How to get DH to stop overcommitting/doing too much for friends - vacation with friends with kids

[Anonymous]

Unless DH is complaining about their friends behind their backs, I think you need to acknowledge that being with friends and doing things for others is something that brings your husband pleasure. So going on a vacation alone with you where he can just relax may not be as fun for him as going on a vacation with friends where he does pitch in a lot. I had this dispute with my now ex-wife. For me, I love being with friends and it makes me feel good to know I'm helping others out. I'd rather have a basic vacation that involves those things than a luxurious vacation that's just about me and my partner and what we want. I think you should have an open conversation with your DH about what each of you are looking for in a vacation, and then negotiate so you are each getting some of what you want. I don't think telling your husband that he's getting taken advantage of will work because it won't make sense to him. The Gottman love languages book can be kind of cheesy, but it might help you two. Gottman identifies "acts of service" as a way that some people show their love and caring, and it sounds like your DH is one of those people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

For sure you've got it easiest of anyone on this trip. It's not like those moms and dads are leaving their kids with you to go to boozy dinners or spa days, it's hard effing work to take a beach "vacation" with kids.

[Anonymous]

How do I stop my husband from being a decent dude willing to be helpful to people? Uh I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hubby

you need to grow up and stop using that word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:McDonald's

gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:McDonald's

gross.

Their yogurt parfait is decent. A plain egg on an English muffin is no different than an egg sandwich at a restaurant or cafe. And a pancake is a pancake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't sound like a terrible person. I have two kids and I would be annoyed. I don't mind sharing but want to be able to enjoy my things and don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I didn't enjoy going on vacation with others before or after kids. Now that I'm older I'm comfortable refusing. Getting together for a few hours with people is enjoyable but overnights are not. It's too much.

This is totally fair. You do mind sharing. You know you mind sharing. You no longer vacation with others. A grown up approach all around.

Here's your solution OP.

Happily shared snacks and sunscreen, etc. But my beach chair constantly being taken because theirs suck. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

So many weird things going on.
People using other people's stuff.
OP not voicing her preferences.
Her husband offering to get breakfast yet not waking up in time.

I'm so glad I'm not in your group!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband wants a baby. He seems to like the hustle and bustle of family time.

Except it's 9am and he's still sleeping, while other couples with kids have been up since 6am and already out at the beach. Guess they will be going hungry if they are waiting on his mcdonald's.

That is their problem, not yours. There is zero reason for you to angst about this. No one was asking you to go get breakfast, and no one made you schlep all their stuff down to the beach. Isn't this the outcome you were looing for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

For sure you've got it easiest of anyone on this trip. It's not like those moms and dads are leaving their kids with you to go to boozy dinners or spa days, it's hard effing work to take a beach "vacation" with kids.

Sure, but it's my choice to keep my life easy and comfortable. And if it's too much work for couples to travel to beach with their kids, then they shouldn't go. We're not their personal assistants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really young? The things you list are such non-issues. Your DH seems to like group dynamics and you don't. Find a way to compromise, but "telling" an adult what to do is overly controlling and inappropriate.

No, but he offered that "we" set up the tent for them. Meaning we drag it to the beach, set up, take down, etc.

On group trips to the beach, it's common knowledge that the men set up the beach gear while the women get the kids ready. The men also are responsible for running out to pick up donuts or whatever provisions are needed. Newsflash: setting up the gear and picking up food is a million times easier than getting the kids ready for the beach (putting sunblock on a toddler is a truly character building experience).

As a childless woman, you had the option to sleep in and let the men do the set up and pick up breakfast. No clue what you're kvetching about.

Huh? No, the moms want the husbands to help with their kids. I always help my husband set up the tent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So many weird things going on.
People using other people's stuff.
OP not voicing her preferences.
Her husband offering to get breakfast yet not waking up in time.

I'm so glad I'm not in your group!

Yeah, they were texting us but husband was sleeping. They finally got breakfast at the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't sound like a terrible person. I have two kids and I would be annoyed. I don't mind sharing but want to be able to enjoy my things and don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I didn't enjoy going on vacation with others before or after kids. Now that I'm older I'm comfortable refusing. Getting together for a few hours with people is enjoyable but overnights are not. It's too much.

This is totally fair. You do mind sharing. You know you mind sharing. You no longer vacation with others. A grown up approach all around.

Here's your solution OP.

Happily shared snacks and sunscreen, etc. But my beach chair constantly being taken because theirs suck. Ugh.

"Hey Suzy, I'd like to sit in my chair now. If you don't like your chair, maybe you should head to the beach shop (or send your husband) to get a new one?"

Use your words.

We were in the Caribbean with friends and nobody bothered to pack sunblock except me. I brought special face sunblock (nothing you can buy at cvs; think high end makeup line), and there was no way I was sharing it. When everyone asked to "borrow" my sunblock, I pulled out one can of spray and said, "WTH guys? Who travels to the Caribbean and doesn't pack sunblock?" They responded in unison, "We knew you would bring plenty of the good stuff." I told them they could have the one can and then suggested they could buy more in the resort gift shop. Nobody got upset because we are all good friends (since high school), and we used our words rather than stewing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband wants a baby. He seems to like the hustle and bustle of family time.

Except it's 9am and he's still sleeping, while other couples with kids have been up since 6am and already out at the beach. Guess they will be going hungry if they are waiting on his mcdonald's.

That is their problem, not yours. There is zero reason for you to angst about this. No one was asking you to go get breakfast, and no one made you schlep all their stuff down to the beach. Isn't this the outcome you were looing for?

Yessssss!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So many weird things going on.
People using other people's stuff.
OP not voicing her preferences.
Her husband offering to get breakfast yet not waking up in time.

I'm so glad I'm not in your group!

Yeah, they were texting us but husband was sleeping. They finally got breakfast at the hotel.

Op and her husband sound irritating. Offering to get breakfast/making plans and not following through is a jerk move.