I lost my daughter to her controlling BF and now I am losing my house
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Anonymous
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I almost lost her when she was 2 years old and she fell off my balcony resulting in a traumatic brain injury , thankfully she recovered and our lawyer got us a large settlement as it was the fault of my management plus the construction company, that money was used to buy us a house and car and we placed the rest in a trust fund for her future, fast forward to her becoming a teen, she started being interested in boys and got involved with some bad boys that broke her heart , next thing I know she is cutting herself in secret, I did not find out till I saw the cuts on her myself, then she starts running away occasionally we could never figure out why, we loved her , hardly if ever argued and were not controlling we just asked that she tell us where she was going and be back at a decent time, she started not wanting to attend school anymore and acted like we were the worst parents for waking her up and making her attend school , towards the end of her senior year though she became motivated to graduate and get a job to be independent we fully supported this.
Then this boy she was hanging out with that liked her started texting her constantly , showing up uninvited at our house and basically stalking her I saw this as a red flag that this boy was no good but she saw it as he loves her, next thing I know they are a couple and they started spending all their time together, she went over to his house for dinner 2 nights before she was due to graduate and it got late so my husband texts her asking her to come home and we were told to f off that she will do what she wants as she is 18 now and next thing I know she is saying she is moving in with him and she felt like we don't love her and she felt safer with him and said all sorts of other abusive things to me, the next day we were at the store and ran into her with his family and we asked her if she would come home so she can graduate and she said yes without hesitation and when we got home she said she was sorry for saying she thought we did not love her and being rude, she told us that when she told his family that she should come home they yelled at her asking " but don't you want a better life" we tried to explain to her that the boyfriend and his family trying to make her run away and skip graduation was not normal, sounded toxic to us but she continued seeing him and she graduated ,then we went away on a 4th of July vacation to the beach where she was away from him for 3 days and this was a big issue for the boyfriend. Next thing we know she comes home telling us she is pregnant and moving in with the boyfriend, we handled it as calmly as possible and told her we thought it was best for her to stay here so we can make sure she gets prenatal care, she agreed then was going out to his mothers car to get her things 20 minutes later she walks in with nothing and is completely shut down wont talk, then she says abusive things to me , saying no she wont say here she hates it here and runs out the door crying, ever since then she go's back and forth from acting like she wants us in her life to she does not want us in her life, I suspect the boyfriend is telling her to have nothing to do with us but there was only once that she admitted he threw a fit when she wanted to come home to visit, he insisted on being with her 24-7 just this year he started allowing her to come with us alone but she does not stay long and wont tell us how things are going, when the baby was born I was not allowed at the hospital till later that evening, they go to see his family all the time at least twice a week but we never get to see her or the baby. She also pushed away all of her friends and she says she is sorry all the time for everything, things that are not even her fault. Now the trustee is selling the house out from under us as its not benefiting her anymore , he claims she came in there just before Christmas telling him to sell it but she never said anything to us and now she wont even speak to us, we don't know where we went wrong, we don't insult the boyfriend or the relationship as we saw in the beginning that just makes her defend him and pushes her away, an entire month went by where they boyfriend would not let her talk to us because he was mad at us for saying he needs professional help, ever since I have been nothing but caring and supportive for them and the baby but it seems she believes we don't care about her and she posted on facebook last week under their family photo together that she is so happy to have a family that loves her now. I told her we love you we always have and always will and got no response. Then I messaged her asking if she can come over for dinner and got no response. Finding out were losing the house was a shock but we will move on and be okay but feeling like I have lost my daughter is the most painful part. I don't know what to do anymore and people around me are tired of my talking about it so thats why I am venting here and any advise is welcome. Thank you |
Anonymous
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Hire a lawyer, and get a therapist.
I hope venting here helps, but an anonymous on-line site is a dangerous place to do more than that. |
Anonymous
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1) The money was never yours, and as she got older and clearly more able to live independently, you should have known better than to keep using it to support yourself.
2) This is not the whole story. I would love to hear from your daughter's perspective how the last 18 years of her life went down. 3) If she has mental illness that has caused her to act out over the years, possibly caused by the TBI, there is very little you can do about it, and it is sad that we can't force adults to get treatment when they are a danger to themselves. But we can't. |
Anonymous
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When are you still using her money if she's an adult?
You sound petty. Her allowing you at the hospital the evening the baby is born is normal! She's trying to set boundaries as you're very controlling and manipulative |
Anonymous
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Perhaps you and your daughter could go to counseling together to work on repairing the relationship.
Probably worth talking to a lawyer about the house. Was it titled in the name of the trust when you guys bought it? That seems like a really odd decision. If so, I would be grateful you guys got 18 years of effectively free rent and hopefully you saved some of the proceeds from that. |
Anonymous
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Let her live her adult life on her own with her BF and baby.
Use funds from your own employment to rent/buy yourself a place to live. Take a basic writing class to help you improve your punctuation and composition skills. |
Anonymous
| Is your DH around by chance? |
Anonymous
| OP here: I never said I thought the money was mine, I put it in the trust for her for that reason , with a trust fund only the attorney decides how its spent not me or anyone else and as I said losing the house is the least of my worries , my husband makes good money and the house is not an issue. |
Anonymous
So in that case it seems your best option is to back off and see what your adult daughter decides to do with her life. Hopefully things will get better rather than worse. If they get worse you can reassess then and decide whether to intervene on her behalf. I think your trying to tell her what to do, to protect her possibly, you are not accomplishing what you want to accomplish but are rather stoking the flames of conflict. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you used her money for yourselves -- meaning you stole a lot of money from her. It's not your house, it's her house. She's 18 and an adult, she can do whatever she wants with it. She is the attorney's client, not you.
Like everyone else, I am *sure* there is more to the story than what you are telling us. Probably like how you were VERY controlling parents and she needed to get out from under your thumb. You can get your own attorney, but you won't win, again - it's her money and her house, not yours. |
Anonymous
| Sometimes men are gold diggers. |
Anonymous
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I'm having a hard time following you, Op. How is losing your house not a big issue for you?
Of course you have reason to be stressed out. |
Anonymous
I have backed off, I never tell her what to do always I leave it up to her, as I said we hardly ever see her, I can see posting here was a mistake and I am gone. |
Anonymous
| OP, this could be in part due to TBI. I don’t have any suggestions. But I would imagine that you’re going to continue on a roller coaster for a long time. Hopefully she’s safe. |
Anonymous
This was my thought, too. I don't get why people think OP has been stealing from the daughter. It sounds more like a bad boyfriend and his family have been manipulating her. If it was truly the OP who was trying to control her daughter, why would the daughter have isolated herself from her own friends? That sounds more like classic abusive boyfriend behavior. I don't know what recourse you have, OP. She's an adult and can make her own decisions, even if her judgement is impaired by her brain injury. |