DH Cannot Handle Two Kids. How do you know when leaving is the right move?

[Anonymous]

OP I agree about the meds. Now is not the time to be taking them sporadically. What is the gain in that?

If he can agree to this, I think you can all do this.
Besides this, I'm surprised no one has mentioned getting more help at home. Get a babysitter for a weekend afternoon. Even if you have to still pump, it's a break. Get enough sleep. Even get a night nurse for a few nights. Get someone to do as much of the housekeeping as you can. Don't do the cooking. Maybe even invest in going to counseling with some of this time if you think it could help, but honestly you are in the trenches, just get through this next 6 months.


Divorce is really expensive. I'd invest in keeping everyone afloat.

This stuff is tough. Our kids are 5 and 2.5 now and it is still hard but immeasurably better than that stage. DH and I were constantly grumpy.

[Anonymous]

He's having an affair with the woman he is "emotionally connected to" at work.

it doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage, but you need to dig more on this, he needs to stop, and you need to get counseling and do a lot of work if you want to overcome this. All the signs are there OP.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my first marriage. That ended 17 years ago. Never looked back, no regrets. My children are happy, they are adults now and have great lives. Don't live a miserable life and then have nothing to look back on except heartache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's having an affair with the woman he is "emotionally connected to" at work.

it doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage, but you need to dig more on this, he needs to stop, and you need to get counseling and do a lot of work if you want to overcome this. All the signs are there OP.

Agree. Even if he's not actually having an affair, he may have feelings for this woman and this may be pulling his attention away from you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, everything you describe about him--your having to walk on eggshells; short tempered and grouchy; sleeping all the time; not being consistent with taking his meds; only finding pleasure in activities (golf) he feels like doing--all point to a depressed spouse who is not really able to see how he is hurting you and neglecting your family. In this depressed state, he is incapable--without finding a better course of treatment that more effectively addresses his depression--of making much progress towards being the husband you need for the long haul. It might get better someday, if he gets proper medical help, but otherwise, the situation will not improve on its own. I'm sorry, but that is the reality of living with a depressed spouse unless he seeks help. Otherwise, you will eventually tire of the constant stress of living with someone who ignores an illness which left untreated will continue to sap whatever life is left from your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately it's usually the wife who has to deal with everything, it's almost like you have to protect the husband from the children's (normal) behavior - on top of everything else you have to do.
I think it will be hard work for quite a while as your kids are so young. Maybe getting a 'mothers helper' for a few hours after work might help, as it can give you both some free time, but that costs $ of course.

[Anonymous]

Op Here. Thanks everyone. We ARE in the trenches and he is obviously depressed. I don't know why he doesn't consistently take his medication. I think he starts feeling good and things seem fine and then he just thinks he can do it on his own or gets lazy about it. It has become a point of contention for me to ask. When he is more irritable than usual, I will ask him if he has taken his meds. This drives him crazy. I think therapy has been both helpful and harmful. He is going though a crisis of self for sure. It is just hard to "hang in" on the day to day when things don't seem to be changing and it seems he doesn't "see" me at all. For a man who has always made a big deal about holidays - no mother's day card, he felt sick on my birthday, our daughter spent a week baking him his birthday cake and when he finally came home and blew out his candles, he didn't even eat a piece. She was more concerned with her own slice of cake, but next year she will notice. Breaks my heart. Hope it all turns around.

[Anonymous]

Did you make marriage vows? If so, what were they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the ledge....tell me I'm not alone and it gets better or I just need sleep, someone. I feel like my marriage is fragile as heck right now and sort of on the rocks. When does it get easier with a 3 year old and a 6 month old? My husband is in an awful mood literally always. He's miserable and it's really starting to wear on me. I'm on eggshells constantly. He's just not a nice person at all anymore. Literally the only time he is happy is if other people/friends are around or when he is about to go nap or headed to play golf. Family activities that used to be fun, even a short visit to the park are burdensome for him. He is impatient and grouchy with our toddler and he just cannot handle any of the normal whining, boundary pushing or...like anything. He snaps constantly. He says the happiest moment of his day is when he can go to sleep. I get it. I do. But like, I am barely holding it together with not a lot of sleep and I'm just like, really??! It would be so much easier being a team. Being kind to one another. I feel like I am doing it all. But on top of the kid stuff and working my own busy career, I have to deal with this grown man child throwing tantrums? Ugh. I know I am hormonal and breastfeeding, so maybe it’s that. But we are so icy and cold to eachother now. The intimacy is gone. When does this start to get easier, or, like how do you survive this? He is stressed beyond belief with work (self inflicted) and on weekends he's about to drive off the side of the road because the toddler is whining in the backseat. Part of me thinks...I know it would be insanely hard on my own, but I just want to be happy and I want the girls to be happy. The three year old has started asking, "Why are you mad at mommy?" when he is in his bad mood stomping around. I hate being anxious all the time around him. Bleh. I know we are in the trenches right? But aren't these supposed to be the sweet years? Someone tell me this gets easier soon... and thanks for letting me vent. Sincerely appreciate it.

welcome to the result of feminism.

life with 2 kids and both parents working. is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you make marriage vows? If so, what were they?

This is not quite fair. The standard vows "love, honor,...[the obey one is not one everyone does" goes both ways. If you have a spouse who has disregarded their vows of love and honor, how do expect the other party to continuously move forward as if the deal was not broken. For as long as you both shall live? Under that premise, one party can treat the other like crap - do whatever - and it doesn't matter.

I am on the edge and taking a long time to think about what I need to do. I have supported my spouse through rough times, including major depression, acting out and mid-life crises. I have been there through the bad and the sick. At some point, I need to get through my day without the anxiety of a fight or expecting some negative comment for whatever crap I will accidentally do to step in it. What I don't need is the judgment and guilt that I somehow didn't hold up my end of the bargain or am damaged goods from folks that haven't lived through a decade of negativity.

[Anonymous]

Did you make marriage vows? If so, what were they?

Presumably he took vows as well, love/honor/respect. which he is not doing.

OP, taking medication for depression sporadically is not only unproductive but can worsen things.

I think he needs to understand that this is crisis level for you at this point. He needs to see a psychiatrist for his meds and be in therapy. and you need to insist: you say you will support him as much as possible in getting through what appears to be depression but you wil not tolerate the constant negativity if he refuses to take action and that you need him to step up as a partner and father.

I might also just ask striaght out: are you unhappy with this marriage? are you emotionally or physically involved with someone else? Becuase your behaviour suggests it.

[Anonymous]

OH, OP, I am in the EXACT same situation. I've thought about posting this, too. I've thought about bringing up marriage therapy, but WHEN? We don't have the time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely antidepressants. The wanting to sleep all the time is the clue.

My husband is the same as OPs, and wanting to sleep all the time is just because having two kids who wake up early is hard. My DH uses the late evenings to decompress and drink a beer or two, so he goes to bed late, and then we have to wake up at 5:30 or 6:00 with the kids. He's just tired because he's not getting enough sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the ledge....tell me I'm not alone and it gets better or I just need sleep, someone. I feel like my marriage is fragile as heck right now and sort of on the rocks. When does it get easier with a 3 year old and a 6 month old? My husband is in an awful mood literally always. He's miserable and it's really starting to wear on me. I'm on eggshells constantly. He's just not a nice person at all anymore. Literally the only time he is happy is if other people/friends are around or when he is about to go nap or headed to play golf. Family activities that used to be fun, even a short visit to the park are burdensome for him. He is impatient and grouchy with our toddler and he just cannot handle any of the normal whining, boundary pushing or...like anything. He snaps constantly. He says the happiest moment of his day is when he can go to sleep. I get it. I do. But like, I am barely holding it together with not a lot of sleep and I'm just like, really??! It would be so much easier being a team. Being kind to one another. I feel like I am doing it all. But on top of the kid stuff and working my own busy career, I have to deal with this grown man child throwing tantrums? Ugh. I know I am hormonal and breastfeeding, so maybe it’s that. But we are so icy and cold to eachother now. The intimacy is gone. When does this start to get easier, or, like how do you survive this? He is stressed beyond belief with work (self inflicted) and on weekends he's about to drive off the side of the road because the toddler is whining in the backseat. Part of me thinks...I know it would be insanely hard on my own, but I just want to be happy and I want the girls to be happy. The three year old has started asking, "Why are you mad at mommy?" when he is in his bad mood stomping around. I hate being anxious all the time around him. Bleh. I know we are in the trenches right? But aren't these supposed to be the sweet years? Someone tell me this gets easier soon... and thanks for letting me vent. Sincerely appreciate it.

welcome to the result of feminism.

life with 2 kids and both parents working. is hard.

Feminism makes her DH be an irresponsible dick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is very clearly in the grips of anxiety and depression. He may also be veering to an inapprppriate relationship that is feeding this sense that the grass in greener.

You're in a tough spot OP. You have to try to get him to get help, but you also need to take care of yourself. I would kindly but firmly tell him that if does not start to take active measures to deal with his feelings--medication regularly, therapy--then he does risk losing all that he doesn't right now appreciate. This is not a threat, it is the natural consequence if he continues, unchecked, to communicate that he abhors being part of his own family.

+1 well said.