested some of the settlement in a house and the rest is in a fund for her. I don't see anything wrong with OP and husband using some of the money for the family who were part of and involved in the injury

+ 1000 stop piling on OP for the management of the trust, it seems perfectly fair and usual to me that they would buy a house in which her daughter lived and OP said they were fine with leaving. It is the way it is done that upsets her, and that is perfectly understandable. It must be traumatic to see the daughter you love Siding with strangers and selling the house without even a word of explanation or warning.

I feel for you OP. It is really sad to see your daughter making such bad choices.. my piece of advice is to try to go for a very long term strategy:
- first, always assure your daughter that no matter what your door will always be open, in a week, in 10 years you will always be there
- second, stop criticizing her boyfriend and her family. Try to distance yourself from her life. Don't be needy. Be positive, interested in her life but keep your emotional distances. You don't want to talk about them. Focus on keeping a link with her and on the positive things you have in common
- third, protect yourself. Focus on your own life. Make sure you take care of your relationship with your husband, with your friends. Make your own life your priority. Work on being a happy person.

Why those three steps ? I am basically advising you to do a one eighty with your daughter, look it up, read about that strategy. It works in other relationships, not only with a lover. Your daughter is taking you for granted, she sees you as an annoying controlling adult. She needs to want to be with you. For that you need to focus on yourself, be a happy grounded person, keep your emotional disctance from the negative crap she brings in your life.

[Anonymous]

Is this the same OP who had a thread on wanting to know if she could apply for disability for her adult daughter, even if the daughter didn’t want it. You need to figure out how to communicate with her instead of trying to control her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same OP who had a thread on wanting to know if she could apply for disability for her adult daughter, even if the daughter didn’t want it. You need to figure out how to communicate with her instead of trying to control her.

OP here and no that was not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

Not Op but it sounds like it was a settlement and out of that settlement they put some of the money into a trust fund. Much of the trsuma and emotional and physical burden of a 2 year old with a TBI is going to be on the parents. It sounds like they invested some of the settlement in a house and the rest is in a fund for her. I don't see anything wrong with OP and husband using some of the money for the family who were part of and involved in the injury

+ 1000 stop piling on OP for the management of the trust, it seems perfectly fair and usual to me that they would buy a house in which her daughter lived and OP said they were fine with leaving. It is the way it is done that upsets her, and that is perfectly understandable. It must be traumatic to see the daughter you love Siding with strangers and selling the house without even a word of explanation or warning.

I feel for you OP. It is really sad to see your daughter making such bad choices.. my piece of advice is to try to go for a very long term strategy:
- first, always assure your daughter that no matter what your door will always be open, in a week, in 10 years you will always be there
- second, stop criticizing her boyfriend and her family. Try to distance yourself from her life. Don't be needy. Be positive, interested in her life but keep your emotional distances. You don't want to talk about them. Focus on keeping a link with her and on the positive things you have in common
- third, protect yourself. Focus on your own life. Make sure you take care of your relationship with your husband, with your friends. Make your own life your priority. Work on being a happy person.

Why those three steps ? I am basically advising you to do a one eighty with your daughter, look it up, read about that strategy. It works in other relationships, not only with a lover. Your daughter is taking you for granted, she sees you as an annoying controlling adult. She needs to want to be with you. For that you need to focus on yourself, be a happy grounded person, keep your emotional disctance from the negative crap she brings in your life.

Here's the best advice, OP.

[Anonymous]

If daughter owns the house, why sell it to buy a new one. Why not give her the house and buy your own. Who bought the house? Who pays the mortgage or did the trust buy it in cash? Why would you give an 18-20 year old with SN such access to her trust and money vs set up a guardianship? Why are you paying a trustee vs. managing it yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

Not Op but it sounds like it was a settlement and out of that settlement they put some of the money into a trust fund. Much of the trsuma and emotional and physical burden of a 2 year old with a TBI is going to be on the parents. It sounds like they invested some of the settlement in a house and the rest is in a fund for her. I don't see anything wrong with OP and husband using some of the money for the family who were part of and involved in the injury

+ 1000 stop piling on OP for the management of the trust, it seems perfectly fair and usual to me that they would buy a house in which her daughter lived and OP said they were fine with leaving. It is the way it is done that upsets her, and that is perfectly understandable. It must be traumatic to see the daughter you love Siding with strangers and selling the house without even a word of explanation or warning.

I feel for you OP. It is really sad to see your daughter making such bad choices.. my piece of advice is to try to go for a very long term strategy:
- first, always assure your daughter that no matter what your door will always be open, in a week, in 10 years you will always be there
- second, stop criticizing her boyfriend and her family. Try to distance yourself from her life. Don't be needy. Be positive, interested in her life but keep your emotional distances. You don't want to talk about them. Focus on keeping a link with her and on the positive things you have in common
- third, protect yourself. Focus on your own life. Make sure you take care of your relationship with your husband, with your friends. Make your own life your priority. Work on being a happy person.

Why those three steps ? I am basically advising you to do a one eighty with your daughter, look it up, read about that strategy. It works in other relationships, not only with a lover. Your daughter is taking you for granted, she sees you as an annoying controlling adult. She needs to want to be with you. For that you need to focus on yourself, be a happy grounded person, keep your emotional disctance from the negative crap she brings in your life.

Thanks, yes its a bit traumatic, we have mixed feelings about moving from the home but I am trying to be positive for my other kids, I have been holding on loosely as Dr Joe Carver says in his article on what to do when a loved one is stuck in a trauma bond with a loser, I try to message her about every few weeks to remind her we love her and are here for her, because I feel like if I don't then he is saying to her" see they don't care about you they don't even message to ask if your okay". I think your one eighty strategy is great if she were taking us for granted but I don't think she is, I do think the boyfriend is the control freak here but I could be wrong and maybe she is taking me for granted calling me when she wants money and other then that just does not want anything to do with us, I am honestly just confused.