How to get DH to stop overcommitting/doing too much for friends - vacation with friends with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't sound like a terrible person. I have two kids and I would be annoyed. I don't mind sharing but want to be able to enjoy my things and don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I didn't enjoy going on vacation with others before or after kids. Now that I'm older I'm comfortable refusing. Getting together for a few hours with people is enjoyable but overnights are not. It's too much.

This is totally fair. You do mind sharing. You know you mind sharing. You no longer vacation with others. A grown up approach all around.

Here's your solution OP.

Happily shared snacks and sunscreen, etc. But my beach chair constantly being taken because theirs suck. Ugh.

"Hey Suzy, I'd like to sit in my chair now. If you don't like your chair, maybe you should head to the beach shop (or send your husband) to get a new one?"

Use your words.

We were in the Caribbean with friends and nobody bothered to pack sunblock except me. I brought special face sunblock (nothing you can buy at cvs; think high end makeup line), and there was no way I was sharing it. When everyone asked to "borrow" my sunblock, I pulled out one can of spray and said, "WTH guys? Who travels to the Caribbean and doesn't pack sunblock?" They responded in unison, "We knew you would bring plenty of the good stuff." I told them they could have the one can and then suggested they could buy more in the resort gift shop. Nobody got upset because we are all good friends (since high school), and we used our words rather than stewing.

I know. I also bought high-end sunscreen, but I did share. But a family of five doesn't bring any sunblock?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

Huh? No, the moms want the husbands to help with their kids. I always help my husband set up the tent.

Huh?

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

I don't need help getting my kids ready for the beach, and DH is equipped to schlep the gear and set things up by himself.

I'm wondering if the younger generation of women is more needy and controlling? I know the younger generation is definitely not equipped to use their words...probably because they were raised by helicopter moms who supervised their play dates and handled every interaction for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's bc you don't have kids that this sounds like over committing but to me it sounds par for the course.

Except it only does one way. No one's dragging anything out to the beach for me to use or offering to bring me food.

Only *goes one way.

You said originally one couple with a baby brought drinks to share. Did you drink any of those drinks?

Your reaction sounds very petty based on the specifics you describe. However, it's hard to know without knowing the bigger context of these friends. If they are generally rude freeloaders over a long period of time, then stop vacationing with them or being friends with them. In most friendships, these things all work out and friends aren't bean counting amongst each other.

I didn't partake in their drinks, but husband had a couple of their beers, while they had some of our margaritas and lemonade. That couple is reasonable, meaning they brought stuff, shared stuff, hung out under our tent, but didn't hog all of our space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

For sure you've got it easiest of anyone on this trip. It's not like those moms and dads are leaving their kids with you to go to boozy dinners or spa days, it's hard effing work to take a beach "vacation" with kids.

Sure, but it's my choice to keep my life easy and comfortable. And if it's too much work for couples to travel to beach with their kids, then they shouldn't go. We're not their personal assistants.

If you don't want the reality of traveling with children, don't travel with people with children. How did you think this was going to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't sound like a terrible person. I have two kids and I would be annoyed. I don't mind sharing but want to be able to enjoy my things and don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I didn't enjoy going on vacation with others before or after kids. Now that I'm older I'm comfortable refusing. Getting together for a few hours with people is enjoyable but overnights are not. It's too much.

This is totally fair. You do mind sharing. You know you mind sharing. You no longer vacation with others. A grown up approach all around.

Here's your solution OP.

Happily shared snacks and sunscreen, etc. But my beach chair constantly being taken because theirs suck. Ugh.

Oh I'm with you on the chair. You can totally ask for your chair back. "Ah, my favorite chair! I bought it last summer so I wouldn't have to spend this year's beach vacation in one of those uncomfortable chairs. " Some will say it's passive aggressive, but actually it's just honest fact. If they don't have the common sense to get up, then you can say "So...can I sit there now?"

My husband is that guy who likes to do for others, too. We vacation with friends a lot. For this McDonald's plan, I would absolutely have slept in, and let him deal with it. The tent? The other parents can handle it. Seriously, anyone with any sense at all would see that your dh is away getting food, and say to themselves "this tent isn't going to set up itself." If they do, they're helpless idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

Huh? No, the moms want the husbands to help with their kids. I always help my husband set up the tent.

Huh?

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

I don't need help getting my kids ready for the beach, and DH is equipped to schlep the gear and set things up by himself.

I'm wondering if the younger generation of women is more needy and controlling? I know the younger generation is definitely not equipped to use their words...probably because they were raised by helicopter moms who supervised their play dates and handled every interaction for them.

Maybe that's true. This couple definitely seems like they need a lot of help, because they have an au pair traveling with them and still seem to be struggling.

As far as neediness, out of two of us, my husband is definitely more needy, while I'm more controlling/type A

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So many weird things going on.
People using other people's stuff.
OP not voicing her preferences.
Her husband offering to get breakfast yet not waking up in time.

I'm so glad I'm not in your group!

Yeah, they were texting us but husband was sleeping. They finally got breakfast at the hotel.

They were probably checking to see if he was still planning to do what he said before they made alternative plans. If they'd just gone to the restaurant for breakfast without checking with you first and it turned out your DH had gone to McDonald's, you'd probably be complaining that they didn't tell you about their change of plans first. No one can win with you, not your friends, not your husband, no one. Except yourself, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

Huh? No, the moms want the husbands to help with their kids. I always help my husband set up the tent.

Huh?

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

I don't need help getting my kids ready for the beach, and DH is equipped to schlep the gear and set things up by himself.

I'm wondering if the younger generation of women is more needy and controlling? I know the younger generation is definitely not equipped to use their words...probably because they were raised by helicopter moms who supervised their play dates and handled every interaction for them.

Maybe that's true. This couple definitely seems like they need a lot of help, because they have an au pair traveling with them and still seem to be struggling.

As far as neediness, out of two of us, my husband is definitely more needy, while I'm more controlling/type A

Type A people aren't afraid to use their words. Type A people take control and ensure they come out on top. You just sound cranky and whiny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

Huh? No, the moms want the husbands to help with their kids. I always help my husband set up the tent.

Huh?

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

I don't need help getting my kids ready for the beach, and DH is equipped to schlep the gear and set things up by himself.

I'm wondering if the younger generation of women is more needy and controlling? I know the younger generation is definitely not equipped to use their words...probably because they were raised by helicopter moms who supervised their play dates and handled every interaction for them.

Maybe that's true. This couple definitely seems like they need a lot of help, because they have an au pair traveling with them and still seem to be struggling.

As far as neediness, out of two of us, my husband is definitely more needy, while I'm more controlling/type A

Type A people aren't afraid to use their words. Type A people take control and ensure they come out on top. You just sound cranky and whiny.

Yes, I'm cranky and whiny from sitting in the sun and having to fight over my chair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

Huh? No, the moms want the husbands to help with their kids. I always help my husband set up the tent.

Huh?

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

I don't need help getting my kids ready for the beach, and DH is equipped to schlep the gear and set things up by himself.

I'm wondering if the younger generation of women is more needy and controlling? I know the younger generation is definitely not equipped to use their words...probably because they were raised by helicopter moms who supervised their play dates and handled every interaction for them.

Maybe that's true. This couple definitely seems like they need a lot of help, because they have an au pair traveling with them and still seem to be struggling.

As far as neediness, out of two of us, my husband is definitely more needy, while I'm more controlling/type A

Type A people aren't afraid to use their words. Type A people take control and ensure they come out on top. You just sound cranky and whiny.

Yes, I'm cranky and whiny from sitting in the sun and having to fight over my chair.

We know. But don't claim to be type A...because you aren't. You're really just upset with yourself for not handling the situation. You sound shy and insecure. Therapy might help. You seem to project your unhappiness on others while the source of your misery is within. Instead of reading DCUM, you might try a self help book instead. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Re: the chair, just say, "Hey scoot, I want my chair back." Done, NBD.

Everything else? It's a group vacation with children. It is by definition going to be chaotic and not super relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

Huh? No, the moms want the husbands to help with their kids. I always help my husband set up the tent.

Huh?

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

I don't need help getting my kids ready for the beach, and DH is equipped to schlep the gear and set things up by himself.

I'm wondering if the younger generation of women is more needy and controlling? I know the younger generation is definitely not equipped to use their words...probably because they were raised by helicopter moms who supervised their play dates and handled every interaction for them.

Maybe that's true. This couple definitely seems like they need a lot of help, because they have an au pair traveling with them and still seem to be struggling.

As far as neediness, out of two of us, my husband is definitely more needy, while I'm more controlling/type A

Type A people aren't afraid to use their words. Type A people take control and ensure they come out on top. You just sound cranky and whiny.

Yes, I'm cranky and whiny from sitting in the sun and having to fight over my chair.

Really? You had to actually fight for your chair in the shade? You said, "Sally, can I have my chair back now? I feel like I'm getting too much sun," and then Sally said no and refused to move?

I doubt that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

This is the part that's so weird to me. You all don't have kids and you have one of these? Why? One of the other families has one of these, but didn't even bother to get a decent beach chair? You all had three of these things set up in a row? No wonder beaches are banning these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

This is the part that's so weird to me. You all don't have kids and you have one of these? Why? One of the other families has one of these, but didn't even bother to get a decent beach chair? You all had three of these things set up in a row? No wonder beaches are banning these things.

Yeah, because everything we bought the umbrellas, they either blew away or didn't provide adequate shade.

Both other couples have the beach tent things that look kinda like camping chairs. One of them is kinda using theirs and they have proper beach chairs. The other couple with two kids didn't use their tent at all because they didn't like it for whatever reason and they have stadium chairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe there are different rules for tent people? I'm referring to the real beach goers who use umbrellas and actually enjoy the sun rather than erecting a shelter and fighting for space under cover.

This is the part that's so weird to me. You all don't have kids and you have one of these? Why? One of the other families has one of these, but didn't even bother to get a decent beach chair? You all had three of these things set up in a row? No wonder beaches are banning these things.

Yeah, because everything we bought the umbrellas, they either blew away or didn't provide adequate shade.

Both other couples have the beach tent things that look kinda like camping chairs. One of them is kinda using theirs and they have proper beach chairs. The other couple with two kids didn't use their tent at all because they didn't like it for whatever reason and they have stadium chairs.

*we brought the umbrellas