How would you react if your date left to go help/comfort his ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We would both go so I know for a fact that's what happened.

Wow, you're not crazy controlling AT ALL.

Go read my response to another judgmental poster like yourself at 10:29.

I did read it, and I still think you're crazy controlling. If it's real, you not only have zero business being there, you'd probably be making it worse for the victim having this random chick tag along in her horribly scary and vulnerable moment. If it's not real, you'll figure that out pretty quickly before you're too involved with the guy without being there for this incident when more incidents start piling up in questionable ways.

I work DV victims daily so again, you don't know me or how I think in the most vulnerable situations for women and men.

If you think a random stranger with no connection to the situation other than having been on a date with a support person of the victim is entitled to be present in the aftermath of the assault, you have no business working with DV victims. It doesn't matter who you are or what you know, you are a random stranger and you should not be there.

I really hope you're lying about your work with DV victims, because the fact that you don't seem to understand this is deeply disturbing to someone who has also worked with DV victims.

Shut up; you're still trying to argue with someone you don't know; you do you and I'll do me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel rejected. Someone who was getting physically beat up called him for help. Of course he should go help, geez.

With that being said, I wouldn't want to be a part of that whole scene, so I would peace out.

She should be calling 911.

Who says she didn't? If I'd just been beaten up, I'd certainly call 911 and someone I loved.

Well that's kind of the point. If her ex is the "someone she loved" and calls in a crisis, that's major baggage for OP to deal with.

What makes it major baggage? Would you feel this way if it was the guy's sister calling in the same situation? Or is it just the fact that it's an ex-girlfriend that makes it major baggage?

obviously it's the fact that it's an ex girlfriend that matters! the ex ought to have other people she can call. if she calls her ex first it means they are still emotionally entangled. this doesn't mean it's wrong for her to call or him to respond to her crisis. just that it's baggage and bad news for a new relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel rejected. Someone who was getting physically beat up called him for help. Of course he should go help, geez.

With that being said, I wouldn't want to be a part of that whole scene, so I would peace out.

She should be calling 911.

Who says she didn't? If I'd just been beaten up, I'd certainly call 911 and someone I loved.

Well that's kind of the point. If her ex is the "someone she loved" and calls in a crisis, that's major baggage for OP to deal with.

What makes it major baggage? Would you feel this way if it was the guy's sister calling in the same situation? Or is it just the fact that it's an ex-girlfriend that makes it major baggage?

At risk of sounding callous, if it were his sister (really anyone he is close with) I would walk away. My Father used to say, "when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas". There's no way to have a nice relationship with someone so invested in others' dysfunction. I see it as a red flag that he has too much drama that will eventually affect my life. No thanks!

Well, you're right that you do sound callous. And ignorant. I really hope no one close to you ever has some kind of significant trauma, because I imagine they would be sorely let down by you.

Yeah, I get that a lot. If someone I'm already close to had a significant trauma, I'd be there for them. I would not, however, get involved with someone who walks in the door with drama. I was in an abusive relationship and I understand my role in it. I avoided getting involved with anyone until I was sure it was over. I went through therapy to figure out how I ended up in that position and how to change what caused me to accept it. I have had to harden myself to make sure I'm never drawn into a bad situation again. I think that's why I come off as callous and that's ok with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be pissed if he didn't go help after someone got beat up by a guy. Is he really just supposed to say "sorry, call someone else"?

This. He did the right thing. However, I wouldn't go out with him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We would both go so I know for a fact that's what happened.

Wow, you're not crazy controlling AT ALL.

Go read my response to another judgmental poster like yourself at 10:29.

I did read it, and I still think you're crazy controlling. If it's real, you not only have zero business being there, you'd probably be making it worse for the victim having this random chick tag along in her horribly scary and vulnerable moment. If it's not real, you'll figure that out pretty quickly before you're too involved with the guy without being there for this incident when more incidents start piling up in questionable ways.

I work DV victims daily so again, you don't know me or how I think in the most vulnerable situations for women and men.

If you think a random stranger with no connection to the situation other than having been on a date with a support person of the victim is entitled to be present in the aftermath of the assault, you have no business working with DV victims. It doesn't matter who you are or what you know, you are a random stranger and you should not be there.

I really hope you're lying about your work with DV victims, because the fact that you don't seem to understand this is deeply disturbing to someone who has also worked with DV victims.

Shut up; you're still trying to argue with someone you don't know; you do you and I'll do me

You need therapy before attempting to date if you're injecting your issues into this situation. Perhaps also anger management classes. Yo shouldn't be working with DV victims (not that I believe you do for a second).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say if the guy you were on a date with left your date beccause he got a call from his ex girlfriend. The ex gf had gotten beat up by her boyfriend and was calling the guy you were out with for support.

How would you feel?

How would you react?

If I was on a date with a guy and his phone rang and he saw it was his ex and he answered.....
I would walk away because he's obviously still attached to her.

Nothing else in this story matters except this one thing: he was with YOU and he paid attention to HER before he knew what it was about. He.still.loves.her.

[Anonymous]

Once I was in bed, late at night, with my BF of two years when his Xwife called. She said she was suicidal, she said she was laying on a raft in her pool and was just going to roll off and let herself drown. (Her BF was asleep in the other room.) He said, I'll be right over.

Then he asked me to drive him there because he had a few drinks that evening. I had to work in the morning. An argument ensued. I ended up driving him so he wouldn't drive himself.

This was years ago. To make a long story short, that was a huge red flag that our relationship was not going to work out. I haven't heard from him in a long time, but I am still friends with his X.

[Anonymous]

I had a BF who finished his x's dissertation for her when she couldn't do it and even years after that would talk her down from panic attacks at night. Thank god I didn't change my life plans for that loser! I wasted far too much energy on him as it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel rejected. Someone who was getting physically beat up called him for help. Of course he should go help, geez.

With that being said, I wouldn't want to be a part of that whole scene, so I would peace out.

She should be calling 911.

Who says she didn't? If I'd just been beaten up, I'd certainly call 911 and someone I loved.

Well that's kind of the point. If her ex is the "someone she loved" and calls in a crisis, that's major baggage for OP to deal with.

What makes it major baggage? Would you feel this way if it was the guy's sister calling in the same situation? Or is it just the fact that it's an ex-girlfriend that makes it major baggage?

You can't possibly be serious about equating a sister and an ex girlfriend. Grow a brain, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We would both go so I know for a fact that's what happened.

Wow, you're not crazy controlling AT ALL.

Go read my response to another judgmental poster like yourself at 10:29.

I did read it, and I still think you're crazy controlling. If it's real, you not only have zero business being there, you'd probably be making it worse for the victim having this random chick tag along in her horribly scary and vulnerable moment. If it's not real, you'll figure that out pretty quickly before you're too involved with the guy without being there for this incident when more incidents start piling up in questionable ways.

I work DV victims daily so again, you don't know me or how I think in the most vulnerable situations for women and men.

If you think a random stranger with no connection to the situation other than having been on a date with a support person of the victim is entitled to be present in the aftermath of the assault, you have no business working with DV victims. It doesn't matter who you are or what you know, you are a random stranger and you should not be there.

I really hope you're lying about your work with DV victims, because the fact that you don't seem to understand this is deeply disturbing to someone who has also worked with DV victims.

Shut up; you're still trying to argue with someone you don't know; you do you and I'll do me

You need therapy before attempting to date if you're injecting your issues into this situation. Perhaps also anger management classes. Yo shouldn't be working with DV victims (not that I believe you do for a second).

Sweetie, you believe whatever you need to believe. I'm done with this discussion because it's clear that you aren't going to change your position and I'm not going to change mind.

Peace out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be pissed if he didn't go help after someone got beat up by a guy. Is he really just supposed to say "sorry, call someone else"?

Agree

I would try to come too. Girl needs a support system and to get the hell out and to a safe place. I'd want to support any other woman in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say if the guy you were on a date with left your date beccause he got a call from his ex girlfriend. The ex gf had gotten beat up by her boyfriend and was calling the guy you were out with for support.

How would you feel?

How would you react?

If I was on a date with a guy and his phone rang and he saw it was his ex and he answered.....
I would walk away because he's obviously still attached to her.

Nothing else in this story matters except this one thing: he was with YOU and he paid attention to HER before he knew what it was about. He.still.loves.her.

This is the answer to the question. For OP this is the only actionable information. The rest is just dramatic plot details of a story she doesn't need to know anything more about.

[Anonymous]

OP here .
For full disclosure this wasn't the first date.
We've been going out about 4 months.
He broke up with his ex close to 2 years ago. They split because she wanted something serious and he didn't. They were friends before dating. The only dated for a few months before they split. They didn't talk for almost a year after the split but have been on speaking terms for a while now, before I started seeing him. By speaking terms I mean they exchange texts maybe a couple of times of week . The texts are like what I would send to my brother.
I knew he was still in contact with her early on because he told me about all his friends, and he never hid that she was an ex.

Anyway, we were hanging out together at his place last night when he got the call from her. He wasn't playing on his phone but he did check it when it went off because his dad has had some recent health scares, so he'll check even late at night in case of an emergency.

He answered. He told me what was up before he left. He was with her most of the night until her sister arrived.
We weren't doing anything but watching TV when he left.
I do feel he did the right thing my going.
But I'm also feeling conflicted about things now. I don't think this is break up worthy. I could be wrong about that. I'm not sure what to do from here. Do I wait and see if his behavior changes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here .
For full disclosure this wasn't the first date.
We've been going out about 4 months.
He broke up with his ex close to 2 years ago. They split because she wanted something serious and he didn't. They were friends before dating. The only dated for a few months before they split. They didn't talk for almost a year after the split but have been on speaking terms for a while now, before I started seeing him. By speaking terms I mean they exchange texts maybe a couple of times of week . The texts are like what I would send to my brother.
I knew he was still in contact with her early on because he told me about all his friends, and he never hid that she was an ex.

Anyway, we were hanging out together at his place last night when he got the call from her. He wasn't playing on his phone but he did check it when it went off because his dad has had some recent health scares, so he'll check even late at night in case of an emergency.

He answered. He told me what was up before he left. He was with her most of the night until her sister arrived.
We weren't doing anything but watching TV when he left.
I do feel he did the right thing my going.
But I'm also feeling conflicted about things now. I don't think this is break up worthy. I could be wrong about that. I'm not sure what to do from here. Do I wait and see if his behavior changes?

You can discuss your feelings and thoughts with him. 4 months is enough time for you two to have established communication and a sense of trust. His reaction to your feelings will give you an idea of if he's a keeper. Talk to him and let us know what happens.

[Anonymous]

If she has a sister he did not need to be there. Peace out.