I lost my daughter to her controlling BF and now I am losing my house

[Anonymous]

To all those with a will: this is why our financial advisor told us to structure our will so if we both pass away before our kids are adults, the trust will provide to them and their education, but the rest of the money they will receive in stages up until they are 30. An 18 year old may not know how to handle a large sum of money well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

Not Op but it sounds like it was a settlement and out of that settlement they put some of the money into a trust fund. Much of the trsuma and emotional and physical burden of a 2 year old with a TBI is going to be on the parents. It sounds like they invested some of the settlement in a house and the rest is in a fund for her. I don't see anything wrong with OP and husband using some of the money for the family who were part of and involved in the injury

+ 1000 stop piling on OP for the management of the trust, it seems perfectly fair and usual to me that they would buy a house in which her daughter lived and OP said they were fine with leaving. It is the way it is done that upsets her, and that is perfectly understandable. It must be traumatic to see the daughter you love Siding with strangers and selling the house without even a word of explanation or warning.

I feel for you OP. It is really sad to see your daughter making such bad choices.. my piece of advice is to try to go for a very long term strategy:
- first, always assure your daughter that no matter what your door will always be open, in a week, in 10 years you will always be there
- second, stop criticizing her boyfriend and her family. Try to distance yourself from her life. Don't be needy. Be positive, interested in her life but keep your emotional distances. You don't want to talk about them. Focus on keeping a link with her and on the positive things you have in common
- third, protect yourself. Focus on your own life. Make sure you take care of your relationship with your husband, with your friends. Make your own life your priority. Work on being a happy person.

Why those three steps ? I am basically advising you to do a one eighty with your daughter, look it up, read about that strategy. It works in other relationships, not only with a lover. Your daughter is taking you for granted, she sees you as an annoying controlling adult. She needs to want to be with you. For that you need to focus on yourself, be a happy grounded person, keep your emotional disctance from the negative crap she brings in your life.

Thanks, yes its a bit traumatic, we have mixed feelings about moving from the home but I am trying to be positive for my other kids, I have been holding on loosely as Dr Joe Carver says in his article on what to do when a loved one is stuck in a trauma bond with a loser, I try to message her about every few weeks to remind her we love her and are here for her, because I feel like if I don't then he is saying to her" see they don't care about you they don't even message to ask if your okay". I think your one eighty strategy is great if she were taking us for granted but I don't think she is, I do think the boyfriend is the control freak here but I could be wrong and maybe she is taking me for granted calling me when she wants money and other then that just does not want anything to do with us, I am honestly just confused.

Buy the home. What did you expect?

[Anonymous]

To respond to your last update, OP, do you think it's the boyfriend and his family pushing her to ask you for money?

Anyway, that PP was right. Be there for her in the long-term, and don't cling to her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If daughter owns the house, why sell it to buy a new one. Why not give her the house and buy your own. Who bought the house? Who pays the mortgage or did the trust buy it in cash? Why would you give an 18-20 year old with SN such access to her trust and money vs set up a guardianship? Why are you paying a trustee vs. managing it yourself?

Here where I live if a child gets a large sum its put in a trust fund , the trust owns the house ,it was paid in cash , my daughter wants him to sell it so he can buy her a condo, this house is large and should sell for a lot then whats left after buying her condo will go into the trust for her and her child's future, The trustee at first was going to set me up as legal guardian when she was turning 18 but at the time I did not think it was necessary then 6 months later when she had ran away I tried going in to become her guardian and I was told no that is only for downs children which I know is not true but I did not see the point in arguing. It would have been difficult to prove that she needs a legal guardian anyway once she was already out with her boyfriend, aside from the fact that she is not caring for her hygiene and their apartment is a hazard area she seems to be doing okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you spent 20 years living off your daughter's trust fund and now she's calling in her cards. I don't see the issue here.

Not Op but it sounds like it was a settlement and out of that settlement they put some of the money into a trust fund. Much of the trsuma and emotional and physical burden of a 2 year old with a TBI is going to be on the parents. It sounds like they invested some of the settlement in a house and the rest is in a fund for her. I don't see anything wrong with OP and husband using some of the money for the family who were part of and involved in the injury

+ 1000 stop piling on OP for the management of the trust, it seems perfectly fair and usual to me that they would buy a house in which her daughter lived and OP said they were fine with leaving. It is the way it is done that upsets her, and that is perfectly understandable. It must be traumatic to see the daughter you love Siding with strangers and selling the house without even a word of explanation or warning.

I feel for you OP. It is really sad to see your daughter making such bad choices.. my piece of advice is to try to go for a very long term strategy:
- first, always assure your daughter that no matter what your door will always be open, in a week, in 10 years you will always be there
- second, stop criticizing her boyfriend and her family. Try to distance yourself from her life. Don't be needy. Be positive, interested in her life but keep your emotional distances. You don't want to talk about them. Focus on keeping a link with her and on the positive things you have in common
- third, protect yourself. Focus on your own life. Make sure you take care of your relationship with your husband, with your friends. Make your own life your priority. Work on being a happy person.

Why those three steps ? I am basically advising you to do a one eighty with your daughter, look it up, read about that strategy. It works in other relationships, not only with a lover. Your daughter is taking you for granted, she sees you as an annoying controlling adult. She needs to want to be with you. For that you need to focus on yourself, be a happy grounded person, keep your emotional disctance from the negative crap she brings in your life.

Thanks, yes its a bit traumatic, we have mixed feelings about moving from the home but I am trying to be positive for my other kids, I have been holding on loosely as Dr Joe Carver says in his article on what to do when a loved one is stuck in a trauma bond with a loser, I try to message her about every few weeks to remind her we love her and are here for her, because I feel like if I don't then he is saying to her" see they don't care about you they don't even message to ask if your okay". I think your one eighty strategy is great if she were taking us for granted but I don't think she is, I do think the boyfriend is the control freak here but I could be wrong and maybe she is taking me for granted calling me when she wants money and other then that just does not want anything to do with us, I am honestly just confused.

Buy the home. What did you expect?

Buying the home is not an option.

[Anonymous]

You don’t owe any unconditional love to a person who is kicking you and younger siblings out of the house without even talking to you directly. You need to get a lawyer and figure out what you are going to do when she shows up on your doorsteps penniless and homeless. BF’s family is after her money.

[Anonymous]

But why shouldn't the daughter sell the house to get herself a condo? Where is she supposed to live with her baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why shouldn't the daughter sell the house to get herself a condo? Where is she supposed to live with her baby?

+1 It's her money ffs. I'm appalled OP has been living off of it this whole time.

[Anonymous]

While I am feeling you on the boyfriend issue, OP, you’ve really lost me on the house part. Does your daughter have mobility or other needs that would have necessitated the purchase of a house with special features, thus justifying the use of th trust? If not, then the trust never should have been used to purchase a house for yourselves, especially with younger siblings. You’re parents - it’s up to you to put a roof over the head of your children. Wisely invested money would have allowed you to continue to pay for her medical needs via interest, without touching the principal, but the point of a trust is that it will provide that -not housing for the family.

The fact that you keep saying your daughter said “abusive” things make me question your credibility a little. Surely you know people with TBI are known to have long term problems with emotional lability and regulation, right? Have you ever actually sought proper psychological help for your daughter that addresses her specific condition? Her history of cutting and outbursts, and the fact you didn’t set her up for guardianship long before she was 18 tell me you stuck your head in the sand.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the responses, but buying your house with your daughter’s settlement money was clearly a stupid decision on your part. It is her money, not yours. That money should only be used for her (e.g. physical and emotional therapy). Did you expect her to live with you the rest of your life??

[Anonymous]

OP here: It was not my decision to buy the house the trustee insisted on it and I don't believe that wanting to raise my child in a nice home in a safe area was stupid or selfish, its an asset to the trust and worth more now then when we bought it. Yes a special needs trust does provide housing for the beneficiary, medical needs, transportation needs etc, its not meant to just sit in the trust and be used for attorney fees only, a trustee must make sure its used for the needs of the beneficiary. As I said no we did not expect her to live with us her entire life, we are happy for her to be out on her own aside from the boyfriend seeming controlling and pushing us away. People with special needs, personality disorders and TBI are responsible for what they say and the condition is not an excuse to say abusive things. Yes we went to counseling for her issues and it did not help.

[Anonymous]

I think that once the bf and his family see how difficult it is to get money for themselves due to the trustee then they will fade away. You need to just focus on individual counseling and your other children.

[Anonymous]

You've had how many years to save money for your own house and choose not to? This is your child's house. You knew this day would come. Go buy or rent your own house, sell it and be done with it. Be responsible for paying for your own needs as well as your kids. That money should have been saved for future long term care.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter has borderline personality disorder. She has no sense of self and is waffling between being completely dependent on you and completely dependent on her boyfriend for her identity. I agree with getting yourself to therapy to figure out how to drop the codependent relationship from your end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter has borderline personality disorder. She has no sense of self and is waffling between being completely dependent on you and completely dependent on her boyfriend for her identity. I agree with getting yourself to therapy to figure out how to drop the codependent relationship from your end.

How did you come to that diagnosis?